angst
i think as much as i believe that every person on earth has one soulmate, i think they have a counterpart who is placed on the earth with the sole puropse of hurting them on every level that they can imagine being hurt. its so funny how people can be so utterly opposed to hearing someone's opinion when it conflicts with their own.
tonight, before anything even happened, for the first time in my life the thought occured to me that i am more ready than i've ever been to move out of this house. i absolutely resent relying on anyone or anything for things that i need and i so so sick of trying and trying and not getting anything to show for it. it also occured to me that after i finally do move out, how fucking hard it is going to be to ever move back in here. i dont want to. there, i said it. i cant live with that psycho bitch anymore.
what does it take to make a parent realize that they cant control every detail of their child's life anymore? as well, it occured to me how many things i've learned from her that i will use as examples of how not to deal with conflict with my own children. for starters, i will never, EVER, mark my words, lay a hand on any child for any reason. violence solves absolutely nothing when its between two adults and even less when it's between an adult and a child. it puts parenting in reverse if anything by making a child afraid to speak up. the lowest dispair that a child can experience is to be afraid of their own parent. i have also learned that i will master the art of calm discussion. i will never get angry without a logical reason which was clearly the child's own fault. i will never take out the stresses and hassles of my life on a child who did nothing to create them and can do nothing to soothe them. i will listen calmly to my children as they explain themselves and, if i still beleive them to be in the wrong, i will calmly impose punnishment. a punnishment that i beleive fits the crime, and a punnishment that makes sense in the logical, real, not-vengeful world. i will not get upset when the child inevitabely does, and i will not let it push me over the edge, because i wont even be near the edge in the first place. lastly, i will realize that this entire crime and punnishment scenario can be avoided altogether by making my wishes clear, firm, concise, and law before anything ever occurs. afterall, how can one expect a child to know that they are doing something wrong when you have joked with them about the very same issue beforehand. regaurdless of the circumstances, as long as i am demanding and firm, whatever outcome i expect from any given scenario will be a clear as the light of day.
it's not that i even dislike her as a person, and its not that i dont love her because god, or whoever listens to little girls prayers at night, knows that i do. i love calling her at work and chatting for 15 minutes or so, hanging up, and than calling back because i forgot to tell her the entire reason that i called in the first place. i love making dinner with her and when she asks me to help like she really knows that i can. and i love it when she asks me to go places with her just so she can have some company. i know she tries to love me back and she doesnt mean to make me doubt it, but i do.
i need a break. maybe tommorrow i'll just stay in my room all day. become a hermit or something, that way i dont make any more damning assumptions.
tonight, before anything even happened, for the first time in my life the thought occured to me that i am more ready than i've ever been to move out of this house. i absolutely resent relying on anyone or anything for things that i need and i so so sick of trying and trying and not getting anything to show for it. it also occured to me that after i finally do move out, how fucking hard it is going to be to ever move back in here. i dont want to. there, i said it. i cant live with that psycho bitch anymore.
what does it take to make a parent realize that they cant control every detail of their child's life anymore? as well, it occured to me how many things i've learned from her that i will use as examples of how not to deal with conflict with my own children. for starters, i will never, EVER, mark my words, lay a hand on any child for any reason. violence solves absolutely nothing when its between two adults and even less when it's between an adult and a child. it puts parenting in reverse if anything by making a child afraid to speak up. the lowest dispair that a child can experience is to be afraid of their own parent. i have also learned that i will master the art of calm discussion. i will never get angry without a logical reason which was clearly the child's own fault. i will never take out the stresses and hassles of my life on a child who did nothing to create them and can do nothing to soothe them. i will listen calmly to my children as they explain themselves and, if i still beleive them to be in the wrong, i will calmly impose punnishment. a punnishment that i beleive fits the crime, and a punnishment that makes sense in the logical, real, not-vengeful world. i will not get upset when the child inevitabely does, and i will not let it push me over the edge, because i wont even be near the edge in the first place. lastly, i will realize that this entire crime and punnishment scenario can be avoided altogether by making my wishes clear, firm, concise, and law before anything ever occurs. afterall, how can one expect a child to know that they are doing something wrong when you have joked with them about the very same issue beforehand. regaurdless of the circumstances, as long as i am demanding and firm, whatever outcome i expect from any given scenario will be a clear as the light of day.
it's not that i even dislike her as a person, and its not that i dont love her because god, or whoever listens to little girls prayers at night, knows that i do. i love calling her at work and chatting for 15 minutes or so, hanging up, and than calling back because i forgot to tell her the entire reason that i called in the first place. i love making dinner with her and when she asks me to help like she really knows that i can. and i love it when she asks me to go places with her just so she can have some company. i know she tries to love me back and she doesnt mean to make me doubt it, but i do.
i need a break. maybe tommorrow i'll just stay in my room all day. become a hermit or something, that way i dont make any more damning assumptions.