*sigh*
things are going so/so i guess...i STILL have not talked to chris...which is killing me...i still miss him and love him and all that boohookey...but last night was kind of a downer...torrey, the guy thats mutual friends with the both of us, had told me some things that for some reason he left out about their wednesday night talk...i don't know what brought it up or out of him but he decided to let me in on a little secret that totally contradicted what he said a few days ago...a few days ago he had said that chris sounded depressed and unhappy with what he has done and where he's at now...but then last night he was telling me that he sounds like he's happy where he's at and it sounded like theres no chance of him even ever talking to me again...umm what?...that really was a 180...i asked him why he had told me that he sounded unhappy at first and he said he didn't know...whatever...right now i hate all boys...no matter what torrey says to me, it's not gonna help...but when he tells me one thing one day and then another thing another day i really wanna smack him...
i know it sounds shaddy...and i really should be happy for chris that he's happier where he is...but imma bitch like that...i feel that if he truly ever loved me, he'd be just as miserable without me as i am without him or at least a little bit...so yes, i was happier hearing that he sounded depressed and the such...at least that way i knew i wasn't the only one going through this hell...but now hearing that he's happier, i wanna kick him...i wanna kick him for taking us out of the security of my parents, for making me fall in love with him, for digging deeper into my heart than anyone ever has, for needing me to trust him so badly, for getting my daughter attached to him, for breaking her heart, for the lies he told us, for making my life so cold and alone, for treating us worse than brandon ever did...
torrey asked me last night what i would do if chris came knocking on my door...i can say until im blue in the face that i'd turn him away...but honestly, i don't know what i would do...he left us in a really tight spot and didn't/does not care what happens to us, the people he supposedly loved...in a few months we could be sleeping in my car, and it doesn't matter to him...jayde possibly could get nothing for christmas, and it doesn't matter to him...there are sooooo many bad things that could happen to us because of the situation he promised he'd be there through, and it doesn't matter to him...but most importantly, my daughter fell in love with him and trusted him, and that doesn't matter to him...these are the times i worry about her future...is she going to grow to hate men because of instances like this? will she be scarred for life because of this?...she still asks about him, asks when he's coming home...she says she misses him and wants to see him...i haven't heard her say one word about brandon since chris entered her life...i do realize kids bounce back from things like this, but these things also stay in the back of a childs mind through adult hood...these are the things that will make or break her thoughts and feelings about people and well, life in general...im currently having a hard time helping her cope with this...especially when i trusted chris 2 weeks ago when he told me he'd be here for us...i should have kept my mouth closed...i do believe this is why she can't let go...she checks the apartment for him all the time...he said he'd always be here for us, but where is he now?
i know it sounds shaddy...and i really should be happy for chris that he's happier where he is...but imma bitch like that...i feel that if he truly ever loved me, he'd be just as miserable without me as i am without him or at least a little bit...so yes, i was happier hearing that he sounded depressed and the such...at least that way i knew i wasn't the only one going through this hell...but now hearing that he's happier, i wanna kick him...i wanna kick him for taking us out of the security of my parents, for making me fall in love with him, for digging deeper into my heart than anyone ever has, for needing me to trust him so badly, for getting my daughter attached to him, for breaking her heart, for the lies he told us, for making my life so cold and alone, for treating us worse than brandon ever did...
torrey asked me last night what i would do if chris came knocking on my door...i can say until im blue in the face that i'd turn him away...but honestly, i don't know what i would do...he left us in a really tight spot and didn't/does not care what happens to us, the people he supposedly loved...in a few months we could be sleeping in my car, and it doesn't matter to him...jayde possibly could get nothing for christmas, and it doesn't matter to him...there are sooooo many bad things that could happen to us because of the situation he promised he'd be there through, and it doesn't matter to him...but most importantly, my daughter fell in love with him and trusted him, and that doesn't matter to him...these are the times i worry about her future...is she going to grow to hate men because of instances like this? will she be scarred for life because of this?...she still asks about him, asks when he's coming home...she says she misses him and wants to see him...i haven't heard her say one word about brandon since chris entered her life...i do realize kids bounce back from things like this, but these things also stay in the back of a childs mind through adult hood...these are the things that will make or break her thoughts and feelings about people and well, life in general...im currently having a hard time helping her cope with this...especially when i trusted chris 2 weeks ago when he told me he'd be here for us...i should have kept my mouth closed...i do believe this is why she can't let go...she checks the apartment for him all the time...he said he'd always be here for us, but where is he now?