Hope
It's never too soon. I said "I love you", and meant it, broke a rule I've believed in my whole life, and didn't regret it.
Bill Bailey was fantastic, and so was the rest of that evening. We'd arranged to meet Nat and Kev at a pub in Westbourne, so Graham and I got there a little earlier to have something to eat. We were pleasantly surprised by what they had to offer; we judge all establishments, whatever wide range of things they serve, by their bacon cheeseburgers, and their chocolate fudge caeks. Most places serve them, and we've had many, so it makes a good benchmark. Here we found a triple burger, with bacon, cheese and a fried egg in, and chips, for a very reasonable price. I was even more pleased when I asked them to make sure they made it plain, with no salad, and they informed us that it never comes with any salad anyway. Their caek wasn't up to the level of The Quay (our favourite for caek), but was still very good. Also considering the large selection of ales they have there, it becomes probably the best pub I've ever been to. It's not in a place that's very convenient to get to, but it is much closer to both our houses than The Quay is, so we might end up down there occasionally.
Whilst we were eating, my phone rang, and I was surprised to see it was Adele. I'd reluctantly cancelled our meeting that weekend because of the Bill Bailey show, and we'd decided that it would be better to wait until the next weekend and meet on a Saturday. She called to suggest, however, that she came down the next day (Sunday) instead. I actually resisted this, based on a talk we'd had a day or two previously; I'd said that if I went up to visit her, I wouldn't want to have to travel back on the train at night, and she'd said that I could stay over 'til the morning, and we'd probably end up cuddled on the sofa watching Red Dwarf. I liked that idea, so was slightly disappointed that if she came on Sunday, she'd have to go back the same day. This resulted in a slightly amusing conversation as I tried to explain why I was reluctant without actually saying it out loud, but in the end I agreed to it anyway.
Nat and Kev joined us soon after, and after a drink and sampling the caek, we left to head for the BIC. Before long we were in our seats, and weren't waiting long for the show to start. I've only seen two complete Bill Bailey shows before (on DVD), but this was far better than both of them. Not only was it longer - I suppose DVDs are usually cut down - but the material was excellent. All of it was new, except that right at the end, much to everybody's delight, he did his 'love song' from Part Troll. They were selling CD recordings of the show afterwards, and I now regret not buying a copy. If the tour ever does get released on DVD (it's called Tinselworm), I recommend it.
So, the next morning I went to meet Adele at the station. I've met enough people now that it seems a completely normal thing to do, and I wasn't feeling at all nervous when it happened. I was for a moment shocked when she came around the corner with an old man, who spoke as if they were together, but it turned out they'd just been travelling on the train together, and she didn't actually know him. She had to bring Willow, her son, with her, so our plans mainly consisted of taking him out for the day. We'd decided to take him to the Oceanarium, mainly because it's open every day of the week and I couldn't think of anything better in Bournemouth that would be suitable for a one-year-old boy. He seemed to enjoy it, so it seems to have been a good choice. Afterwards, we had something to eat in the café next door, and then wandered onto the beach for a little while. Finally, we headed back to my flat.
We had something to eat, and then went to lay on the bed and watch a DVD of Jonathan Creek that I'd rented. However, I only managed to watch about a quarter of the first episode before giving up because my attention was entirely on Adele. I hadn't been entirely sure of the meaning of her visit; certainly I'd been hoping for the possibility of something more, but she came as a friend, and it wasn't supposed to be a 'date' as such. Indeed, most of the day had been for Willow's sake rather than ours, but I'd enjoyed her company, and now we were lying together on my bed happy to be near each other. So we kissed, which felt wrong but yet oh so right at the same time. I broke a promise, something that's meant a lot to me for a long time. I kissed somebody else, and that is wrong... but it felt good.
I found myself laughing about it later, when we got up and went to the kitchen to make a drink. She asked me what I was laughing about, and the only answer I could give was "Because you're someone else". I couldn't have believed that a time like this would ever occur, but suddenly it was, and I didn't know how to feel about it. I began to wonder how much more I would be able to accept, at least right away; we'd been cuddling up together, and kissed, but only a little, nothing more, yet even that was proving a lot for me to handle. Luckily, and for a reason I found out later that earned her a lot of my respect, I had no reason to worry. She 'missed her train' home (even though it hadn't actually gone), and it was obvious she intended to stay, I was very happy to let her, and so we stayed on the bed and watched the DVD and talked. At some point, she decided to get into my bed and hide under the covers. After a while I joined her, and we slept there, fully clothed. That was perfect, and I felt completely comfortable. I took her to the station the next morning.
I had time in the week that followed to reflect on the weekend, and about how I felt. We talked on the phone a lot more, and there were two things in particular that Adele did and said that meant a lot to me. When she got back home, I was in a meeting with Graham at work. She sent a message to say she was back safely, and I wrote a short reply saying thank you, and that I was in a meeting and we'd talk soon. Apparently, the way I said it was very short, and it worried her in some way. A while later however, I got a call from her, and she told me. Such a simple thing to do, and yet something I've rarely known. She could've kept it to herself and come to some kind of conclusion, interpreted it one way or another and maybe it would've made no difference or maybe it would've done some kind of damage, however small. But nope, she called, I explained, and all was well. This makes me very, very happy! The second thing was what I'd mentioned earlier. We talked a bit about my problem dealing with the whole 'somebody new' thing. We talked about sex, and curiously, I asked whether she had been hoping for something more. She said that she had, but had held back because of something I'd said a few nights before, about how I didn't want to share anything with anybody unless I could see that there was a definite chance of a long-term future. I appreciated that a lot.
She came back the following Friday, and by this time I had made a decision. I'd been nothing but happy with Adele, and everything I'd seen so far was promising. I'd thought that I would certainly have trouble trusting again after the way I was deceived, but she had proven to me that she would speak her mind and be honest with me, and I know I can trust her completely. I could see a future. Never certain, of course, but the chance of it was there enough to go for it. No need to hold back anymore.
That weekend I told her I loved her, and it was true. I clung on to the belief that I would only love one person in my life, and it was a beautiful illusion, but it was taken away. There are many people I could come to love, it's just a case of finding them. If you do find one, why let it go? Adele brings me the same happiness I felt before, but we talk as well. I am desperate to make sure that what happened with Shanna can never repeat itself, and so I am trying to get everything out of the way now, at the start. No games, no pretending. Making too much of an effort for each other now is only going to cause trouble later when we realise it was a show; we should be ourselves now, talk about living together, talk about families, talk about the future. It's not too soon. I refuse to enter any relationship without the intention of taking it all the way through life. We may not make it, it is very early, but there's no point in aiming for anything less. I want to make sure that it's possible, right now, and you know... I'm sure that it is.
Actually, there were only two things which I felt stood in the way. One dissolved by itself, and the other one we managed to work around. Willow was the first: I've always wanted children, but having one who isn't mine is... unexpected to say the least. I can't think of him differently though. I've missed the first year of his life, but playing with him now, I think that before long, it wouldn't even matter. He's a bonus, not a problem. The other issue was that Adele is vegetarian, from birth. She's tolerant of others who are not, thank Tux, but there is one rule: she doesn't want any meat in her own home, and therefore if we ever lived together, our home. I have to admit, I found this very hard to accept, which resulted in some humourous comparisons of Adeles to dead chickens, but in the end I made my choice. I will never give up meat, but I don't have to. I can continue to eat what I like at any place we go, I must just agree that home will always be a place for her to feel safe and comfortable, so I cannot store or eat it there. I can live with that. She brought down some substitutes for me to try, and they actually weren't that bad at all. That, and she promised to cook me things which resemble what I'm used to eating, so, it's not that big of a problem.
I introduced her to Graham, which was another vital moment... but I think it went okay and that they are fine together. I also accidentally introduced her to all of his family. That wasn't intentional, we just happened to go to his house and both his parents and Nat and Kev were there with Serena, so everyone met Adele and Willow. I couldn't help wondering what they were thinking about either of us. Being at Graham's house was also the first on a mental list of memories I feel a need to replace. I've done a million things with Shanna and I will never be able to erase those, but some of them are... particularly memorable. I want to overwrite them all, in a way, and the first time at Graham's house was one of them.
Another of them was fulfilled the following week, when Perfect Alibi happened to be playing again. I hadn't seen them for many many months, and definitely wasn't going to miss it. I asked Adele if she was interested, and though she hadn't heard much Floyd, I played her a bit and she liked it so she came along with us. It was a wonderful experience. That same week, I took her to my parent's house (which, surprisingly, is not on the list) for a while. Unfortunately Adele wasn't feeling well that day, so she probably didn't have much of a good time... but the most memorable part of the day was actually Dad playing with Willow. I don't think I've seen him so happy in a long time, to be playing with a little child again. It made me happy to see it.
Adele has probably spent more time staying with me these past couple of weeks than she has at home, and I've enjoyed it very much. I'll see her again tonight and tomorrow, before she goes back to Guernsey for Christmas. I'm happy again, and this is good. She is what I thought I didn't need but apparently do - somebody I can actually talk to - and yet she does still have what I thought I would miss from Shanna: she's not childish in that way, but she is more adventurous than I am, and will keep my fun side alive. Left to my own devices it retreats, and though I will never be one for adventures every day either, it does need someone to keep poking at it, to remind it that it exists, and drag it out to play sometimes. I don't know where we'll go from here, but I'm not going to worry about it; we're happy, and I will give this everything.
It is a shame, though, that I'm still unable to move on completely. I was getting there; enjoying Adele's company here, not thinking about the past... and then Shanna comments on my last post. Oh, sure, it's all caring and everything. I still love you, miss you, please don't forget me and all that... but I repeatedly asked her not to contact me, and in fact, I explicitly included LJ comments as an example. I did not want that reminder. Shanna left me, not the other way round. I fought hard to keep her and she wasn't interested. She went away. Now that I'm finally accepting it and trying to get on with life without her, she comes back and won't leave me alone! I replied saying just that, and then it got better. She replies to say that there was 'a reason' that she posted that comment, and that 'if [I] can't see it, that is [my] problem'! Oh, and it's 'probably too late for [me] to realise what it meant now anyways'. I deleted it. One thing it certainly isn't, is my 'problem'. If the comment didn't mean what it said, then she is still playing silly games and I don't care what it meant. Even if it did, I didn't want it. There's no problem here, there's nothing. Go away.
Just reading the comment and the way it's written... the sentence structure, the lack of any logical point being made whatsoever... make me see how much better I have it now. Hell, even if we break up, I won't have to deal with that again.
Speaking of comments, I apparently have an 'anon. nosey reader' in my audience, and I can't work out who it is. The only clues I can obtain from their writing are that they asked me to 'except' their apologies instead of accept, and they write 'anon' instead of 'anonymous'. Well, mystery person, hello and I hope you like the update.
In closing, work is still very busy. My hours have been all over the place, mainly due to Adele's visits, but I've been trying to keep the numbers up at least, and the last two weeks have been back on target. We're still on schedule for the live run in January (ahead, in fact, because we'll have a stock system that we didn't expect to have in addition to what we'd planned), and we're still sorting out details for Vecsoft LTD. We've hired a graphic designer from the university, who's proved to be talented and professional so far - a very welcome change from our last 'designer'!
I've been spending all of the money that I've been earning, so I'm not saving much at the moment. That does need to change, but it's not urgent I suppose. I'm surviving comfortably, and buying lots of luxuries. I bought Unreal Tournament 3 recently, which has pleasantly surprised me with it's ability to entertain. After the original UT, I wondered what UT2004 (well, 2003, but let's forget that happened) could offer to keep me interested, but it somehow managed it. This time I felt sure it'd be the same old formula again with prettier graphics and I'd get bored of it... but not at all; I can't even quite place what it is, but the gameplay has improved too, not just the visuals. It's just just as fun to play as the original was back in 2000.
I'm going to bed now, because I didn't sleep at all last night. I've messed my hours up this weekend, but if I sleep now they should be more or less sorted for tomorrow, which is important because not only do I have things to do in the morning, but I then have to get to work in time to do eight hours, before meeting Adele at the station at night. I'm looking forward to these couple of days before we both part to spend Christmas with out families. I considered avoiding it this year, because I don't want to face their opinions, voiced or not, about me and Shanna, but I got a card from my grandparents hinting that they would like to see me this year. Adele also asked me to go with her to Guernsey, but she couldn't find anywhere for me to stay, and it is probably best I do see my family this year anyway. We'll see how it goes, I suppose...
Goodnight.
Bill Bailey was fantastic, and so was the rest of that evening. We'd arranged to meet Nat and Kev at a pub in Westbourne, so Graham and I got there a little earlier to have something to eat. We were pleasantly surprised by what they had to offer; we judge all establishments, whatever wide range of things they serve, by their bacon cheeseburgers, and their chocolate fudge caeks. Most places serve them, and we've had many, so it makes a good benchmark. Here we found a triple burger, with bacon, cheese and a fried egg in, and chips, for a very reasonable price. I was even more pleased when I asked them to make sure they made it plain, with no salad, and they informed us that it never comes with any salad anyway. Their caek wasn't up to the level of The Quay (our favourite for caek), but was still very good. Also considering the large selection of ales they have there, it becomes probably the best pub I've ever been to. It's not in a place that's very convenient to get to, but it is much closer to both our houses than The Quay is, so we might end up down there occasionally.
Whilst we were eating, my phone rang, and I was surprised to see it was Adele. I'd reluctantly cancelled our meeting that weekend because of the Bill Bailey show, and we'd decided that it would be better to wait until the next weekend and meet on a Saturday. She called to suggest, however, that she came down the next day (Sunday) instead. I actually resisted this, based on a talk we'd had a day or two previously; I'd said that if I went up to visit her, I wouldn't want to have to travel back on the train at night, and she'd said that I could stay over 'til the morning, and we'd probably end up cuddled on the sofa watching Red Dwarf. I liked that idea, so was slightly disappointed that if she came on Sunday, she'd have to go back the same day. This resulted in a slightly amusing conversation as I tried to explain why I was reluctant without actually saying it out loud, but in the end I agreed to it anyway.
Nat and Kev joined us soon after, and after a drink and sampling the caek, we left to head for the BIC. Before long we were in our seats, and weren't waiting long for the show to start. I've only seen two complete Bill Bailey shows before (on DVD), but this was far better than both of them. Not only was it longer - I suppose DVDs are usually cut down - but the material was excellent. All of it was new, except that right at the end, much to everybody's delight, he did his 'love song' from Part Troll. They were selling CD recordings of the show afterwards, and I now regret not buying a copy. If the tour ever does get released on DVD (it's called Tinselworm), I recommend it.
So, the next morning I went to meet Adele at the station. I've met enough people now that it seems a completely normal thing to do, and I wasn't feeling at all nervous when it happened. I was for a moment shocked when she came around the corner with an old man, who spoke as if they were together, but it turned out they'd just been travelling on the train together, and she didn't actually know him. She had to bring Willow, her son, with her, so our plans mainly consisted of taking him out for the day. We'd decided to take him to the Oceanarium, mainly because it's open every day of the week and I couldn't think of anything better in Bournemouth that would be suitable for a one-year-old boy. He seemed to enjoy it, so it seems to have been a good choice. Afterwards, we had something to eat in the café next door, and then wandered onto the beach for a little while. Finally, we headed back to my flat.
We had something to eat, and then went to lay on the bed and watch a DVD of Jonathan Creek that I'd rented. However, I only managed to watch about a quarter of the first episode before giving up because my attention was entirely on Adele. I hadn't been entirely sure of the meaning of her visit; certainly I'd been hoping for the possibility of something more, but she came as a friend, and it wasn't supposed to be a 'date' as such. Indeed, most of the day had been for Willow's sake rather than ours, but I'd enjoyed her company, and now we were lying together on my bed happy to be near each other. So we kissed, which felt wrong but yet oh so right at the same time. I broke a promise, something that's meant a lot to me for a long time. I kissed somebody else, and that is wrong... but it felt good.
I found myself laughing about it later, when we got up and went to the kitchen to make a drink. She asked me what I was laughing about, and the only answer I could give was "Because you're someone else". I couldn't have believed that a time like this would ever occur, but suddenly it was, and I didn't know how to feel about it. I began to wonder how much more I would be able to accept, at least right away; we'd been cuddling up together, and kissed, but only a little, nothing more, yet even that was proving a lot for me to handle. Luckily, and for a reason I found out later that earned her a lot of my respect, I had no reason to worry. She 'missed her train' home (even though it hadn't actually gone), and it was obvious she intended to stay, I was very happy to let her, and so we stayed on the bed and watched the DVD and talked. At some point, she decided to get into my bed and hide under the covers. After a while I joined her, and we slept there, fully clothed. That was perfect, and I felt completely comfortable. I took her to the station the next morning.
I had time in the week that followed to reflect on the weekend, and about how I felt. We talked on the phone a lot more, and there were two things in particular that Adele did and said that meant a lot to me. When she got back home, I was in a meeting with Graham at work. She sent a message to say she was back safely, and I wrote a short reply saying thank you, and that I was in a meeting and we'd talk soon. Apparently, the way I said it was very short, and it worried her in some way. A while later however, I got a call from her, and she told me. Such a simple thing to do, and yet something I've rarely known. She could've kept it to herself and come to some kind of conclusion, interpreted it one way or another and maybe it would've made no difference or maybe it would've done some kind of damage, however small. But nope, she called, I explained, and all was well. This makes me very, very happy! The second thing was what I'd mentioned earlier. We talked a bit about my problem dealing with the whole 'somebody new' thing. We talked about sex, and curiously, I asked whether she had been hoping for something more. She said that she had, but had held back because of something I'd said a few nights before, about how I didn't want to share anything with anybody unless I could see that there was a definite chance of a long-term future. I appreciated that a lot.
She came back the following Friday, and by this time I had made a decision. I'd been nothing but happy with Adele, and everything I'd seen so far was promising. I'd thought that I would certainly have trouble trusting again after the way I was deceived, but she had proven to me that she would speak her mind and be honest with me, and I know I can trust her completely. I could see a future. Never certain, of course, but the chance of it was there enough to go for it. No need to hold back anymore.
That weekend I told her I loved her, and it was true. I clung on to the belief that I would only love one person in my life, and it was a beautiful illusion, but it was taken away. There are many people I could come to love, it's just a case of finding them. If you do find one, why let it go? Adele brings me the same happiness I felt before, but we talk as well. I am desperate to make sure that what happened with Shanna can never repeat itself, and so I am trying to get everything out of the way now, at the start. No games, no pretending. Making too much of an effort for each other now is only going to cause trouble later when we realise it was a show; we should be ourselves now, talk about living together, talk about families, talk about the future. It's not too soon. I refuse to enter any relationship without the intention of taking it all the way through life. We may not make it, it is very early, but there's no point in aiming for anything less. I want to make sure that it's possible, right now, and you know... I'm sure that it is.
Actually, there were only two things which I felt stood in the way. One dissolved by itself, and the other one we managed to work around. Willow was the first: I've always wanted children, but having one who isn't mine is... unexpected to say the least. I can't think of him differently though. I've missed the first year of his life, but playing with him now, I think that before long, it wouldn't even matter. He's a bonus, not a problem. The other issue was that Adele is vegetarian, from birth. She's tolerant of others who are not, thank Tux, but there is one rule: she doesn't want any meat in her own home, and therefore if we ever lived together, our home. I have to admit, I found this very hard to accept, which resulted in some humourous comparisons of Adeles to dead chickens, but in the end I made my choice. I will never give up meat, but I don't have to. I can continue to eat what I like at any place we go, I must just agree that home will always be a place for her to feel safe and comfortable, so I cannot store or eat it there. I can live with that. She brought down some substitutes for me to try, and they actually weren't that bad at all. That, and she promised to cook me things which resemble what I'm used to eating, so, it's not that big of a problem.
I introduced her to Graham, which was another vital moment... but I think it went okay and that they are fine together. I also accidentally introduced her to all of his family. That wasn't intentional, we just happened to go to his house and both his parents and Nat and Kev were there with Serena, so everyone met Adele and Willow. I couldn't help wondering what they were thinking about either of us. Being at Graham's house was also the first on a mental list of memories I feel a need to replace. I've done a million things with Shanna and I will never be able to erase those, but some of them are... particularly memorable. I want to overwrite them all, in a way, and the first time at Graham's house was one of them.
Another of them was fulfilled the following week, when Perfect Alibi happened to be playing again. I hadn't seen them for many many months, and definitely wasn't going to miss it. I asked Adele if she was interested, and though she hadn't heard much Floyd, I played her a bit and she liked it so she came along with us. It was a wonderful experience. That same week, I took her to my parent's house (which, surprisingly, is not on the list) for a while. Unfortunately Adele wasn't feeling well that day, so she probably didn't have much of a good time... but the most memorable part of the day was actually Dad playing with Willow. I don't think I've seen him so happy in a long time, to be playing with a little child again. It made me happy to see it.
Adele has probably spent more time staying with me these past couple of weeks than she has at home, and I've enjoyed it very much. I'll see her again tonight and tomorrow, before she goes back to Guernsey for Christmas. I'm happy again, and this is good. She is what I thought I didn't need but apparently do - somebody I can actually talk to - and yet she does still have what I thought I would miss from Shanna: she's not childish in that way, but she is more adventurous than I am, and will keep my fun side alive. Left to my own devices it retreats, and though I will never be one for adventures every day either, it does need someone to keep poking at it, to remind it that it exists, and drag it out to play sometimes. I don't know where we'll go from here, but I'm not going to worry about it; we're happy, and I will give this everything.
It is a shame, though, that I'm still unable to move on completely. I was getting there; enjoying Adele's company here, not thinking about the past... and then Shanna comments on my last post. Oh, sure, it's all caring and everything. I still love you, miss you, please don't forget me and all that... but I repeatedly asked her not to contact me, and in fact, I explicitly included LJ comments as an example. I did not want that reminder. Shanna left me, not the other way round. I fought hard to keep her and she wasn't interested. She went away. Now that I'm finally accepting it and trying to get on with life without her, she comes back and won't leave me alone! I replied saying just that, and then it got better. She replies to say that there was 'a reason' that she posted that comment, and that 'if [I] can't see it, that is [my] problem'! Oh, and it's 'probably too late for [me] to realise what it meant now anyways'. I deleted it. One thing it certainly isn't, is my 'problem'. If the comment didn't mean what it said, then she is still playing silly games and I don't care what it meant. Even if it did, I didn't want it. There's no problem here, there's nothing. Go away.
Just reading the comment and the way it's written... the sentence structure, the lack of any logical point being made whatsoever... make me see how much better I have it now. Hell, even if we break up, I won't have to deal with that again.
Speaking of comments, I apparently have an 'anon. nosey reader' in my audience, and I can't work out who it is. The only clues I can obtain from their writing are that they asked me to 'except' their apologies instead of accept, and they write 'anon' instead of 'anonymous'. Well, mystery person, hello and I hope you like the update.
In closing, work is still very busy. My hours have been all over the place, mainly due to Adele's visits, but I've been trying to keep the numbers up at least, and the last two weeks have been back on target. We're still on schedule for the live run in January (ahead, in fact, because we'll have a stock system that we didn't expect to have in addition to what we'd planned), and we're still sorting out details for Vecsoft LTD. We've hired a graphic designer from the university, who's proved to be talented and professional so far - a very welcome change from our last 'designer'!
I've been spending all of the money that I've been earning, so I'm not saving much at the moment. That does need to change, but it's not urgent I suppose. I'm surviving comfortably, and buying lots of luxuries. I bought Unreal Tournament 3 recently, which has pleasantly surprised me with it's ability to entertain. After the original UT, I wondered what UT2004 (well, 2003, but let's forget that happened) could offer to keep me interested, but it somehow managed it. This time I felt sure it'd be the same old formula again with prettier graphics and I'd get bored of it... but not at all; I can't even quite place what it is, but the gameplay has improved too, not just the visuals. It's just just as fun to play as the original was back in 2000.
I'm going to bed now, because I didn't sleep at all last night. I've messed my hours up this weekend, but if I sleep now they should be more or less sorted for tomorrow, which is important because not only do I have things to do in the morning, but I then have to get to work in time to do eight hours, before meeting Adele at the station at night. I'm looking forward to these couple of days before we both part to spend Christmas with out families. I considered avoiding it this year, because I don't want to face their opinions, voiced or not, about me and Shanna, but I got a card from my grandparents hinting that they would like to see me this year. Adele also asked me to go with her to Guernsey, but she couldn't find anywhere for me to stay, and it is probably best I do see my family this year anyway. We'll see how it goes, I suppose...
Goodnight.