It all seems so simple.
I have done absolutely nothing this weekend. I didn't see any of my friends and I didn't even talk to any of them on the phone.
This weekend was perfect.
I don't know why, but I feel like I'm always happier when I'm alone. I'm always much more relaxed and just in a better mood in general. I know that sometimes I isolate myself from other people. I do it when I'm uncomfortable, when I'm stressed, upset, etc. But I'm beginning to realize that I also do it when I'm happy. I really don't know why that is. This weekend I spent a lot of time doing nothing but listening to my ipod. I also found out that purevolume is not blocked on my school computer and I spent a lot of time just listening to a lot of really small bands. Some of them were great (especially the one I'm listening to right now...) and others were awful. But after doing nothing but listening to music for the past couple days, I realized why I like enjoy it so much. I like music because I've always wanted to do it myself. I've just always thought it would be so fun to be in a band and go around to cities all over the country only to be greeted by people who love what you do. Needless to say, this will never happen. But it's still way cool to think about. And now, as I listen to all these small, unknown bands, I can only imagine how much they must love what they do. Hardly anyone listens to them and lots of the people who have heard them don't even like them. So why do they keep doing it? Because they love it. Because they love what they do. I want that in my life. Whatever job I have when I'm older, I want to love it.
I think that I'm becoming more of an introvert. Which is weird, because at the beginning of this year I was much more outgoing than I had ever been. But it seems that I'm going back to my old ways again. I've been reading a lot more, listening to music constantly, and I want to write. Like really write. Not livejournal updates or myspace about me's. But I want to write poems and books. And I want to paint pictures. Simplistic paintings that leave everything up to interpretation.
I don't know. Something has changed in me, once again. Hopefully, however, this time it won't result in me losing my best friends.
While I'm on the topic- I miss my old friends. I miss CAJA days. I miss hanging out with Caitlin and Alex and I miss Jordan. A lot. I don't know what happened with us. Before Homecoming, I still really liked him. We were still good friends and I was still holding on to the hope that there could be something more with us. But I feel like after Homecoming something changed. I no longer wanted anything more from him and that was the beginning of the end, I suppose. We hardly talk now. And when we do, it's just a quick hello or an awkward half-hearted hug. I think about him more than I'd like to. Which is depressing and really embarassing, especially considering that he probably doesn't even care about me anymore. I'm not a very emotional person- ask anyone- but there's something about him that really makes me uncomfortable. While we were friends it was a really good uncomfortable but now it's not. Now I just want to forget about him completely, because I've spent too much time in the last 2 years thinking about him.
Okay, I'm done.
PS!! Go on www.purevolume.com and search for a band called Albuquerque. They're so good. And they have 28 songs that you can download!