this is what i wanted

[allieallyali]

i wanted this. i do want this.but  i want him to be happy.

oh fuck fuck fuck.
not cryptic: john is a mess and i am to blame. i cannot be with him and he's not happy without me.
i'm a selfish little bitch and i can't care. i don't know what to do.

ughbfiuodh everyone already knows this.
i want to cry and hurt. and i want to run away, i want to never see him again and i want to hold him. i want to forget for a little but i know thats not happening any time soon.

he wants me to call him on tuesday. i'm going to, even though i know its a huge mistake. i don't want to be blamed for him failing out. i don't want to be blamed for him smoking pot. i don't want to be blamed. I am not Joe Langton.
i don't want to be blamed, but even if he didn't (which he has made very clear that he does blame me) i know its my fault.

fuck fuck fuck,. there is nothing i can do. i don't want this. i'm a quitter and i don't care who knows it. this got too hard and it wasn't worth the lying. its my life, last i checked.

this is what i want.
i just want him to be happy. this sucks sucks sucks. everyone at home is going to hate me.

i want him to find some awesome girl and date her. i can't have his happiness. i want him to be happy. i am fine with being miserable.

i don't know what to do. this feels like a big hole and i jumped into it. at the bottom there is goodness and i brought him with me. but he doesn't trust me. he doesn't trust me that the top was just bad, it was not real.

i do love him. as a friend. i am not in love with him and i told him so and it felt good. and then it felt really bad. i don't want him to be sad but i can't do this. i can't i can't i can't.

all i want is to cry and hurt and heal. i want to be me again.

i want this. but its hard.