On Polyamory
I promised I'd discuss this when I was a little more rational, because I have alot to say about this issue and I'd like to get it out on the air.
For those who don't really understand the difference: polyamory and swinging are entirely different things. Swingers, in general, seek to form sexual connections to people without any emotional connections. Polyamory seeks to form both sexual and emotional connections with multiple people. The basic gist is that people can be in love with multiple people at once, and for every individual, the way that individual connects with people may be different. For example, poly people don't have to be equally in love with two partners, and having sex with them both. For some, they may have a group of people involved, all interconnected in myriad different ways. They might even be in love with multiple people and not having sex at all with some of them (or any of them!). The point of poly isn't to form a rigid triad, or any other set grouping, but to form a network of emotional and sexual intimacy.
That's all well and good, for those who have the energy to manage such things. The main problem with poly relationships that I've discovered is that very few people have the energy to maintain all their relationships well. One relationship or the other is guaranteed to suffer. The most common poly relationship is a traditional 'couple' who each consider each other the primary, or most important partner, with various occasional secondary partners. The primary is generally the recipient of the most energy and emotional commitment from the partners involved, but the levels of commitment and energy vary.
I don't want to diss polyamory. It obviously works for some people. It doesn't work for me. I just ended the most serious relationship of my life, with the man I honestly wanted to marry, because of polyamory. I committed more energy, tens of times more work, and absolutely more of myself, than I have ever committed in a relationship before. I honestly tried harder than I believed I was capable of trying to make this relationship work, and it didn't. In fact, I ignored my own intuition in the very beginning of the relationship in the hopes of being able to make it work by pure willpower, and I was very wrong to do so. I not only stunted my own personal growth, I feel like I wasted over a year of my life and tons of my energy doing so. I am never willing to be in a poly relationship again.
So, here I am, starting over. If the last year and a bit of my life taught me anything, at least it taught me what I don't want out of a relationship, but that's fairly cold comfort.
For those who don't really understand the difference: polyamory and swinging are entirely different things. Swingers, in general, seek to form sexual connections to people without any emotional connections. Polyamory seeks to form both sexual and emotional connections with multiple people. The basic gist is that people can be in love with multiple people at once, and for every individual, the way that individual connects with people may be different. For example, poly people don't have to be equally in love with two partners, and having sex with them both. For some, they may have a group of people involved, all interconnected in myriad different ways. They might even be in love with multiple people and not having sex at all with some of them (or any of them!). The point of poly isn't to form a rigid triad, or any other set grouping, but to form a network of emotional and sexual intimacy.
That's all well and good, for those who have the energy to manage such things. The main problem with poly relationships that I've discovered is that very few people have the energy to maintain all their relationships well. One relationship or the other is guaranteed to suffer. The most common poly relationship is a traditional 'couple' who each consider each other the primary, or most important partner, with various occasional secondary partners. The primary is generally the recipient of the most energy and emotional commitment from the partners involved, but the levels of commitment and energy vary.
I don't want to diss polyamory. It obviously works for some people. It doesn't work for me. I just ended the most serious relationship of my life, with the man I honestly wanted to marry, because of polyamory. I committed more energy, tens of times more work, and absolutely more of myself, than I have ever committed in a relationship before. I honestly tried harder than I believed I was capable of trying to make this relationship work, and it didn't. In fact, I ignored my own intuition in the very beginning of the relationship in the hopes of being able to make it work by pure willpower, and I was very wrong to do so. I not only stunted my own personal growth, I feel like I wasted over a year of my life and tons of my energy doing so. I am never willing to be in a poly relationship again.
So, here I am, starting over. If the last year and a bit of my life taught me anything, at least it taught me what I don't want out of a relationship, but that's fairly cold comfort.