hi...
well happy late new years to everyone, hope y'all had very happy and merry holidays...it was a pretty good one here...chris and i headed out to appleton to hang with leah and christian...of course we had a blast...and i was as happy as a clam that i got to bring in the new year with my hunneys tongue down my throat..love ya babe!! heh.....
what is it with people?..i mean really, what we have is never enough...no matter how good it is...but then again, i dunno if it's that or if it's because im in a tight spot in life right now...basically i feel as if in a way i have to choose between the love of my life, or my dreams...i could be blowing everything out of proportion, which is usually the case...but i dunno...my heart screams to have a family,,,,an actual real one...i mean the whole deal, marriage, another child, just everything completely stable in my life...but it just can't happen...a little over two months ago chris had walked out on me and because of this you'd think i was the one to be reluctant on our current relationship...which is totally not the case...i wanna move forward..i wanna pick up where we left off and just keep going with life...but,,,,he doesn't...he wants to keep living in the place he's at now..he wants to keep things going as they are now...which is killing me...i love him so much that i just wanna forget that those two months ever happened...but, with him living elsewhere im reminded of this every day...to me, it doesn't feel possible to continue a relationship five steps behind...even tho we're back together, i still feel as if i failed...i have always wanted to give him everything...make him the happiest man possible...and it feels impossible with him WANTING to live somewhere else...i had asked him where he wanted to be in a month, he said he didn't know...i had then asked him where he wanted to be in 6 months, he said that maybe we'd be living together once again...6 months?!??!?!? i'll be dead by then...it's been a little over 3 weeks since we've been back together and im dieing inside already...i need him here, i need to know he's coming home to me once again, i need to feel the warmth of his arms EVERY night, i need to wake up to him every morning, i need him home, i need to know he actually wants to be a part of our family...i absolutely HATE the idea of him calling somewhere else home, i HATE the idea of not knowing without asking when the next time im going to see him is, i HATE the idea of living in this apartment without him...
i talked to him about all this last night...he's very stuck with the idea of staying where he is, even tho it's killing me...he says he hates it as well...then why not just come home?...i don't get him...he seems to make things more complicated than they should be...once in a while, i get this thought in my mind (which i know is horrible of me) that he's only back to bide some time until he finds someone better...why else would he wanna come back five steps behind where we were?..i cry every night i go to bed knowing he's not gonna be next to me that night...ugh...is it that im such a sap or is it that i feel as if we're gonna fall apart this way?...could just be a little of both i suppose
other than this set-back, everything seems good..but then again, the day he left i had thought everything was fine then as well
maybe just maybe i should watch myself...put myself back on guard...him not wanting to come back home is making me feel this way...is this wrong of me?...i mean really, he's the one that wanted us to move in together, and i agreed to this...he's the one that decided to end it instead of working things out, which i did not agree to...he's the one that decided he wanted to come back, and i did agree...he's the one that decided it'd be best if he lived somewhere else, which i feel is what is gonna kill us...i want to be able to make a decision as well...but really, the only choices i have is to either cope with what he wants/needs, or walk away...and i really don't think i could walk away..i couldn't do it before, and i don't think i can do it now...why can't i have a say in what happens in our future?...some of the most important things to me he doesn't want right now, but i feel as if i need with him...but of course, i have no say in it
what is it with people?..i mean really, what we have is never enough...no matter how good it is...but then again, i dunno if it's that or if it's because im in a tight spot in life right now...basically i feel as if in a way i have to choose between the love of my life, or my dreams...i could be blowing everything out of proportion, which is usually the case...but i dunno...my heart screams to have a family,,,,an actual real one...i mean the whole deal, marriage, another child, just everything completely stable in my life...but it just can't happen...a little over two months ago chris had walked out on me and because of this you'd think i was the one to be reluctant on our current relationship...which is totally not the case...i wanna move forward..i wanna pick up where we left off and just keep going with life...but,,,,he doesn't...he wants to keep living in the place he's at now..he wants to keep things going as they are now...which is killing me...i love him so much that i just wanna forget that those two months ever happened...but, with him living elsewhere im reminded of this every day...to me, it doesn't feel possible to continue a relationship five steps behind...even tho we're back together, i still feel as if i failed...i have always wanted to give him everything...make him the happiest man possible...and it feels impossible with him WANTING to live somewhere else...i had asked him where he wanted to be in a month, he said he didn't know...i had then asked him where he wanted to be in 6 months, he said that maybe we'd be living together once again...6 months?!??!?!? i'll be dead by then...it's been a little over 3 weeks since we've been back together and im dieing inside already...i need him here, i need to know he's coming home to me once again, i need to feel the warmth of his arms EVERY night, i need to wake up to him every morning, i need him home, i need to know he actually wants to be a part of our family...i absolutely HATE the idea of him calling somewhere else home, i HATE the idea of not knowing without asking when the next time im going to see him is, i HATE the idea of living in this apartment without him...
i talked to him about all this last night...he's very stuck with the idea of staying where he is, even tho it's killing me...he says he hates it as well...then why not just come home?...i don't get him...he seems to make things more complicated than they should be...once in a while, i get this thought in my mind (which i know is horrible of me) that he's only back to bide some time until he finds someone better...why else would he wanna come back five steps behind where we were?..i cry every night i go to bed knowing he's not gonna be next to me that night...ugh...is it that im such a sap or is it that i feel as if we're gonna fall apart this way?...could just be a little of both i suppose
other than this set-back, everything seems good..but then again, the day he left i had thought everything was fine then as well
maybe just maybe i should watch myself...put myself back on guard...him not wanting to come back home is making me feel this way...is this wrong of me?...i mean really, he's the one that wanted us to move in together, and i agreed to this...he's the one that decided to end it instead of working things out, which i did not agree to...he's the one that decided he wanted to come back, and i did agree...he's the one that decided it'd be best if he lived somewhere else, which i feel is what is gonna kill us...i want to be able to make a decision as well...but really, the only choices i have is to either cope with what he wants/needs, or walk away...and i really don't think i could walk away..i couldn't do it before, and i don't think i can do it now...why can't i have a say in what happens in our future?...some of the most important things to me he doesn't want right now, but i feel as if i need with him...but of course, i have no say in it