You probably shouldn't read this....
On a day like today I don't feel like writing about all the stuff I did...where I was...how I am...it doesn't really matter...I know that how I feel is not worth talking about...I know it goes against everything we are trying to accomplish...I know that I'm reacting to emotion and insecurity more than ever and that what's going through my head would just make things worse. I'm angry though. I'm angry that I can't say how I feel. I'm angry that I can't just say how I feel without having to question the consequences of that. I hate that I have to hide all of this deep inside of my heart...it's hurting me there. Why is it so hard? Why? Why must it be so difficult? I can handle a lot of things, but I don't deal well with keeping everything inside. I'm trying so hard to be patient...understanding...supportive...I love you more than I can say...and I'm trying to keep my feelings to myself...I'm trying to give you what you've asked. Always. I'm always trying to do things for you. Do you realize that? really...
Of course you do.
See...the worst part about these feelings is that I know you do. I know I'm just making myself crazy. I know that all of these worries are merely paranoia...I know that you love me. I know that a month apart isn't going to take me out of your heart. I know that you haven't forgotten me...I know that you aren't giving up on me...so why am I feeling this way? Why am I so angry. Why am I so upset? Why?
I just miss you. I just miss my friend. I want to talk to you. I want to see you. I want to hear your voice. I want to hug you. Listen to you speak...I miss you. And knowing that I can't call you, or email you, or anything...well...that's making me crazy. So I'm sorry for this, but I couldn't stand it.
And eventhough me missing you won't bring you home any faster...eventhough my missing you doesn't change the fact that this is best for us right now. Even if me missing you is stupid. I do.
I can only relax when I'm expressing my feelings and being honest. I'm sorry if that works against what you are doing. I have to think about what's good for me too.
Days like today are exhausting.
Of course you do.
See...the worst part about these feelings is that I know you do. I know I'm just making myself crazy. I know that all of these worries are merely paranoia...I know that you love me. I know that a month apart isn't going to take me out of your heart. I know that you haven't forgotten me...I know that you aren't giving up on me...so why am I feeling this way? Why am I so angry. Why am I so upset? Why?
I just miss you. I just miss my friend. I want to talk to you. I want to see you. I want to hear your voice. I want to hug you. Listen to you speak...I miss you. And knowing that I can't call you, or email you, or anything...well...that's making me crazy. So I'm sorry for this, but I couldn't stand it.
And eventhough me missing you won't bring you home any faster...eventhough my missing you doesn't change the fact that this is best for us right now. Even if me missing you is stupid. I do.
I can only relax when I'm expressing my feelings and being honest. I'm sorry if that works against what you are doing. I have to think about what's good for me too.
Days like today are exhausting.