dear jrc
i have been sitting here in front on my computer and there's so much i want to write to you, but nothing has been able to come out. Figure maybe if i just start babbling it will come to me.
so last night sucked. Haven't seen you or hung out with you in weeks and the first time we do see one another i barely talk to you and can't take down my wall until i am watching you walk away from me a block away. (when you left last night i left right after you and watched you walk for about a block). For once i feel and/or think that you reacted to my demeanor last night - it wasn't you. I was excited to see you, but when you called katie and told her you weren't coming initially to meet us, i was confused. i thought we had plans? i dont think you understood that i was goin to do whatever you wanted to do - i just wanted to be with you last night. Although you didn't know it (which is my fault), you were on the top of my list. If you would have said hey, let's not meet katie or let's just meet for a half hour and then go to a movie, i would have been like ok. I think that you got the feeling i didn't want to chill or something b/c of me making plans with katie - but that wasn't true at all.
our communication is horrible - and is why we are where we are today. I asked you out to dinner tonight b/c i wanted to tell you all of this - but you didn't answer my text back. Probably wouldn't have come out as good in person anyway.
so here it is - no games, no chase, no bullshit. Maybe you will reciprocate, and if you do, i think i know what you'll say...
jenna, i'm crazy about you, i have been since the day i met you. You are amazing and when we both have our walls down, we fit. We both have had our doubts about one another - and i think those doubts have invaded my head. and yours We both have walls up, we both are scared to get hurt, yet we both care about one another. It's like our relationship has been one big push and pull, we get close, we pull away, we get close, we pull away. The second we think we're goin to get hurt, we pull away. I pulled away after the karl thing b/c that hurt, but i'm not sure what i ever did to make you pull away from me...
with karl, let me tell you my thoughts. You met him when you were out at a bar with me....he bought you drinks, i smiled. You gave him your number, in front of me. You obviously kept talking to him and he came to see you. I dont care if his roommate lives there.... his roommate didn't come chill with you guys (unless he was and just wasn't in the pics). However, i do trust that you dont like him, despite all of this. the fact that you chose to chill with someone you dont even like over me, hurt. My whole weekend sucked, even though i told you it wasn't a big deal and that i didn't care...i did.
so after karl i went back to how i was. talked to girls, etc. but like i told you in a text a week ago - although i knew there are no rules and i could have hooked up with anyone, i didn't. The only time i went out and hooked up with someone else was when you did it to me first. Eddie - Krista, Karl - Erika. jae - you can't expect someone to act one way when you dont act that same way, you have to earn my trust as well. You can't use my actions as a way to judge my feelings for you - and i may be the exception to the "actions speak louder than words" b/c half the time my actions are merely reactions....i have been thinking the worst all summer - i figure there are some other guys, and maybe even girls, that you hooked up with while living in belmar. i can't be mad about it and to be honest i dont want to know about it. The only thing i want you to be honest with me about is if you meet someone you really like...and speaking of that...
i know you still like Karolina and she's single - despite you thinking i never listened to you, i did. Every time we met for dinner and talked about who we liked or who we were seeing, i listened to you. I listened to what you liked about someone, what you didn't like, what they did that you hated, and what they did that you loved (which never seemed to be much). I listened to what you wanted in someone - and the chase always seemed the most fun for you. We both like the chase - but it has to stop sometime and feelings need to be laid out, especially b/w people like you and me.
i didn't even think about Karolina until i saw you wrote on her wall on facebook. I went on her facebook and her website. She seems cool - and someone that you'd really like. She's everything i'm not....artistic, creative, traveled....i'm sure you are intriqued by her and she could teach you things i couldnt even imagine. I know you want someone that can challenge you intellectually. Unfortunately i'm just me...
so this is where i am and what i think. i still like you, i still want to date you, and i miss you. but i feel like you may have interests out there. I want you to explore them and hopefully you'll come back to me...cause i seem to keep coming back to you...