ugha...
what is my problem? is it stress? is it a simple flu? only the good lord knows i guess...but my intestinal track seems to be majorly screwed at this point...last night i had to lay down around 8ish cuz my tummy kept doing flips and i had a head ache that brought tears to my eyes...i have not been able to eat anything without it cruising it's way right outa me within the half hour...and again tonight, my tummy is flipping ass over tea kettle...which i really don't understand...all day i felt fine...but other than the night-time tummy problems, shitting problems, and head ache i feel perfectly fine...physically...
mentally im a mess...which i suppose is expected...i have no clue when this will ever get better, if it ever shall...but im learning to cope and deal with it...i have my daily cry, i scream at the world (and other beings not of this world), and then i look into those big brown eyes of jayde and realize i gotta be stronger...i know that some day i will eventually collapse from being the strong one and hiding everything...but i guess i will keep my cover going until that day comes...
i have two credit cards now...and by the end of december they will both be maxed out, i can count on that...this whole mess is NOT going to take christmas away from jayde, even if it puts me behind for the next 10 years...i have always prided myself on providing her the best life possible...and if this would mean that i have to work all the over-time offered to me, i will do it...i may not have much of a life, but at least i know i'll be giving her everything she rightfully needs and deserves...the only thing that troubles me with this is that i know if i work a lot more, she's going to resent me for it..she already had a biological father that deserted her, and just recently she had another guy figure leave her...i really don't want her thinking that everyone is going to desert her at one point in her life, even her mother...she is having problems with chris leaving...and i've been doing all i can just by being there for her..but once i begin to pick up hours, i know she's going to rebel even more so than she is now...
ugh..i hate life
mentally im a mess...which i suppose is expected...i have no clue when this will ever get better, if it ever shall...but im learning to cope and deal with it...i have my daily cry, i scream at the world (and other beings not of this world), and then i look into those big brown eyes of jayde and realize i gotta be stronger...i know that some day i will eventually collapse from being the strong one and hiding everything...but i guess i will keep my cover going until that day comes...
i have two credit cards now...and by the end of december they will both be maxed out, i can count on that...this whole mess is NOT going to take christmas away from jayde, even if it puts me behind for the next 10 years...i have always prided myself on providing her the best life possible...and if this would mean that i have to work all the over-time offered to me, i will do it...i may not have much of a life, but at least i know i'll be giving her everything she rightfully needs and deserves...the only thing that troubles me with this is that i know if i work a lot more, she's going to resent me for it..she already had a biological father that deserted her, and just recently she had another guy figure leave her...i really don't want her thinking that everyone is going to desert her at one point in her life, even her mother...she is having problems with chris leaving...and i've been doing all i can just by being there for her..but once i begin to pick up hours, i know she's going to rebel even more so than she is now...
ugh..i hate life