sigh
well...uh...pretty much the only people who read this already know what's going on...but yeah...things have been shitty. I kinda had another mental breakdown earlier this week. I'm finding that my wounds from mine and jesse's breakup either never really healed, or they're re opening...and that's really hard to deal with in itself. I don't want him back...it's mostly the idea of him. Hugging him, being around him. I miss it. A lot. I am so content to just lay and snuggle with him, but i guess technically it's inappropriate now that we're not together...and he might be trying to get with someone new. Which brings me to my next order of business. Am I a horrible person for hating him for moving on? IN my eyes he doesn't deserve to be happy after what he did to me. I feel like he has no place in the dating world because he's treated his last two girlfriends like shit. I don't wanna be a man hater...but I'm starting to turn into one. On the night of my mental break down, i e-mailed jesse basically all of this, and yes, i was crying hysterically, alone, in my apartment. i was really freaked out, and scared. I didn't know what I was going to do. I didn't think i would kill myself, but I did wonder where the closest exacto knife was, and how sharp it was. The only time i've actually purposely cut myself was after a fight with my mom the morning that i left LG when I went home for labor day. I was so angry, and emotion filled, and i needed a release, so yeah, i cut my arm a couple of times, not very deep, and the back of my hand a couple of times....so back to monday night. I was sitting there, trying to figure out who i could call at 2 am...I was scared and didn't want to be alone, I knew jesse was up, but I couldn't call him, but, i swear to god the second after I hit send on his e-mail, he called me, and asked me if i wanted to talk. When i couldn't actually form words because i was crying, he said he'd be right over. He proceeded to hold me while i cried hysterically, and called him names, and told him how much of a douche he is. I wanna hate him so much, but how can i hate someone who will just sit there, while i'm crying, and telling him all of the things i hate about him, and he'll just take it. So, i went to the doctor the other day. I got new medicine. I see her again tomorrow. For now all I can do is just recover or something....oh, and jesse, if you read this, uh...sorry for publicly bashing you like this...but i figure that the only people who read this already know our situation...and I've already said this to your face... :) and i don't hate you.