(no subject)
so i realized as of late that i am so afraid to go to college. i wish i could take back every time that i ever stayed home watching tv (ahem, tonight), fallen asleep during a social outing, or worked a weekend, and tack them onto the end of this summer. maybe then i'd feel like i hadn't wasted all of my time.
70 days is the time i have here. 70. and i am sitting, alone.
the thing is, i have nothing to miss here, and in 70 days one of the only things i have that is worth caring about, i wont have anymore ANYWAYS, no matter where i am. noone leaves me alone when im at home. i am sick of my dead-end job. ive been counting down the years since i was a freshman.
but its not the same as switching schools in middle school. i cant jsut make it through the day then go home and be in a familiar place. everything will be brand new. if i cant figure out how to do something, adam or amanda or paula wont be there to help me.
i know i dont have too many friends but i always know that i can call the aforementioned people, along with shari and a selected few other people, even matt and jared, when im bored and need something to do. it wont be the same at school- ill be putting on a face 24 hours a day, something ive never had to do.
i wont be anyones center of attention up in durham, nh. noones going to care.
im afraid that people will be nice for the first few days and then form their own cliques. im scared, i dont know how to be around people 24 hours a day.
the persona that ive created for myself up here wont mean anything down there. was it smart to go 85 miles away to school? 85 freaking miles.
why is noone else scared? i think i am more independent than most. i pay for everything myself, i cook 95% of my own meals. but what if something happens to me? what if my laptop gets stolen? what if everyone goes out and leaves me behind?
i have nothing left to leave behind, but that scares me even more. im going to "the beach" (ames pond) tomorrow, but will prob go all alone. i do everything all alone because i have so few friends. you would think that would motivate me to start over but it just scares me. i hope this will pass but i have been up so late every night worrying, its coming, in seventy days everything will change.
i finally understand why people were sad at graduation. i couldnt grasp it before. now i wish i could go back in time and really live my life. i regret working so much, keeping to myself, assuming noone liked me. if i hadnt been with adam this year, prob i would have NO good memories of high school at all. i dont wanna delve into stuff that i'd rather keep to myself, but i actually dont know what would have come of me this fall/winter if i hadnt been trying to live up to adam's academic success. but anyways this is all my fault, ive had friends but i let my social anxieties take over. maybe thats why i have so little luck with guys, i send off the wrong message cause i assume theres only one message guys want from me. well anyways.
okay im gonna go continue my fun-filled night.
70 days is the time i have here. 70. and i am sitting, alone.
the thing is, i have nothing to miss here, and in 70 days one of the only things i have that is worth caring about, i wont have anymore ANYWAYS, no matter where i am. noone leaves me alone when im at home. i am sick of my dead-end job. ive been counting down the years since i was a freshman.
but its not the same as switching schools in middle school. i cant jsut make it through the day then go home and be in a familiar place. everything will be brand new. if i cant figure out how to do something, adam or amanda or paula wont be there to help me.
i know i dont have too many friends but i always know that i can call the aforementioned people, along with shari and a selected few other people, even matt and jared, when im bored and need something to do. it wont be the same at school- ill be putting on a face 24 hours a day, something ive never had to do.
i wont be anyones center of attention up in durham, nh. noones going to care.
im afraid that people will be nice for the first few days and then form their own cliques. im scared, i dont know how to be around people 24 hours a day.
the persona that ive created for myself up here wont mean anything down there. was it smart to go 85 miles away to school? 85 freaking miles.
why is noone else scared? i think i am more independent than most. i pay for everything myself, i cook 95% of my own meals. but what if something happens to me? what if my laptop gets stolen? what if everyone goes out and leaves me behind?
i have nothing left to leave behind, but that scares me even more. im going to "the beach" (ames pond) tomorrow, but will prob go all alone. i do everything all alone because i have so few friends. you would think that would motivate me to start over but it just scares me. i hope this will pass but i have been up so late every night worrying, its coming, in seventy days everything will change.
i finally understand why people were sad at graduation. i couldnt grasp it before. now i wish i could go back in time and really live my life. i regret working so much, keeping to myself, assuming noone liked me. if i hadnt been with adam this year, prob i would have NO good memories of high school at all. i dont wanna delve into stuff that i'd rather keep to myself, but i actually dont know what would have come of me this fall/winter if i hadnt been trying to live up to adam's academic success. but anyways this is all my fault, ive had friends but i let my social anxieties take over. maybe thats why i have so little luck with guys, i send off the wrong message cause i assume theres only one message guys want from me. well anyways.
okay im gonna go continue my fun-filled night.