Please
Because apparently I've not been obvious or clear enough about this.
My mother, Claudia, died almost three years ago of cancer. She battled against it for two years. She was my best friend, one of the best persons I've ever known, and I truly and honestly believe that she was my soulmate. She was the person who knew me best. We finished each others sentences. We didn't do everything together, but we planned everything together. Since she died, I've been battling the last three years to learn to do things alone, because before, I knew how to do them, but she was always nearby.
Her death destroyed me. I'm barely starting to find out who am I without her. In my mind, most of what I was going to do included my mom. I've had to shift about 80% of my minds' perception to understand that 'it's only me now'. There is not ONE DAY when I don't wish she was here. If I got ONE wish? I'd wish for her to be alive again. No money, no fame, not eternal love. Just my mom. After she died, I understood that I would NEVER, EVER be perfectly happy ever again, not because I wanted to be emo about it, but because I knew that, no matter how happy I got to be, there was always going to be in my mind this tiny voice that would say 'I wish my mom was here'.
So yes, I have mommy issues. I'm well aware of it. I don't mind.
So what I ask here is, don't come into my journal to tell me how you won't care if your mother dies. Write about it in your journal, that's your right and I won't complain about it. Make a fucking parade in your journal. BUT DON'T FUCKING COME INTO MY SPACE, WHERE I'VE BEEN WRITING FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS HOW MUCH I MISS MY MOM, TO TELL ME THAT. What the hell do you expect from something like that? A fucking debate? A fucking round of applause?
I know that not every mom is as wonderful as mine was. I understand that everyone's got troubles with their families. I'm not asking for you to 'censure yourself'. I'm just asking for you to have some fucking tact and not to come into MY space for that. My kneejerk reaction is to envy every single person that has the chance and opportunity to talk to their moms before I rationalize it. Some days missing my mom hurts so much that just leaving the bed is a fucking miracle. I MISS MY MOM. EVEN WITH MY DEAREST FRIENDS, WHEN I HEAR THEY'RE HAVING TROUBLES WITH THEIR MOMS, I THINK 'AT LEAST YOU STILL HAVE YOUR MOM', EVEN WHEN I KNOW BETTER. And I'm talking about my best friends, the people who I actually know their lives and personal situations.
So, because I wasn't obvious enough about how fucking much I miss my mom, here it is, spelling it loud and clear.
Especially if in the post you commented that bullshit with, I had finished it by saying how much I miss my mom.
My mother, Claudia, died almost three years ago of cancer. She battled against it for two years. She was my best friend, one of the best persons I've ever known, and I truly and honestly believe that she was my soulmate. She was the person who knew me best. We finished each others sentences. We didn't do everything together, but we planned everything together. Since she died, I've been battling the last three years to learn to do things alone, because before, I knew how to do them, but she was always nearby.
Her death destroyed me. I'm barely starting to find out who am I without her. In my mind, most of what I was going to do included my mom. I've had to shift about 80% of my minds' perception to understand that 'it's only me now'. There is not ONE DAY when I don't wish she was here. If I got ONE wish? I'd wish for her to be alive again. No money, no fame, not eternal love. Just my mom. After she died, I understood that I would NEVER, EVER be perfectly happy ever again, not because I wanted to be emo about it, but because I knew that, no matter how happy I got to be, there was always going to be in my mind this tiny voice that would say 'I wish my mom was here'.
So yes, I have mommy issues. I'm well aware of it. I don't mind.
So what I ask here is, don't come into my journal to tell me how you won't care if your mother dies. Write about it in your journal, that's your right and I won't complain about it. Make a fucking parade in your journal. BUT DON'T FUCKING COME INTO MY SPACE, WHERE I'VE BEEN WRITING FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS HOW MUCH I MISS MY MOM, TO TELL ME THAT. What the hell do you expect from something like that? A fucking debate? A fucking round of applause?
I know that not every mom is as wonderful as mine was. I understand that everyone's got troubles with their families. I'm not asking for you to 'censure yourself'. I'm just asking for you to have some fucking tact and not to come into MY space for that. My kneejerk reaction is to envy every single person that has the chance and opportunity to talk to their moms before I rationalize it. Some days missing my mom hurts so much that just leaving the bed is a fucking miracle. I MISS MY MOM. EVEN WITH MY DEAREST FRIENDS, WHEN I HEAR THEY'RE HAVING TROUBLES WITH THEIR MOMS, I THINK 'AT LEAST YOU STILL HAVE YOUR MOM', EVEN WHEN I KNOW BETTER. And I'm talking about my best friends, the people who I actually know their lives and personal situations.
So, because I wasn't obvious enough about how fucking much I miss my mom, here it is, spelling it loud and clear.
Especially if in the post you commented that bullshit with, I had finished it by saying how much I miss my mom.