005 // I just want to start a flame in your heart.
God, it's gotten so freaking cold outside, hasn't it?! I can't believe how much snow has already piled up! I'm freeeeeezing in my dorm room and my blankets aren't helping much. I think the dorm head is icing us all on purpose, too -- probably pissed about the noise the other night. Speaking of which -- what was up with that loud party on the third
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Never in a million years would I ever try to hurt you on purpose. If I ever did, if I ever do... it's because I'm a stupid idiot, not because I want to. Please just know that first, okay? This is my fault this time...
Secondly, I don't want to take back anything I said. It wasn't a lie, it isn't a lie, and I didn't just wake up one day and stop loving you. Riku, I'll never stop loving you. You're in my heart forever, my best friend. I love you right now, even though... after this, you'll probably never believe me again.
But... But I can't do this. I can't play second fiddle to someone else. I know you said I was it, that I was all you wanted... But Demyx, he... he's still important to you, Riku. More than I think you even realize. I'm not a complete idiot that I can't see you still love him. And, at first, I thought I could take it. I thought I could ask Demyx to come to the Christmas party with us and it'd be okay... But I can't. Riku, I just can't. It was selfish of me to begin with, asking you to let it go and swallow it down... And I'm not going to ask you to anymore... It's not fair to either of us.
I want you to be with someone who makes you happy. Not someone who makes you happy sometimes or every once and awhile. I can't tell you that Demyx is that person for you... but I can tell it isn't me. If it was, we would never be falling apart at the seams like this. Fate timed everything wrong. I timed everything wrong.
I want to make this not hurt, but I know I can't. I'm sorry, Riku. I'm... sorry. That's all I can say. I don't want you to hate me, but, if you have to, I can't stop you.
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Thank you, Sora. Thank you so much. I... I never thought I could be happy, I really didn't. I guess I know now though. Maybe it's just not for me. Demyx and I are friends, sure we fool around, but it isn't more than that. I don't think I want any of this anymore. It's too much for me to take.
But thank you. I don't think we were ever meant for one another, were we? After everything... but you'll always be my best friend. Always. I could never hate you, no matter how badly it hurts. You'll always be more important to me than any romance or anything. You're just great like that.
I'm just... I'm gonna disappear for a while. I want to get away from everything and everyone here. I can't take what's happened to me and what I've become. I want to be someone again.
Thank you for everything you've done for me. You've been a true friend.
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I understand. Please come back, though, Riku... Even if we're not dating, even this didn't work out, I don't want you gone from my life at all. I want you right down the hall where I know I can hug you whenever you need it. Please don't run away... You're my best friend and I... I want to keep you if you'll keep me...
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Well, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. So I won't lie. I've thought about it. A lot. And not just because of all of this.
I won't be gone for long. I just... need to breathe. Feels like there's no air in here anymore.
You dope, Sora. I'm not walking out of your life. We've been through too much together to throw it in now. Now, doesn't that sound like something you should be saying? Jeez, Sora, you're such a girl... :)
You'll always be part of my life. Part of me. Part of who I am. Never forget that. And don't judge me if I come back with new tattoos. I'm feeling... rebellious. And I'm swimming today, oh fuck :P Come watch me suck ass at qualifiers. You'll get yourself a laugh.
FUCK QUITTING SMOKING! I'M MOVING ON TO 20 A DAY!
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... God, was your swim meet today? Jesus, I have the worst timing in the world... I wasn't going to say anything about any of this until the season was through, but everything just kind of... exploded in my face. I guess that's what I get for not facing things head on. I'm sorry, Riku... If you suck, I'll be there cheering you on anyways because I suck too. We can suck together, right? Everyone on the island did use to think we [you, Kairi, and me] were such lamers...
My pack is always open to you, Riku. <3 Whenever you need too kill a lung, I'm there. I still want to be your smoking buddy, too, so no worming out of that either!!! Oh, and Pluto demands weekly visitation.
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Yeah. Thanks for the sucky timing, Sora. Haha, I'm joking I'll do fine. Apparently there are Olympic coaches there, so... we'll see. They came for Demyx, but he can't swim and I'm taking up his four spots. I'm gonna be so fucking wasted on Friday, so I won't be going anywhere until after the weekend. I've mailed my lecturers and the Dean to let them know. Just gonna... be invisible. It's gonna be great as long as I don't think too much...
HAHA you make this sound like a divorce settlement! I'll take him on weekends and I'll also take your CDs. That's what I get ;P I'm just gonna hide inside my pack when this meet is over. Totally choke myself out, but I don't care right now. Nicotine sounds great right about now.
Love you Sora <3 More than this can of tuna that the puppy found and got into... OK so that was a bad comparison, but I still love you. More than toast. And I love toast.
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Well, I'll be there for you. At the meet and when you get back. Seriously. I'll be the first one pounding on your door when you come home, so YOU BETTER ANSWER, RIKU!!! I'll have Kairi come in first if you don't!!!
And, gasp, but my CDs are my life blood...! I guuuuueess you deserve my life blood. Maybe. JUST DON'T SCRATCH THEM. And I also heard you got a brand new puppy!!! Pluto's going to be so excited to have a walking friend!
I love you too, Riku. More than the jam you put on the toast.
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The meet starts soon, so I need to go get ready for it. Come hug me or something okay? Managed to get something waterproof for my arm so the chlorine won't totally murder me...
You guess? Dude, I'm taking your CDs. And can you watch Roxy while I'm gone? Just in case I decide not to take her with me...
♥ ♥
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And of course I'll come give you a hug!!! My hugs are always free and plentiful, Riku. Has it healed up at all yet? I haven't see it since I wrapped you up... It must still hurt...
Pffft, fine, fine. And, okay!!! I actually think I might be taking in Xigbar's cat too if Axel doesn't take him? Perfect... I'll have a zoo in my dorm room!!! And you won't even be around to hear all the noise! I'm sure Demyx will be thrilled.
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