(no subject)
dear fellow livejournalers.
it seems to me that all i ever do is come on here and complain about my life. some say that it's really not that bad, and it may not be, but happiness is hard to find. i come today, feeling quite depressed. maybe my lack of self-esteem or my small case of depression contributes to these feelings, but either way, i'm not happy.
i'm sure that most of you western alamance high school students are aware of the miss western pageant. of course, my girlfriend, jordan-ashley baker, is one of the twenty odd number of contestants. now, you're probably thinking to yourselves, "what's so bad about that?" well, nothing. except for the fact that, again, she's one of the best out there, if not the best. after singing at practice yesterday, she left people in awe. today at school, her amazing voice and the fact that she'll probably win was all that i heard about. again, i'm sure you're not seeing a problem. but i do.
for almost three years she and i have dated, and in those three years i have never seen her do bad at anything. people always tell me how pretty she is, and how smart she is, and how she's going to go to a great college, and how she's going to do so well in life, and how much talent she has, and on and on and on. so great, i have a great girlfriend. i'm a lucky guy.
but am i too lucky? after doing much thinking, i believe i am. the girl is far too good for me. i don't understand why she would like me so much, to be honest with you. i'm an ass to her all the time and i put her through so much shit. why would she put up with it? she's the perfect person and i'll never compare to her. i'll never be the type of guy that she needs, because that's not who i am. she's the kind of girl who will win at everything she does, and be better than everyone who tries to compete with her, and she needs a guy just as good as her to be happy. i'm not that guy. i'm a lower-middle-class-white guy with no chance at success in life. if we were ever to stay together, she would be so unhappy with me because of my failures. all of my life i've failed at everything i've done, and i'll never change.
i want nothing more than to be the person that she needs, but i don't ever see that happening.
it seems to me that all i ever do is come on here and complain about my life. some say that it's really not that bad, and it may not be, but happiness is hard to find. i come today, feeling quite depressed. maybe my lack of self-esteem or my small case of depression contributes to these feelings, but either way, i'm not happy.
i'm sure that most of you western alamance high school students are aware of the miss western pageant. of course, my girlfriend, jordan-ashley baker, is one of the twenty odd number of contestants. now, you're probably thinking to yourselves, "what's so bad about that?" well, nothing. except for the fact that, again, she's one of the best out there, if not the best. after singing at practice yesterday, she left people in awe. today at school, her amazing voice and the fact that she'll probably win was all that i heard about. again, i'm sure you're not seeing a problem. but i do.
for almost three years she and i have dated, and in those three years i have never seen her do bad at anything. people always tell me how pretty she is, and how smart she is, and how she's going to go to a great college, and how she's going to do so well in life, and how much talent she has, and on and on and on. so great, i have a great girlfriend. i'm a lucky guy.
but am i too lucky? after doing much thinking, i believe i am. the girl is far too good for me. i don't understand why she would like me so much, to be honest with you. i'm an ass to her all the time and i put her through so much shit. why would she put up with it? she's the perfect person and i'll never compare to her. i'll never be the type of guy that she needs, because that's not who i am. she's the kind of girl who will win at everything she does, and be better than everyone who tries to compete with her, and she needs a guy just as good as her to be happy. i'm not that guy. i'm a lower-middle-class-white guy with no chance at success in life. if we were ever to stay together, she would be so unhappy with me because of my failures. all of my life i've failed at everything i've done, and i'll never change.
i want nothing more than to be the person that she needs, but i don't ever see that happening.