Keep Back What the Clouds Are Hiding [1/1]
Title: Keep Back What the Clouds Are Hiding [1/1]
Author: Melly
Rating: PG-15
Characters/Pairings: Joshua/Neku
Spoilers: None, it’s an AU
Warnings: Language, talk of sexual situations, but nothing very explicit
Summary: High School AU. “No strings attached” isn’t easy when you keep tying them on yourself.
A/N: Whew, another part done! I keep finishing bits of these, and then life gets in the way, and I can’t seem to get it done in one go. Oh well. Chronologically, this is fourth in the series. Enjoy!
The student council office was empty, silent enough that the buzzing of the florescent lights sounded as loud as conversation, snippets of words that faded into nothingness when Neku listened more closely. He didn’t know what he was still doing leaning back on a desk in the vacant room, at least half an hour after Joshua had left for home. Absently reaching under his collar, he rubbed at the curve where his neck met his shoulder. A mark was likely there, and would undoubtedly worsen into dark purple and red later, but Neku wasn’t sure if he was trying to wipe away the lingering sensation of Joshua’s teeth against his skin, or press it firmly into his memory.
He’d been fixated from the start, from the very second Joshua glanced over in literature with a smile edged in suggestion, casual and coaxing all at once. Want to have some fun today? And every time since, he hadn’t refused a single invitation, hadn’t missed a chance to meet in some secluded spot for kissing and touches that escalated dizzyingly quick into disheveled clothes or somebody on their knees. It wasn’t often they had enough time or privacy for more, but very rarely Joshua used his influence to get the keys to some hidden corner of the school, and a locked door went a long way. It was on one such occasion that they fucked, really fucked for the first time, and he became absolutely lost in the heat and friction and the sounds Joshua had made. Like the one exhaled just before he came, a breathy moan so perfect Neku wished for a recording of it, just so it could filter through his headphones on loop all day.
But, even with the sex always leaving him hazy and sated, there was an emptiness that lingered in the center of his chest that made him stare at his ceiling some nights, and at the back of Joshua’s head in class. It reminded Neku of the chill left over when Joshua moved away after touching him casually, leaning over to peer at something in his sketchbook or their shoulders bumping when they walked together. He wondered if their hands fit as well as their bodies did.
Such plaguing thoughts finally propelled him out of the classroom and off campus, but weren’t enough for his feet to take him home. He wandered the city streets instead, headphones on and music cranked up loud enough to drown out the white noise of the crowds and the cars. By the time the playlist he had been listening to ended, he’d already looped back around to the mouth of Cat Street. Maybe, he thought, he should stop in for a cup of coffee. Not like he felt like being anywhere else at the moment.
The bell gave off a familiar, musical ring as he stepped inside WildKat, Hanekoma glancing over from where he was drying off espresso mugs when he heard it.
“J isn’t here, if you’re lookin’ for him,” he said, automatically. “Not with his concert tomorrow and all.”
“I know.” It applied to both statements, and Neku shuffled over to the bar, setting his bag down before perching on one of the stools. “I was just…in the neighborhood, I guess.”
“Right. The usual, then?”
“Yeah, sure.” Neku nodded, leaning his forearms on the counter, slouching slightly as he watched Hanekoma make his drink. The relative quiet of the café wasn’t uncomfortable, but it certainly felt weighty, something hanging in the air that left Neku both anticipatory and contemplative. Likely because Hanekoma had a knack for knowing the answers to questions Neku hadn’t been aware he even wanted to ask. He could certainly use a tip or two for untangling the mess his thoughts had become lately, he just wasn’t sure he’d like hearing about it.
“How’s your art been lately?” The casual inquiry was paired with a fresh mug of coffee, and Neku took his time in blowing a concentrated stream of air over the surface to stall for a response that wouldn’t be incriminating or suspicious. His drawings, while still comprised of abstract, stylized cityscapes and creatures, had taken on an additional focus recently. Small, soft sketches of Joshua had been appearing in the corners of his notes for school, which moved onto portions of his sketchbook, which moved onto entire pages dedicated to portraits of Joshua smiling or studying or fixing his hair. The pictures were disquieting, a compulsion, and Neku desperately wanted to keep them hidden. It wasn’t something fuck buddies did. He was sure of that much.
“It’s been going okay,” Neku said, finally, offering a slight shrug. “I haven’t really had time for much. School and stuff.”
“Sure, sure. I understand.” Hanekoma’s tone was deceptively unconcerned, and underlying thread of skepticism that had Neku worried, but the subject of conversation was changed before he could dwell on it much further. “You lookin’ forward to hearing Josh play?”
“Oh, yeah. It’ll be really cool.” He took a short sip of his drink, staring at one of the imperfections on the bar’s surface. “My friends are coming too. Shiki and Eri said they had to go get flowers, for whatever reason.”
“It’s tradition. Means good job and good luck next time,” Hanekoma explained. “You’re not getting him anything?”
“I wouldn’t know where to start.” Neku hunched his shoulders, tone turning a shade more sullen as he started picking at the skin around his fingernails. With flowers or anything else concerning Joshua, he was quickly realizing.
“You ever consider askin’ him?”
“You say that like I’d get a straight answer.” He snorted, disturbing the last, thin wisps of steam rising from his coffee.
“Y’got a point.” Chuckling, Hanekoma gave a wide, conceding sweep of his hand. “Doesn’t hurt to try, though.”
“Maybe.” Neku took another long sip of his drink, falling quiet. Stepping over a boundary, admitting affection beyond what was wanted could easily cause Joshua to pull away entirely. Neku’s chest tightened painfully at the very idea of the other keeping him at the same careful distance he maintained with everyone else. What was the point in risking anything, when it was going so well, when Joshua seemed perfectly content with the status quo? Neku could afford wait a little longer, if only to appease the scared, selfish part of him that wanted more close, heated moments, if that was all he thought he was going to get.
“Well, you got a better chance at wrangling info outta him than most.”
“What?” He blinked, finally glancing up from where he’d been staring fixedly into the depths of his coffee. “Seriously?”
“You’re great friends, aren’t ya?” Hanekoma tipped his head down, allowing his sunglasses to slide down the bridge of his nose enough that he could peer pointedly at Neku over the rims. “Practically attached at the hip, now.”
“What does that have to do with anything?” He hadn’t meant for any of the sullenness infecting his thoughts to creep over his tone, but the edge of it caught Hanekoma’s attention, enough that he paused in the midst of stashing the last of the espresso mugs into the cabinets.
“A lot, I would’ve thought.” Not for the first time since he came into WildKat that day, Neku scrambled to think up a diverting, nonchalant answer to a probing question he knew had to be coming. But much to his surprise, again, Hanekoma went on a different track. “Josh’s hard to deal with, I get it, but a little prying now and again is good for him. He might not act like he likes it, but he’ll get it means you care.”
“I guess.” Neku tipped his mug back and forth, watching the last dark dregs of his coffee float around at the bottom. How far was too far?
“Y’might think you’re pushing your luck-” The way the phrase was drawled, drawn out and weighted, erased the last doubts that Hanekoma knew, knew every underlying piece to the conversation Neku thought he had been getting away with. “-but give it a shot.”
“It’s…” He stopped himself, exhaling a slow breath through his teeth. “It’s not that easy.”
“If ya say so.” Hanekoma scrutinized him for just a beat longer before he rubbed the back of his neck, attention shifting elsewhere, and that was the end of it. Neku noted then that it had gotten a little late, and he had homework he’d been putting off to finally do, and Joshua to talk to if he was online later.
“I gotta go.” He fished out his wallet from his pocket before slipping off the barstool, setting enough yen on the counter to cover his coffee. “Thanks for the chat.”
“Sure, anytime. And, ah, before I forget, something I wanna tell you.” Neku had already hoisted his bag over his shoulder and was halfway towards the door, but he turned around on his heel at that, waiting for the other to continue. “Oriental lilies. In orange.”
It took Neku at least half a minute to grasp what Hanekoma was getting at, but when he finally did, he grinned in tacit gratitude, throwing a wave over his shoulder as he stepped back out onto the streets. Seemed he had one more errand to run before finally heading home.
*****
Backstage was always a mess. Nervous muttering and pacing and breathing exercises mixed in with teachers spouting last-minute advice and the technicians running every which way. Joshua could never find a quiet spot in any of it, and that, far more than public performance, made him antsy. Although, he couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something else adding to his restlessness. While he deeply cared for music, concerts were never that interesting to him, and at all the previous ones, he generally felt nothing but apathy. Perhaps it was finally being able to play his own song that lent a splash of novelty and anticipation.
Or, it could be Neku. He was out there in the audience somewhere, Joshua knew, but what difference did that really make? He’d never wilted under focused attention, so it wasn’t anxiety brought on simply by the other’s presence. It was puzzling, and not conducive thinking just before he had to go onstage, but luckily his teacher approached him before he could get any more preoccupied.
“All set? Hands warm?” When Joshua answered in the affirmative, his teacher nodded, looking over at the entrance to the stage. “You’re on in five minutes…or whenever Aiko finishes. She’s playing a little fast.”
“Nerves, likely.”
“Probably. Not like that’s a worry of yours. Cool and composed as ever.” His teacher patted his shoulder approvingly, and Joshua smiled just enough to be deemed polite. “Just make sure you don’t decide to change anything for your own song on the fly, all right? It’s fine as is.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.” Not like the audience would know if he decided to tweak it in the middle of his performance, but the fuss it would cause from others wasn’t worth disobeying.
“Good, good.” Appeased, his teacher pointed at one of the assistants standing in the wings, looking steadily more uneasy about Joshua not yet standing at the ready for any cue. “And looks like it’s about time. Best of luck out there.”
Pushing himself away from the prop he had been leaning against, Joshua gave a light wave in acknowledgment before heading over to the position for his entrance, just as the previous performer made a final acknowledgement to the crowd. He tuned out whatever the MC was saying for his introduction and waited until she swept her arm in a short arc and glanced towards his end of the stage, before stepping out into the bright glare of the lights and applause. After having done so many performances before, the pivot towards the audience for a bow once he got to his piano could be done without thought, and he took the brief window of time to scan the seats, spotting who he was looking for almost immediately, in the front section, stage right. He didn’t think Neku, or anyone else for that matter, noticed the corners of his mouth quirking up, but a heartbeat later he straightened and turned to settle down on the bench, lips pressed together to keep the secret.
The keys were cool despite the relentless heat of the stage lights, familiar, reassuring smoothness under his fingertips. He settled his hands in the right positions, letting the silence that lingered after the applause hang in the air for a moment or two longer before he began to play.
For Joshua, concerts were typically events to endure, and he relied solely on talent to get through them with the bare amount of focus necessary for success. With Neku in the audience, though, something had shifted, and Joshua found himself attuned to his movements and the music itself, keeping his ear trained on the tempo and dynamics. It was no different than those lulls in the afternoon when they didn’t feel like going anywhere and Neku would turn to him and say, Hey. Play something for me, all feigned casualness broken by how his gaze sharpened with interest. Joshua obliged, most of the time, always satisfied when he managed to get just the slightest flicker of admiration across the other’s face. He didn’t know when that had become a reward, something he tried to obtain every time Neku was around to listen, but it was already too entrenched, practically a reflex, for the origin to matter.
In the midst of his original composition, he had a momentary, fleeting urge to turn his head and steal a glance into the crowd, just to see what Neku’s reaction was to it, to something that was not just a song, but a song that represented Joshua, his thoughts and sentiments in imprinted in every line. Although, that would have to wait until afterwards, when he had more time to pick out the subtleties he had grown so used to spotting in Neku’s expression. The stray whim was ignored, and Joshua continued to the end fluidly, the rhythmic press and lift of his fingers on the keys practically effortless.
At the finish, his fingers may have lingered in their final positions a fraction too long, trying to draw out the last ringing chord, but it was soon drowned out in applause, so Joshua didn’t think his teacher would find fault. He stood, moving to the front of the piano, taking one short bow followed by another when the volume of the audience increased as he attempted to make an exit. Eventually, he managed to slip backstage, into further praise by fellow musicians and one of the assistants, who offered a water bottle to help cool him off after being under the lights. There was one more performance following his to sit through, and Joshua was a little appreciative of the break. Post-concert tended to be exhaustingly hectic, and he wondered if he’d even get a spare moment to speak to Neku properly.
It didn’t seem very likely when everything finally wrapped up and he was ushered out into the lobby with the rest of the crowd. Finding anyone in the mess was difficult enough without people stopping him for congratulations or to hand over a bouquet. After a short while, he decided it might be a better venture to go search for a place to drop off all the flowers, but the sound of someone calling his name distracted him from that task. The voice wasn’t Neku’s, as it was too light and feminine, but it did belong to one of his friends, Eri, followed by Shiki and Beat.
“Joshua, hi!” She waved once she was in comfortable speaking distance. “You were really great up there. Seriously, wow, I see what all the talk is about.”
“These are for you.” Shiki managed to squeeze in next to her companion, posture faintly diffident as she handed Joshua a bunch of orchids. “You play really well.”
“It was nice of you to come. Thank you.” He smiled, enough that it seemed to ease her shyness, before going on to ask, “is Neku with you?”
“He was. Where in the world did he go?” Surprised, Eri turned around to address Beat, who seemed far more concerned with whatever he had grabbed from the refreshment table, and only offered a wide shrug. “He was right behind us!”
“Maybe he got lost in the crowd,” Shiki mused, trying to look over the heads of the people around them. “Funny, he had a gift for you too, Joshua.”
“Well, whatever.” Rolling her eyes, Eri checked something on her phone quickly, before facing Joshua again. “You’re probably swamped right now, but whenever you see him, can you send him our way?”
“Not a problem.”
“Awesome. Thanks a bunch.” Assured by that, Eri began making her way through the crowd again. “We’ll see you later!”
Shiki and Beat weren’t far behind with their goodbyes, and once they were out of sight, Joshua headed in another direction, pondering the locations Neku could be if it was not with his other friends. Eventually, he reached one of the outer edges of the lobby, spotting his mother and Hanekoma standing a short distance away. He had barely taken a step towards them when his godfather tipped his head meaningfully towards the corridor that led out to the back of the performance hall.
Easily taking the hint, he over to it, pausing only to surreptitiously place the flowers he was carrying down by Hanekoma’s feet. Joshua’s mother, deep in conversation with another parent, thankfully didn’t notice him at all, and he strode down the hall and out the door into the cool nighttime air without further interruption. Sure enough, Neku was there, leaning back against the wall a few feet away, heel tapping out a rhythm against the brick behind him.
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were avoiding me.”
“Wha-Josh?” He jumped, startled, nearly tipping himself forward onto the concrete. “No, just kinda suffocating inside. How did you know I was out here?”
“Sanae pointed me in the right direction.” Joshua made a dismissive gesture, moving to join Neku and rest his shoulder against the wall. The other’s tie was already pulled undone, but he had kept his hair down and unspiked, the strands soft without gel. “You look nice.”
“Shiki and Eri said I should dress up.” In the dim light from the single streetlamp above them, Joshua wasn’t sure Neku was blushing, but he had a good hunch. “I’m not used to it.”
“I can tell.” He gestured to his own neck, to draw attention to the state of the other’s tie. “I ran into your friends, earlier. They said you had a gift for me.”
“Oh. Yeah, I do.” Neku bit his lip, looking like he was going to tack on something else, but instead, only held out a bouquet of oriental lilies, in orange and white and wrapped with silver tissue paper. “Here. You were…really, really good up there.”
“Thank you.” Joshua took the flowers, smile brief but wide and genuine, before running his index finger along one of the petals thoughtfully. That praise, coming from Neku, could be categorized as glowing. “These are my favorites. How did you know?”
“I asked around.”
“Ah.” There was obviously more of a story to be had, but details could be uncovered later. There were more important things Joshua wanted to know. “So what did you think? About my composition, I mean.”
“That was the last one you played, right?” Neku frowned, craning his head up to stare at the few stars that could be seen through the hazy, bright film of the city. “I don’t know about any of the technical stuff, but I liked it.”
“You did?”
“Yeah.” He turned his attention back to Joshua, brows furrowed slightly. “Was there some meaning behind it or something?”
“Not really.” Not until he had gotten onstage and wanted Neku to listen, wanted it to make an impact, a mark, something as lasting and possessive as a love bite. A song that would stick, get lodged in the other’s mind as he went about his day, until he was humming it to himself and thinking of Joshua along with the notes. “Beyond wanting to be heard, that is.”
Neku nodded, slowly, like he was still digesting the words, before turning his body so he was facing Joshua, cautiously extending one hand. He touched his palm to a spot just below Joshua’s ribs, sliding it up over his chest, thumb running over the golden silk of the tie. Gripping part of the suit jacket, Neku tugged Joshua forward until they were nearly pressed flush together, and Joshua found his lips parting unconsciously in anticipation.
“Hey, uh. I know we don’t have a lot of time, but…” His words dropped off into nothingness as he pressed a kiss to Joshua’s mouth, slow and deep and full of promises they couldn’t keep right then with other people waiting for them. But Joshua curled his free hand against the back of the other’s neck to keep him close, fingers curling into the strands of hair there, texture surprisingly smooth without all the product in it. And he almost suggested they forget all obligations, head out into the city together, because doing ridiculous, silly things with Neku was a high comparative to how he felt before about finally enjoying himself on stage.
“Your friends are looking for you,” was what he said instead when they did finally break for air, distance between them so slight he could see the reflection of the single faint lamp in Neku’s eyes.
“I-yeah.” He swallowed, hand dropping from Joshua’s jacket lapel. “Yeah, you’ve probably got somewhere to go too, right?”
“Coffee and dessert with mother and Sanae, yes.” Joshua took a small step back, reaching up to smooth down his clothing. “We can always continue this at school.”
“Sure.” Neku looked anything but for a moment, but he managed a smile after another second. “Play me that song you wrote again, too.”
“A please would be nice.” Joshua sighed, mockingly longsuffering. “Especially for a musician of my caliber. But all right.”
“Show off,” Neku tossed back at him, nudging Joshua’s shoulder with his own, and started shuffling towards the lobby access. “Talk to you later, Josh.”
Joshua only managed to get out a short affirmative before the other slipped back inside, the door shutting behind him with a decisive thud.
The arrangement was meant to be an outlet with no risk, and Joshua felt downright stupid about the impulses cropping up that deviated from it. They were just friends, it was just fucking, but if he was even an ounce honest with himself, he knew Neku had never been just anything. Which was an issue on top of an increasingly growing pile of problems about something that was supposed to be uncomplicated. But it didn’t have to be dealt with that night, and besides, the shell of normalcy was preferable to whatever tangled mess he’d made for himself.
The sound of a car horn in the nearby parking lot jolted Joshua out of his thoughts, and he realized he’d lingered outside for a little too long. He quickly returned to the lobby, noticing a good chunk of the crowd had dissipated. As expected, his mother scolded him for running off when they finally met up, but a short apology was sufficient to drop the subject.
“You’re not forgetting anything backstage?” She reached up to brush his hair away in order to kiss his forehead, pulling back when Joshua shook his head.
“I grabbed my phone and things after I was done playing.”
“All right.” His mother’s hand fell to his shoulder, gently steering him towards the exit. “Darling, don’t you want Sanae to take the flowers you’re holding? He’s got all your other ones.”
“No, it’s fine.” He dropped his gaze to the lilies, pointedly ignoring the knowing look he was sure Hanekoma was shooting him. “I’d rather hold onto these.”
A/N: It's not really mentioned explicitly, but if you want some mood-music, the songs Joshua plays before his own are Chopin’s Nocturne No. 9 Op. 1 in B flat minor and Schubert’s Piano Sonata in C minor, Third Movement. The title comes from “The Carpal Tunnel of Love” by Fall Out Boy.
Author: Melly
Rating: PG-15
Characters/Pairings: Joshua/Neku
Spoilers: None, it’s an AU
Warnings: Language, talk of sexual situations, but nothing very explicit
Summary: High School AU. “No strings attached” isn’t easy when you keep tying them on yourself.
A/N: Whew, another part done! I keep finishing bits of these, and then life gets in the way, and I can’t seem to get it done in one go. Oh well. Chronologically, this is fourth in the series. Enjoy!
The student council office was empty, silent enough that the buzzing of the florescent lights sounded as loud as conversation, snippets of words that faded into nothingness when Neku listened more closely. He didn’t know what he was still doing leaning back on a desk in the vacant room, at least half an hour after Joshua had left for home. Absently reaching under his collar, he rubbed at the curve where his neck met his shoulder. A mark was likely there, and would undoubtedly worsen into dark purple and red later, but Neku wasn’t sure if he was trying to wipe away the lingering sensation of Joshua’s teeth against his skin, or press it firmly into his memory.
He’d been fixated from the start, from the very second Joshua glanced over in literature with a smile edged in suggestion, casual and coaxing all at once. Want to have some fun today? And every time since, he hadn’t refused a single invitation, hadn’t missed a chance to meet in some secluded spot for kissing and touches that escalated dizzyingly quick into disheveled clothes or somebody on their knees. It wasn’t often they had enough time or privacy for more, but very rarely Joshua used his influence to get the keys to some hidden corner of the school, and a locked door went a long way. It was on one such occasion that they fucked, really fucked for the first time, and he became absolutely lost in the heat and friction and the sounds Joshua had made. Like the one exhaled just before he came, a breathy moan so perfect Neku wished for a recording of it, just so it could filter through his headphones on loop all day.
But, even with the sex always leaving him hazy and sated, there was an emptiness that lingered in the center of his chest that made him stare at his ceiling some nights, and at the back of Joshua’s head in class. It reminded Neku of the chill left over when Joshua moved away after touching him casually, leaning over to peer at something in his sketchbook or their shoulders bumping when they walked together. He wondered if their hands fit as well as their bodies did.
Such plaguing thoughts finally propelled him out of the classroom and off campus, but weren’t enough for his feet to take him home. He wandered the city streets instead, headphones on and music cranked up loud enough to drown out the white noise of the crowds and the cars. By the time the playlist he had been listening to ended, he’d already looped back around to the mouth of Cat Street. Maybe, he thought, he should stop in for a cup of coffee. Not like he felt like being anywhere else at the moment.
The bell gave off a familiar, musical ring as he stepped inside WildKat, Hanekoma glancing over from where he was drying off espresso mugs when he heard it.
“J isn’t here, if you’re lookin’ for him,” he said, automatically. “Not with his concert tomorrow and all.”
“I know.” It applied to both statements, and Neku shuffled over to the bar, setting his bag down before perching on one of the stools. “I was just…in the neighborhood, I guess.”
“Right. The usual, then?”
“Yeah, sure.” Neku nodded, leaning his forearms on the counter, slouching slightly as he watched Hanekoma make his drink. The relative quiet of the café wasn’t uncomfortable, but it certainly felt weighty, something hanging in the air that left Neku both anticipatory and contemplative. Likely because Hanekoma had a knack for knowing the answers to questions Neku hadn’t been aware he even wanted to ask. He could certainly use a tip or two for untangling the mess his thoughts had become lately, he just wasn’t sure he’d like hearing about it.
“How’s your art been lately?” The casual inquiry was paired with a fresh mug of coffee, and Neku took his time in blowing a concentrated stream of air over the surface to stall for a response that wouldn’t be incriminating or suspicious. His drawings, while still comprised of abstract, stylized cityscapes and creatures, had taken on an additional focus recently. Small, soft sketches of Joshua had been appearing in the corners of his notes for school, which moved onto portions of his sketchbook, which moved onto entire pages dedicated to portraits of Joshua smiling or studying or fixing his hair. The pictures were disquieting, a compulsion, and Neku desperately wanted to keep them hidden. It wasn’t something fuck buddies did. He was sure of that much.
“It’s been going okay,” Neku said, finally, offering a slight shrug. “I haven’t really had time for much. School and stuff.”
“Sure, sure. I understand.” Hanekoma’s tone was deceptively unconcerned, and underlying thread of skepticism that had Neku worried, but the subject of conversation was changed before he could dwell on it much further. “You lookin’ forward to hearing Josh play?”
“Oh, yeah. It’ll be really cool.” He took a short sip of his drink, staring at one of the imperfections on the bar’s surface. “My friends are coming too. Shiki and Eri said they had to go get flowers, for whatever reason.”
“It’s tradition. Means good job and good luck next time,” Hanekoma explained. “You’re not getting him anything?”
“I wouldn’t know where to start.” Neku hunched his shoulders, tone turning a shade more sullen as he started picking at the skin around his fingernails. With flowers or anything else concerning Joshua, he was quickly realizing.
“You ever consider askin’ him?”
“You say that like I’d get a straight answer.” He snorted, disturbing the last, thin wisps of steam rising from his coffee.
“Y’got a point.” Chuckling, Hanekoma gave a wide, conceding sweep of his hand. “Doesn’t hurt to try, though.”
“Maybe.” Neku took another long sip of his drink, falling quiet. Stepping over a boundary, admitting affection beyond what was wanted could easily cause Joshua to pull away entirely. Neku’s chest tightened painfully at the very idea of the other keeping him at the same careful distance he maintained with everyone else. What was the point in risking anything, when it was going so well, when Joshua seemed perfectly content with the status quo? Neku could afford wait a little longer, if only to appease the scared, selfish part of him that wanted more close, heated moments, if that was all he thought he was going to get.
“Well, you got a better chance at wrangling info outta him than most.”
“What?” He blinked, finally glancing up from where he’d been staring fixedly into the depths of his coffee. “Seriously?”
“You’re great friends, aren’t ya?” Hanekoma tipped his head down, allowing his sunglasses to slide down the bridge of his nose enough that he could peer pointedly at Neku over the rims. “Practically attached at the hip, now.”
“What does that have to do with anything?” He hadn’t meant for any of the sullenness infecting his thoughts to creep over his tone, but the edge of it caught Hanekoma’s attention, enough that he paused in the midst of stashing the last of the espresso mugs into the cabinets.
“A lot, I would’ve thought.” Not for the first time since he came into WildKat that day, Neku scrambled to think up a diverting, nonchalant answer to a probing question he knew had to be coming. But much to his surprise, again, Hanekoma went on a different track. “Josh’s hard to deal with, I get it, but a little prying now and again is good for him. He might not act like he likes it, but he’ll get it means you care.”
“I guess.” Neku tipped his mug back and forth, watching the last dark dregs of his coffee float around at the bottom. How far was too far?
“Y’might think you’re pushing your luck-” The way the phrase was drawled, drawn out and weighted, erased the last doubts that Hanekoma knew, knew every underlying piece to the conversation Neku thought he had been getting away with. “-but give it a shot.”
“It’s…” He stopped himself, exhaling a slow breath through his teeth. “It’s not that easy.”
“If ya say so.” Hanekoma scrutinized him for just a beat longer before he rubbed the back of his neck, attention shifting elsewhere, and that was the end of it. Neku noted then that it had gotten a little late, and he had homework he’d been putting off to finally do, and Joshua to talk to if he was online later.
“I gotta go.” He fished out his wallet from his pocket before slipping off the barstool, setting enough yen on the counter to cover his coffee. “Thanks for the chat.”
“Sure, anytime. And, ah, before I forget, something I wanna tell you.” Neku had already hoisted his bag over his shoulder and was halfway towards the door, but he turned around on his heel at that, waiting for the other to continue. “Oriental lilies. In orange.”
It took Neku at least half a minute to grasp what Hanekoma was getting at, but when he finally did, he grinned in tacit gratitude, throwing a wave over his shoulder as he stepped back out onto the streets. Seemed he had one more errand to run before finally heading home.
*****
Backstage was always a mess. Nervous muttering and pacing and breathing exercises mixed in with teachers spouting last-minute advice and the technicians running every which way. Joshua could never find a quiet spot in any of it, and that, far more than public performance, made him antsy. Although, he couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something else adding to his restlessness. While he deeply cared for music, concerts were never that interesting to him, and at all the previous ones, he generally felt nothing but apathy. Perhaps it was finally being able to play his own song that lent a splash of novelty and anticipation.
Or, it could be Neku. He was out there in the audience somewhere, Joshua knew, but what difference did that really make? He’d never wilted under focused attention, so it wasn’t anxiety brought on simply by the other’s presence. It was puzzling, and not conducive thinking just before he had to go onstage, but luckily his teacher approached him before he could get any more preoccupied.
“All set? Hands warm?” When Joshua answered in the affirmative, his teacher nodded, looking over at the entrance to the stage. “You’re on in five minutes…or whenever Aiko finishes. She’s playing a little fast.”
“Nerves, likely.”
“Probably. Not like that’s a worry of yours. Cool and composed as ever.” His teacher patted his shoulder approvingly, and Joshua smiled just enough to be deemed polite. “Just make sure you don’t decide to change anything for your own song on the fly, all right? It’s fine as is.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.” Not like the audience would know if he decided to tweak it in the middle of his performance, but the fuss it would cause from others wasn’t worth disobeying.
“Good, good.” Appeased, his teacher pointed at one of the assistants standing in the wings, looking steadily more uneasy about Joshua not yet standing at the ready for any cue. “And looks like it’s about time. Best of luck out there.”
Pushing himself away from the prop he had been leaning against, Joshua gave a light wave in acknowledgment before heading over to the position for his entrance, just as the previous performer made a final acknowledgement to the crowd. He tuned out whatever the MC was saying for his introduction and waited until she swept her arm in a short arc and glanced towards his end of the stage, before stepping out into the bright glare of the lights and applause. After having done so many performances before, the pivot towards the audience for a bow once he got to his piano could be done without thought, and he took the brief window of time to scan the seats, spotting who he was looking for almost immediately, in the front section, stage right. He didn’t think Neku, or anyone else for that matter, noticed the corners of his mouth quirking up, but a heartbeat later he straightened and turned to settle down on the bench, lips pressed together to keep the secret.
The keys were cool despite the relentless heat of the stage lights, familiar, reassuring smoothness under his fingertips. He settled his hands in the right positions, letting the silence that lingered after the applause hang in the air for a moment or two longer before he began to play.
For Joshua, concerts were typically events to endure, and he relied solely on talent to get through them with the bare amount of focus necessary for success. With Neku in the audience, though, something had shifted, and Joshua found himself attuned to his movements and the music itself, keeping his ear trained on the tempo and dynamics. It was no different than those lulls in the afternoon when they didn’t feel like going anywhere and Neku would turn to him and say, Hey. Play something for me, all feigned casualness broken by how his gaze sharpened with interest. Joshua obliged, most of the time, always satisfied when he managed to get just the slightest flicker of admiration across the other’s face. He didn’t know when that had become a reward, something he tried to obtain every time Neku was around to listen, but it was already too entrenched, practically a reflex, for the origin to matter.
In the midst of his original composition, he had a momentary, fleeting urge to turn his head and steal a glance into the crowd, just to see what Neku’s reaction was to it, to something that was not just a song, but a song that represented Joshua, his thoughts and sentiments in imprinted in every line. Although, that would have to wait until afterwards, when he had more time to pick out the subtleties he had grown so used to spotting in Neku’s expression. The stray whim was ignored, and Joshua continued to the end fluidly, the rhythmic press and lift of his fingers on the keys practically effortless.
At the finish, his fingers may have lingered in their final positions a fraction too long, trying to draw out the last ringing chord, but it was soon drowned out in applause, so Joshua didn’t think his teacher would find fault. He stood, moving to the front of the piano, taking one short bow followed by another when the volume of the audience increased as he attempted to make an exit. Eventually, he managed to slip backstage, into further praise by fellow musicians and one of the assistants, who offered a water bottle to help cool him off after being under the lights. There was one more performance following his to sit through, and Joshua was a little appreciative of the break. Post-concert tended to be exhaustingly hectic, and he wondered if he’d even get a spare moment to speak to Neku properly.
It didn’t seem very likely when everything finally wrapped up and he was ushered out into the lobby with the rest of the crowd. Finding anyone in the mess was difficult enough without people stopping him for congratulations or to hand over a bouquet. After a short while, he decided it might be a better venture to go search for a place to drop off all the flowers, but the sound of someone calling his name distracted him from that task. The voice wasn’t Neku’s, as it was too light and feminine, but it did belong to one of his friends, Eri, followed by Shiki and Beat.
“Joshua, hi!” She waved once she was in comfortable speaking distance. “You were really great up there. Seriously, wow, I see what all the talk is about.”
“These are for you.” Shiki managed to squeeze in next to her companion, posture faintly diffident as she handed Joshua a bunch of orchids. “You play really well.”
“It was nice of you to come. Thank you.” He smiled, enough that it seemed to ease her shyness, before going on to ask, “is Neku with you?”
“He was. Where in the world did he go?” Surprised, Eri turned around to address Beat, who seemed far more concerned with whatever he had grabbed from the refreshment table, and only offered a wide shrug. “He was right behind us!”
“Maybe he got lost in the crowd,” Shiki mused, trying to look over the heads of the people around them. “Funny, he had a gift for you too, Joshua.”
“Well, whatever.” Rolling her eyes, Eri checked something on her phone quickly, before facing Joshua again. “You’re probably swamped right now, but whenever you see him, can you send him our way?”
“Not a problem.”
“Awesome. Thanks a bunch.” Assured by that, Eri began making her way through the crowd again. “We’ll see you later!”
Shiki and Beat weren’t far behind with their goodbyes, and once they were out of sight, Joshua headed in another direction, pondering the locations Neku could be if it was not with his other friends. Eventually, he reached one of the outer edges of the lobby, spotting his mother and Hanekoma standing a short distance away. He had barely taken a step towards them when his godfather tipped his head meaningfully towards the corridor that led out to the back of the performance hall.
Easily taking the hint, he over to it, pausing only to surreptitiously place the flowers he was carrying down by Hanekoma’s feet. Joshua’s mother, deep in conversation with another parent, thankfully didn’t notice him at all, and he strode down the hall and out the door into the cool nighttime air without further interruption. Sure enough, Neku was there, leaning back against the wall a few feet away, heel tapping out a rhythm against the brick behind him.
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were avoiding me.”
“Wha-Josh?” He jumped, startled, nearly tipping himself forward onto the concrete. “No, just kinda suffocating inside. How did you know I was out here?”
“Sanae pointed me in the right direction.” Joshua made a dismissive gesture, moving to join Neku and rest his shoulder against the wall. The other’s tie was already pulled undone, but he had kept his hair down and unspiked, the strands soft without gel. “You look nice.”
“Shiki and Eri said I should dress up.” In the dim light from the single streetlamp above them, Joshua wasn’t sure Neku was blushing, but he had a good hunch. “I’m not used to it.”
“I can tell.” He gestured to his own neck, to draw attention to the state of the other’s tie. “I ran into your friends, earlier. They said you had a gift for me.”
“Oh. Yeah, I do.” Neku bit his lip, looking like he was going to tack on something else, but instead, only held out a bouquet of oriental lilies, in orange and white and wrapped with silver tissue paper. “Here. You were…really, really good up there.”
“Thank you.” Joshua took the flowers, smile brief but wide and genuine, before running his index finger along one of the petals thoughtfully. That praise, coming from Neku, could be categorized as glowing. “These are my favorites. How did you know?”
“I asked around.”
“Ah.” There was obviously more of a story to be had, but details could be uncovered later. There were more important things Joshua wanted to know. “So what did you think? About my composition, I mean.”
“That was the last one you played, right?” Neku frowned, craning his head up to stare at the few stars that could be seen through the hazy, bright film of the city. “I don’t know about any of the technical stuff, but I liked it.”
“You did?”
“Yeah.” He turned his attention back to Joshua, brows furrowed slightly. “Was there some meaning behind it or something?”
“Not really.” Not until he had gotten onstage and wanted Neku to listen, wanted it to make an impact, a mark, something as lasting and possessive as a love bite. A song that would stick, get lodged in the other’s mind as he went about his day, until he was humming it to himself and thinking of Joshua along with the notes. “Beyond wanting to be heard, that is.”
Neku nodded, slowly, like he was still digesting the words, before turning his body so he was facing Joshua, cautiously extending one hand. He touched his palm to a spot just below Joshua’s ribs, sliding it up over his chest, thumb running over the golden silk of the tie. Gripping part of the suit jacket, Neku tugged Joshua forward until they were nearly pressed flush together, and Joshua found his lips parting unconsciously in anticipation.
“Hey, uh. I know we don’t have a lot of time, but…” His words dropped off into nothingness as he pressed a kiss to Joshua’s mouth, slow and deep and full of promises they couldn’t keep right then with other people waiting for them. But Joshua curled his free hand against the back of the other’s neck to keep him close, fingers curling into the strands of hair there, texture surprisingly smooth without all the product in it. And he almost suggested they forget all obligations, head out into the city together, because doing ridiculous, silly things with Neku was a high comparative to how he felt before about finally enjoying himself on stage.
“Your friends are looking for you,” was what he said instead when they did finally break for air, distance between them so slight he could see the reflection of the single faint lamp in Neku’s eyes.
“I-yeah.” He swallowed, hand dropping from Joshua’s jacket lapel. “Yeah, you’ve probably got somewhere to go too, right?”
“Coffee and dessert with mother and Sanae, yes.” Joshua took a small step back, reaching up to smooth down his clothing. “We can always continue this at school.”
“Sure.” Neku looked anything but for a moment, but he managed a smile after another second. “Play me that song you wrote again, too.”
“A please would be nice.” Joshua sighed, mockingly longsuffering. “Especially for a musician of my caliber. But all right.”
“Show off,” Neku tossed back at him, nudging Joshua’s shoulder with his own, and started shuffling towards the lobby access. “Talk to you later, Josh.”
Joshua only managed to get out a short affirmative before the other slipped back inside, the door shutting behind him with a decisive thud.
The arrangement was meant to be an outlet with no risk, and Joshua felt downright stupid about the impulses cropping up that deviated from it. They were just friends, it was just fucking, but if he was even an ounce honest with himself, he knew Neku had never been just anything. Which was an issue on top of an increasingly growing pile of problems about something that was supposed to be uncomplicated. But it didn’t have to be dealt with that night, and besides, the shell of normalcy was preferable to whatever tangled mess he’d made for himself.
The sound of a car horn in the nearby parking lot jolted Joshua out of his thoughts, and he realized he’d lingered outside for a little too long. He quickly returned to the lobby, noticing a good chunk of the crowd had dissipated. As expected, his mother scolded him for running off when they finally met up, but a short apology was sufficient to drop the subject.
“You’re not forgetting anything backstage?” She reached up to brush his hair away in order to kiss his forehead, pulling back when Joshua shook his head.
“I grabbed my phone and things after I was done playing.”
“All right.” His mother’s hand fell to his shoulder, gently steering him towards the exit. “Darling, don’t you want Sanae to take the flowers you’re holding? He’s got all your other ones.”
“No, it’s fine.” He dropped his gaze to the lilies, pointedly ignoring the knowing look he was sure Hanekoma was shooting him. “I’d rather hold onto these.”
A/N: It's not really mentioned explicitly, but if you want some mood-music, the songs Joshua plays before his own are Chopin’s Nocturne No. 9 Op. 1 in B flat minor and Schubert’s Piano Sonata in C minor, Third Movement. The title comes from “The Carpal Tunnel of Love” by Fall Out Boy.