Life Will Write The Words (2/2)
PART 1
Four days later, Kyungsoo finally manages to get himself away from his homework and across the shared lawn to Chanyeol’s window. It’s late-already dark-but there’s light coming through the blinds, and Kyungsoo grins, fishing a USB stick out of his pocket. He spent all weekend searching up and downloading different Guitar for Beginners videos from YouTube, knowing they’d probably be way more useful to Chanyeol than words and pictures on a page.
He’s just about to knock on the glass when he hears a harsh chord of music spill through the half-open window, awkward and grating. There’s an annoyed huff of sound, and then another chord, and another. Kyungsoo listens, and smiles. They’re far from perfect-Kyungsoo has serious doubts about the tuning of the guitar-but they’re stubborn. They’re real and crashing into the world. Progress.
“Knock knock,” he says, rapping his knuckles against the glass. The chords stop abruptly, and Chanyeol pulls up the blinds a second later.
He’s not smiling. “What do you want,” he says gruffly, shoulders hunched, Toben yapping in the background.
Kyungsoo blinks. “I came to give you something.”
Chanyeol grimaces. “Another thing? Already?”
Kyungsoo is so surprised by his tone that he doesn’t know what to say for a moment. “I- Can I come in?”
Chanyeol sighs, shrugs. Opens the window farther and steps aside.
By the time Kyungsoo has climbed through, Chanyeol’s shoulders have relaxed. “Sorry,” he says, head down, embarrassed now. “I’m just. I was...practicing.”
“I could tell,” Kyungsoo says carefully, looking him over. Chanyeol looks tired, drawn a little thin, but there are no new cuts or bruises. At least not where Kyungsoo can see. The guitar’s lying across his bed, set aside carefully. “How’s it going?”
Chanyeol makes a vague sound, sits down on the edge of his bed. His hands rest on his knees, palms up, and Kyungsoo can see the reddened tips of his fingers. “It’s shit,” he says. “I’m. I don’t want to do it anymore.”
Kyungsoo frowns. “Why not? You love music. You’ve always said you want to learn.”
Chanyeol sighs, harsh and frustrated. “It’s hard. Nothing sounds right and my fingers hurt and I’m not getting anywhere. And it doesn’t matter anyway. It’s too late for me to get into college now. My grades are shit and it’s not like I’d pass a test for a music program and it’s just-it’s so fucking hard. I don’t want to do it anymore.”
“Yeol,” Kyungsoo says, crossing his arms over his chest. “You don’t have to go straight into college after high school. You know that, right?”
Chanyeol lifts his head, blinks up at him. “Well what would I do instead?”
“I dunno, get a job? Save up some money? Work on turning your life around?” Kyungsoo suggests.
Chanyeol growls, pushing his hand through his hair. “But that sounds hard.”
“Life is hard, Chanyeol!” Kyungsoo says, throwing his hands in the air. Chanyeol stares at him, wide-eyed, and Kyungsoo sighs, lowers his voice. “Life is hard. Getting into a music school on scholarship was hard. Figuring out a way to get out of this shitty neighbourhood was hard. Right now, being your friend is hard. But you do hard things sometimes, okay? You do hard things if you care about them.”
Chanyeol’s jaw twitches, and he looks away again, looks up at the ceiling and doesn’t say anything.
Kyungsoo clenches his fists, takes a deep breath. Wonders how many wrong things he just said. What he all made worse this time.
He says, “I know it’s hard. I know. But I want you to keep trying.” He fishes the USB out of his pocket, sets it down on the bed beside Chanyeol. “Try these. I think they might help.”
Chanyeol shrugs, doesn’t look at him. And the thing is, Kyungsoo doesn’t even blame him. “Hey,” he says, voice coming out a little hoarse. Chanyeol’s chin jerks in his direction, but he doesn’t turn. “Chanyeol. I’m. Look.” He sighs, tries to find the right words. “Yeol, I’m...proud of you. For trying. Okay? I really am proud of you.”
Chanyeol’s throat bobs. “I’m not even accomplishing anything.”
“I know, Yeol, but you’re trying. You’re always trying. And I-I know it’s hard. To try. But you always try anyway.” Kyungsoo curls his fingers tighter, forces his voice past the lump in his throat. “And I’m sorry that I’m always just...yelling at you, and making you feel like shit. I don’t want you to always feel like shit around me. So. I’m sorry. And I don’t think you’re shit.” Chanyeol’s shoulders twitch up in a shrug, and Kyungsoo shakes his head. “I don’t. You’re not. I’m always getting angry and saying shitty things to you because I’m frustrated and tired and worried but I don’t. I think you’re awesome, okay? I get angry because I know what you’re really like and I see you acting stupid but I know that you’re-you’re an awesome person. And you’re brilliant. And you’re my best friend, and I’m really glad you’re my best friend. And you’re important to me. Which is why I yell, but I’m sorry. And.” He swallows thickly. “I love you, okay?”
Chanyeol turns, finally, stares at him.
Kyungsoo looks away, rubs a hand through his hair. “You’re. You’re my best friend. I gotta go study for finals, but I wanted you to know, okay. That I’m proud of you, and I’m really happy that you’re trying, and that I...love you. And. Yeah.”
Chanyeol doesn’t say anything-just stares, like he doesn’t quite understand what Kyungsoo is saying-and honestly, Kyungsoo barely knows, either-and then Kyungsoo jerks his thumb over his shoulder, starts shuffling back towards the window. “I should go now. Keep practicing, okay?”
“Okay,” Chanyeol says quietly.
Kyungsoo nods, warm-cheeked, and then climbs back out the window and hurries home.
🐶🎧🐶🎧🐶
After the required puppy walk, Kyungsoo doesn't see Chanyeol for two solid weeks.
It's not really his or Chanyeol's fault, he doesn't think. Final projects are all suddenly due all at the same time, and Kyungsoo is up to his neck in preparations for his own graduation, the end of his high school career. Practice sessions and studying and extra scholarship applications and making sure his grades are high enough to get those scholarships. He can't be blamed-he's pretty sure-for not really having time to check on Chanyeol every single night.
And the thing is, every time he does check on Chanyeol, he's not home. His bedroom lights aren't on, and no one answers when he knocks on the glass.
It's...worrisome. Kyungsoo is worried. But he doesn't have time to be worried. He's already so busy worrying about himself. And Chanyeol is an adult.
At least that's what Jongdae keeps telling him, whenever Kyungsoo spaces out in the middle of practices, or gets caught sighing about nothing.
"I get that you're concerned about him," Jongdae says, while Baekhyun stays silent because he knows Kyungsoo is much more likely to beat him up for saying something out of line. "But you won't always have time to bail him out or whatever. He can't always have people-have you-picking him up and dusting him off. I'm not saying that he should never have help. Okay? But if he's not capable of staying out of trouble without your constant supervision... You know? Maybe he needs more help than just yours."
Kyungsoo huffs out a frustrated breath, drags his fingers through his hair. "But I don't even know what's going on with him. Usually, if he's getting into trouble, he comes to me. But he's not doing that right now. He's just...not around."
"Is that a good sign or a bad sign?" Baekhyun asks.
Kyungsoo shrugs morosely, dotting his pen in the margins of his paper. "I don't know. But I'm worried it's bad. Worse than usual. I'm worried I said something so wrong that he won't even come to me if something happened."
Jongdae and Baekhyun glance at each other, and then shrug. "Text him?" Jongdae suggests.
"Tried it," Kyungsoo mutters. "He's being evasive."
"Sounds bad," Baekhyun sighs. "Ask his parents?"
"I don't want to say anything in case he gets in more trouble," Kyungsoo admits. "He doesn't need the added stress."
"Or maybe he does?" Jongdae says uncertainly. "Like. Maybe he needs to get in trouble. Real trouble. In order for him to stop."
Kyungsoo sighs heavily. "I don't know," he says. "I don't know what's best at this point."
He finishes up his part of their joint project, packs up his things, catches the bus home before Baekhyun. He loops around to the backyard, peeks into Chanyeol's window.
It's dark. He knocks gently, but no one answers. He sighs, goes back inside to curl up on his bed.
He's half-asleep-still in his clothes on top of his comforter-when someone knocks on his window. He sits up, frowns, rubs his eyes.
"Chanyeol?" he says when he pulls up the blinds, surprised even though he knows, logically, that it's highly unlikely to be anyone else.
Chanyeol stands on the other side of the glass with hunched shoulders and his hands clasped behind his back like a naughty schoolboy. "Hi," he says quietly. "Did I wake you?"
Kyungsoo blinks hard and shakes his head, forcing himself not to yawn as he pries off the screen over his window. "No. Hey. What's up?"
Immediately, Chanyeol shakes his head, takes a step back. "Oh, no, I'm not coming in."
"Oh," Kyungsoo says, fingers locked around the screen. "Why not?"
Chanyeol just shakes his head again. "I. I only came to. Give you this." He takes his hands out from behind his back, holds out a little parcel wrapped messily in newspaper.
Kyungsoo's immediate, visceral reaction is anger. "What's this?" he snaps, reaching through the open window to snatch it from Chanyeol's hand. "Yeol, what the fuck?"
Chanyeol's throat bobs in the light coming through Kyungsoo's window. "I," he says quietly. "I bought that for you."
Kyungsoo freezes. Chanyeol does dumb shit-does so much fucking dumb shit-but he never lies. Not to Kyungsoo. "You bought it?"
Jerkily, Chanyeol nods.
Kyungsoo's fingers curl around the edge of the gift. "With- How?"
Chanyeol shuffles his feet, scratches the back of his neck nervously. "I." He stops, toes at the weeds under his feet. "I...got a job."
For a second, Kyungsoo doesn't even know what to say. The cool night air blows in through his window, and crickets chirp in the grass, filling the uncomfortably long silence before he manages to say, "You did?"
Chanyeol nods, apparently at a loss for words as much as Kyungsoo is.
Kyungsoo blinks. "Where?"
A tiny smile quirks at the corner of Chanyeol's lips, shy and uncertain. "The...corner store."
"Our corner store?" Kyungsoo asks incredulously.
Chanyeol's shoulders hunch. "Yeah."
"The corner store you shoplifted from?"
Chanyeol tugs his zipper up and down nervously. "Um. Yeah."
Kyungsoo lets out a loud, disbelieving laugh, a little too overwhelmed from emotional whiplash to respond like he normally would. "They hired you there? Damn, Yeol. I can't believe they gave you a second chance."
"Yeah," Chanyeol whispers, ducking his head.
"Hey," Kyungsoo says immediately, reaching out for him even though Chanyeol is too far to touch. "Hey. I'm happy. I'm-really fucking happy, Chanyeol.”
Chanyeol looks up at him again, eyes wide and a little shiny. “You are?”
“Of course I am,” Kyungsoo says, chest squeezing. “This. This is a good thing. I'm so happy about this." He pauses, and then adds, "I just can't believe you were brave enough to ask them."
"Well," Chanyeol says, shuffling his feet again. "I just figured. If they were willing to give me another chance, then...maybe you would too."
Kyungsoo's heart stutters a little in his chest. Damn this boy, and his huge goddamn puppy eyes. No wonder he got that job despite his reputation there. He's a goddamn angel, when he's not actively fucking up. "So," he says gruffly, embarrassed. "Am I supposed to open this, or...?"
Chanyeol blinks. "Oh, yeah! Um. It's a gift. I guess."
Kyungsoo chews on his lip, peels the newspaper back messily to reveal...a little dangly keychain, with a huge sun wearing sunglasses over a sandy beach, and the words Cali Girl in curly writing across the bottom. Kyungsoo laughs helplessly, shakes his head, hates how tight his throat feels. "Wow, Park. Don't get too creative with your gifts."
Chanyeol huffs, twists his hands in the hem of his jacket. "It's a-a souvenir. Something to remember me by, you know. When you go away to college."
Kyungsoo's ribs tighten around his lungs. "Oh," he says, swallowing thickly. Suddenly, his giddy joy at Chanyeol having found a job-a real job-is mixed in with...something else. Something much more complex. "I'll be sure to put it on my backpack so everyone can see."
"You don't have to do that," Chanyeol says quickly.
"No," Kyungsoo says. "I really do."
A smile tugs at Chanyeol's lips, and he looks away. "Hey, Soo," he says softly.
"Hmm?"
Chanyeol takes another step away from the window-away from Kyungsoo. "I. I'd like to take you somewhere."
Kyungsoo blinks, frowns. "What do you mean? Right now?"
"No, I mean." Chanyeol clears his throat uncomfortably. "I mean sometime. I'd like to take you somewhere. Like. To a restaurant, or to the movies, or..."
Kyungsoo's heart thumps against his ribs. "Why?"
Chanyeol shuffles a little farther away. "I just. I want to."
"Yeol," Kyungsoo says, blood rushing in his ears. "Why?"
"Because you're leaving soon." Chanyeol's throat bobs. "And I want to. I want to be with...you. Until then. I know I'm still not good and I'm, I'm going to make more mistakes but. I want to spend time with you."
Something in Kyungsoo's head whispers oh, god. And part of him thinks he must, he must be misinterpreting this. But the other part thinks he might die if he is. If Chanyeol isn't...asking what Kyungsoo thinks he's asking. He’s never even really, really thought about this before, anything like this, but suddenly, he...is very much thinking about it. At very high speeds. "Okay," he croaks. "Sure. I like movies."
"Okay," Chanyeol says, still from five feet away. "Can we go on Tuesday, maybe? It's matinée."
"Sure," Kyungsoo says, even though he has no idea what his schedule looks like. His heart is beating too loudly for him to think that rationally. "I can pay for my own ticket though."
Immediately, Chanyeol shakes his head. "No. I want to. You've...you've given me a lot already. And I...want to."
Kyungsoo hesitates, chews on his lip. And then he says, "Okay. Tuesday. You're paying."
Chanyeol flashes him a smile so bright it makes Kyungsoo's knees a little weak. "Okay," he says, weirdly breathless. "See you then."
And then he runs-literally runs away-back home, to his own side of the house, where Kyungsoo watches him dart through the back door, and then a second later slam his bedroom window shut. Like he's so embarrassed that he can't risk Kyungsoo catching a glimpse of him through the glass.
Kyungsoo grins, cheeks hot, and closes his own window much more gently.
"It's a date," he says quietly, just to himself. And then, "I think."
🐶🎧🐶🎧🐶
Kyungsoo has no idea why he subconsciously stakes so much on what Chanyeol wears to take him on their...movie date thing, but when his best friend shows up at his window in the same ripped jeans and huge purple jacket as always, he really. He feels something suspiciously like despair.
Same old clothes. Nothing special. He obviously didn’t spend an hour scouring his entire closet for the perfect I’m-not-trying-to-look-good-for-you-I-just-do outfit.
Not that Chanyeol doesn’t look good. Because his face is still...annoyingly handsome. But it’s the principle of the matter.
“Hey,” Kyungsoo says, forcing a smile.
“Hi,” Chanyeol says, fidgeting on the other side of the glass. “Ready to go?”
“Yeah. I was just going to. Change. Into something else.” Kyungsoo tugs his shirt a little bitterly over his head, pulls on the same t-shirt he wore to school that day.
“Oh. Okay,” Chanyeol says. “You looked nice, though. I mean, you still look nice. Also.”
Kyungsoo feels his face flush embarrassedly, and he shrugs, flattens his bangs over his forehead. “Thanks,” he says awkwardly. “So are we gonna go? Also, you could have come through the door, you know. We have a door.”
“I know,” Chanyeol says. “But I like coming to the window. Everything feels more exciting if you climb through a window.”
Kyungsoo snorts, shoving his feet into a pair of high-tops from his closet. “We’re just going to the movies, Yeol. It’s not that exciting.”
Chanyeol’s lips press together in a tiny frown, just for a moment, and then he says, “I mean, I know. But still.”
Kyungsoo turns away under the pretense of making sure he hasn’t forgotten anything, and squeezes his eyes shut briefly. Shit. He said a bunch of wrong things again.
“Okay,” he says, trying to keep his voice light. “Let’s go!”
Chanyeol flashes him a smile in response, but it’s not as bright as it should be. Kyungsoo fucked up.
Their walk to the movie theatre is...not quite uncomfortable, but it’s weird. There’s obviously something not quite right hanging between them, and Kyungsoo knows it’s his fault. He...he thought this was something it wasn’t, probably, and now he’s acting stupid and Chanyeol probably doesn’t know what’s going on and honestly, Kyungsoo should have just...said something. Used his words, maybe. But he never knows how to do that. Every time he tries, he just makes things worse.
But then they get there, and Chanyeol suddenly looks so fucking happy, paying for their tickets with his own money, holding them up proudly for an employee who has probably caught him sneaking in here-probably with his dog, too-in the past.
He looks so happy, and Kyungsoo doesn’t get to make this shitty for him. Not today. He won’t do that to Chanyeol.
“Hey,” he says, tugging on Chanyeol’s elbow as he heads for the line to get into the cinema. “Hey. Do you want to get some photobooth stickers, maybe? On me.”
Chanyeol blinks at him. “I can pay,” he says immediately.
“No, not for this,” Kyungsoo says, quirking a smile at him. “This is for me, so I’ll pay.”
A minute later, they’re sitting in the theatre’s dingy little photobooth, pressed close together on the narrow bench in front of the camera. Kyungsoo clicks through the options, and the timer counts down from 3.
Instantly, Chanyeol’s 1000-watt grin is out, full-force and blinding in the little screen. Kyungsoo laughs at the familiarity of it-Chanyeol’s camera smile, which shows off at least 30 of his teeth and looks suspiciously close to a grimace-and the flash goes off. The timer starts again.
“Make a dumb face,” Chanyeol says, sticking out his tongue and scrunching up his nose. Kyungsoo panics, crosses his eyes just in time for the picture.
“Cute pose,” Chanyeol commands, bringing his fists up to his cheeks and pouting. Kyungsoo holds up a peace sign next to his temple and closes his eyes to avoid the evidence, gives his best, most angelic smile.
“Okay one nice one,” Chanyeol says, sitting back, smiling, waiting.
Kyungsoo grins, slings his arm around Chanyeol’s shoulders, and pulls him in close. Their cheeks press together just as the flash goes off.
“Oh,” Chanyeol says, pulling away slowly and smiling at the floor. “Haha.”
Kyungsoo retrieves their photos from the slot just outside the booth door. He looks dumb in all of them. But they’re cute.
He rips the last one off, slips it into Chanyeol’s jacket pocket. “For you to remember me by,” he says, nudging at Chanyeol’s toe with his own.
Chanyeol’s cheeks go strangely pink. “I’m gonna go get us a snack,” he says, and disappears to stand in line for popcorn.
The first half of the movie is...forgettable. It’s some meathead action film, and Kyungsoo would like it enough, if he weren’t preoccupied with a thousand other spinning thoughts. As it is, though, he’s busy overthinking everything that’s happened in the past few weeks, everything he’s said and everything Chanyeol’s done.
He reaches blindly into the bag of popcorn balanced between Chanyeol’s knees, and bumps into Chanyeol’s hand there, fingers tangling accidentally as they both try to grab a handful at the same time. Kyungsoo smiles a little, and then feels Chanyeol drag his fingertips significantly less accidentally up his palm before he retreats to make room for Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo’s whole body goes warm, and he snatches his handful of popcorn out, pretends not to have noticed. His mind is set spiraling all over again.
Eventually, the popcorn runs out, and Kyungsoo is left with oily hands and a head full of thoughts of...back row theatre makeouts, even though they’re not in the back row and they’re definitely not making out. Or about to make out. And he knows that, obviously, but he keeps thinking about it anyway, sitting back in his seat, pretending to pay attention. It’s dark, he figures. And loud. Chanyeol won’t notice if he’s the only one laughing.
Chanyeol’s hand bumps into his again, where Kyungsoo has his hands palm-up on his knees to avoid getting grease stains on his nice jeans. He flinches a little, then forcibly relaxes. And then it happens again. And again. Kyungsoo doesn’t even know what Chanyeol’s hands are doing this far over the barrier of the armrest between them.
And then Chanyeol’s gross, buttery fingertips drag over Kyungsoo’s palm again, and he lays his own down against it, letting his fingers fall through the gaps between Kyungsoo’s.
Kyungsoo’s breath hitches against his will, and he closes his fingers around Chanyeol’s hand instinctively, warm and oily and sweat-sticky. Chanyeol goes stiff beside him, and then relaxes, fidgets. Kyungsoo’s dumb heart beats way too quickly.
And then they’re...holding hands. In the middle row of the theatre. And it’s not quite back row makeouts, but- But. It’s something. Kyungsoo bites his lip and starts overanalyzing all over again, only much more optimistically.
The movie ends, and Chanyeol stands up, but doesn’t let go of Kyungsoo’s hand. Kyungsoo looks up at him, and Chanyeol looks quickly away.
Stomach squirming, Kyungsoo smiles, stands as well. They walk out like that, fingers still linked together. Kyungsoo decides this is worth not washing his hands.
“So,” Chanyeol says, head down as they walk down the street towards home. “That was a pretty good movie, right?”
Kyungsoo laughs a little, trying desperately to remember a single detail. “Yeah,” he says vaguely. “I liked the girl. That actress.”
“What girl?” Chanyeol says, blinking wide eyes down at him.
Kyungsoo cocks an incredulous eyebrow. “Were you even looking at the screen?”
Chanyeol’s ears go red, and he looks away. “Yeah, of course,” he mumbles.
Kyungsoo grins, tightens his fingers around Chanyeol’s. “So,” he says, swinging their hands gently between them. “Tell me about your job.”
“Oh.” Chanyeol shrugs, keeps his shoulders hunched. “It’s just, you know. Boring. I just ring up people’s purchases and stand behind the counter and stuff. Sometimes I can bring my homework there, and then I feel like I have to do it. And my coworker helps a little, sometimes.” He scratches the back of his neck with his free hand.
“That doesn’t sound too bad,” Kyungsoo says.
“No, it’s not. I mean, right now I’m kind of working a lot, like most days after school and on weekends and stuff, but it’s not bad.” They stop for a red light, and Chanyeol squeezes Kyungsoo’s hand and loosens his grip rhythmically. “It makes me feel good, too.”
“The job?”
Chanyeol shrugs. “Working. It. It makes me feel good because I’m...doing good things. And I know they’re good. And, I mean, it’s hard and tiring and it’s not fun but sometimes, like, my boss will tell me I’m doing a good job or I’m learning fast and that makes me feel really good. And he said he remembers me from when we were kids, you know, and he said that’s what made him hire me. And that made me feel really good, too. That he remembers me like that. When I was still good.”
“You’re still good now, Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo says softly, pulling him forward gently when the light turns green. “You were just having a bit of a rough time.”
Chanyeol huffs, shrugs.
Kyungsoo bumps their shoulders together. “I’m really happy for you, Yeol. I’m really glad that you’re...feeling good.”
Chanyeol tips his chin down, smiles at him. “Thanks, Soo,” he says quietly.
They take the long route home, and walk slow. Kyungsoo has exam review he should be doing, and probably about a hundred other things besides, but all of that is far in the back of his mind tonight. Right now it’s just him, and Chanyeol, and the cool evening breeze, and the ever-present lights of the city. They’re far from alone on the streets-no one’s ever alone in LA-but Kyungsoo doesn’t see anyone else. His entire world has narrowed down to the two of them, and the point of contact between their hands.
“Hey,” Chanyeol says, after a long stretch of comfortable silence. “You wanna stop here a bit?”
Kyungsoo lifts his head, sees the park they used to go to as kids, four blocks away from their houses. It’s empty now-it’s late on a school night, too late for kids to still be out playing-and it’s quiet. Private. Kyungsoo smiles. “Yeah, sure.”
They sit down side-by-side on the edge of the playground, feet swinging, shoulders brushing. Chanyeol lets go of Kyungsoo’s hand to dig something out of his jacket pocket, and Kyungsoo flexes his empty palm against his knee, feigning indifference.
“Hey,” Chanyeol says. “Um.”
Kyungsoo looks at him questioningly, and Chanyeol immediately looks away.
“I. I have something for you,” Chanyeol says to the woodchips beneath their feet.
“Oh,” Kyungsoo says. “Another thing?”
Chanyeol shrugs, pulls his phone from his pocket, unwraps his earbuds from around it. “Here,” he says, and leans over to slip them into Kyungsoo’s ears.
Kyungsoo blinks, holds perfectly still. “Shit,” he hears Chanyeol mutter as he fumbles, and then he jerks forward, presses his lips to Kyungsoo’s cheek quickly.
Kyungsoo doesn’t move, stunned by the kiss, however brief. “Shit,” he hears Chanyeol whisper again, “that was, I wasn’t going to-”
And then the sound starts, and Kyungsoo doesn’t hear anything else.
If I was your boyfriend,
I’d never let you go.
It’s a shitty recording on Chanyeol’s shitty, hand-me-down phone, one voice, one clumsily-played guitar. It’s not an amazing cover-Chanyeol’s singing voice is nice, but the quality is terrible and he obviously only knows how to play simple chords-but Kyungsoo would bet all his savings Chanyeol learned to play it by ear. And he changes all the feminine pronouns.
Kyungsoo ducks his head, bites his bottom lip so hard that he thinks he tastes blood. His heart crashes in his chest.
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go.
When he finally dares to look up again, Chanyeol has his hands over his cheeks, hunched over to rest his elbows on his thighs, and his ears are bright red where the tips stick out of his hair. Kyungsoo bites his tongue, lets himself grin a little. “Hey,” he says. “I’m done.”
Chanyeol’s eyes flick towards him, but he doesn’t move. “The videos helped,” he mumbles. “On the USB. So.”
“You’re good,” Kyungsoo says, heart fluttering, stomach twisting. “You won’t be singing much Justin Bieber when you get into college, though.”
Chanyeol huffs, sits up, scrubs his hands over his cheeks. Embarrassed, but also nervous.
Kyungsoo knows how he feels. “I,” he says, and then stops. He doesn’t know what to say, because there are so many things he wants to say but all the words seem wrong, not enough, too hard. They get stuck in his throat, get lost on his tongue.
So instead he reaches out, curls his fingers around the lapel of Chanyeol’s jacket. Tugs Chanyeol towards him, slowly, gently. Gives him time to pull back, if he wants to.
Chanyeol drops his hands, stares at Kyungsoo with wide, hopeful eyes. Kyungsoo smiles at him, sick with nerves, and pulls him a little closer.
He kisses Chanyeol softly, because it’s what Chanyeol deserves. He kisses him, because he is so bad at saying the right words, but maybe. Maybe he can do a hard thing instead.
The sound that Chanyeol makes is as heartbreaking as it is gratifying, soft and desperate and relieved, and Kyungsoo kisses it from his lips, presses his palm to Chanyeol’s jaw and feels everything click into place, even as everything in him kind of shatters. In a good way.
The thing is, he’s always kind of known, really, that he’s in love with Chanyeol. He didn’t notice it happening-didn’t notice the gradual evolution from childish, platonic love to this-but it’s always been there, even if he never acknowledged it. He’s not surprised.
What surprises him, instead, is the way his entire body feels shaky and hot and cold at the same time, and the way he kind of feels like crying. Kyungsoo’s not a crier. Especially not the kind who cries when he kisses someone for the first time. He’s not the kind of person who kisses the boy he’s been in love with for years and thinks cheesy things, like I think this is the happiest moment of my life. And I hope this is Chanyeol’s new happiest memory.
When he finally pulls away-lips lingering, eyelids fluttering-Chanyeol is breathing hard, and there’s moisture clinging to his eyelashes. Kyungsoo pretends not to notice.
“I’m not going anywhere, by the way,” he says-whispers, because it’s so quiet, and they’re still so close together. “I got into UCLA.”
Chanyeol blinks dumbly. “What?”
A smile pulls at Kyungsoo’s lips. “I got my acceptance letter yesterday. I’ll be commuting starting in the fall. It’s barely farther than my school right now.”
It seems to take a few seconds for that to register in Chanyeol’s brain. “Oh my god,” he says slowly. “Oh my god. Soo!”
Kyungsoo’s grin breaks out in full force across his face. “Yeah.”
Chanyeol’s hug is bone-crushing-familiar. He presses his face into the side of Kyungsoo’s head, and Kyungsoo laughs, hugs him back. And then he pulls away, tips his face up, catches Chanyeol’s chin with his lips.
Immediately, Chanyeol is tilting his head to kiss him full on the mouth, hard and quick, and then again, and again. His kisses are clumsy, a little bitey, but Kyungsoo doesn’t care, literally couldn’t fucking care less. He laughs, curls his fingers in the back of Chanyeol’s stupid purple jacket, and lifts one hand to scratch gently at the back of Chanyeol’s head. He nudges his face up into kiss after kiss, letting Chanyeol smooth his hair back from his forehead over and over, revelling in the quiet intimacy of it, the little thrills it all sends down Kyungsoo’s spine. He wants to shove his hand up under Chanyeol’s shirt, wants Chanyeol to touch him all over, hold him closer and tighter, but they’re outside, in public. That can wait for later.
For now, Kyungsoo pulls away from Chanyeol’s mouth, kisses him all over his face, on the apples of his cheeks and his chin and his nose and eyelids. “You’re. You’re so good,” he says, because he’s been kissed stupid and everything feels amazing. “I’m so happy that you’re doing better and feeling better but you’re always good and I. I’ve always- I always knew. Okay? Am I making sense?”
Chanyeol smiles, eyes closed, and Kyungsoo’s lips land half on his teeth. “No,” he says.
“I missed you,” Kyungsoo says, pressing his whole face into Chanyeol’s cheek. He has no idea what he’s doing. “Don’t make me miss you anymore.”
“I have a job now,” Chanyeol says as he wraps his arms around Kyungsoo’s shoulders, squeezing him tightly. “I’m a busy man.”
And that isn’t what Kyungsoo meant, and maybe Chanyeol knows that, but he lets it go, kisses Chanyeol’s cheek. “I’ll come visit you at work,” he promises.
Chanyeol smiles, catches his lips softly. “I’m really happy,” he whispers.
Kyungsoo hums, tips their foreheads together and just breathes. For the first time in a long time, everything feels...good. In a few months, everything is going to change again-they’ll both be out of high school, and Kyungsoo will be in college-but it doesn’t feel like an end to something. It feels more like a beginning.
He inhales, smiles. “Me too.”
🐶🎧🐶🎧🐶
Three days later, Chanyeol gets off work at 7pm, and Kyungsoo drags himself away from finals review to go with him to the dog park, Toben wiggling at their feet until Chanyeol picks him up.
It’s been...a good couple of days. Chanyeol’s been working, and Kyungsoo’s been stressing out over school, but they see each other in the evenings, even if only briefly. There have been furtive kisses through open windows. It’s been nice.
Jongin and Sehun are already at the park when they arrive, standing around with their ripped jeans and slouched shoulders like scrawny thugs while their yappy little dogs chasing each other around in dizzying circles. Immediately, Toben flings himself out of Chanyeol’s arms to run after them, barking madly.
“Monggyu is literally obsessed with kibble,” Jongin is saying as they approach, hands deep in the pockets of his leather jacket. “I have no idea why. It has so much trash in it. I’d like to feed him something else, but dry kibble is cheapest, so…”
“Yeah, ugh,” Sehun says, pulling the hood of his sweater up over his snapback. “I mean, ideally, I’d feed Vivi at least part raw, but…”
“Ideal,” Jongin agrees, nodding emphatically. “Did you watch that video I sent you of the YouTuber who feeds her pets an all-raw diet?”
“Yeah, fuck, that girl’s got it made,” Sehun sighs. “I’d want to do a little research first before trying it myself though.”
Jongin nods, and then looks up when Monggyu yelps at a passing Golden Retriever, finally sees Chanyeol and Kyungsoo approaching. “Oh, hey!”
Busy trying to process whatever he just heard, Kyungsoo lifts a hand in a vague greeting, and Chanyeol beams and says, “Hey guys!”
“Welcome back to the crew, Soo,” Sehun says, inclining his head in a condescending sort of nod.
Kyungsoo snorts. “Thanks, brat.”
“So anyway,” Jongin says, turning to Chanyeol. “What are you feeding Toben now, Chanyeol?”
Kyungsoo shakes his head, stands back to watch and listen, half-amused, half-uncertain what he’s supposed to do. Jongin and Sehun barely even look at him, don’t say a word about why he’s here when he’s never come to their doggy dates before. Kyungsoo has no idea how much Chanyeol told his friends about...them. If he warned them ahead of time that Kyungsoo would be coming, and if he said why, if he said Kyungsoo’s coming to hang out or if he said we’re dating now.
Kyungsoo doesn’t even know if they’re dating now. If that’s a word Chanyeol would use. He confessed, more or less, with a song literally titled Boyfriend, but he’s never actually said the word outside of the cover. And Kyungsoo sure as hell hasn’t, either.
Admittedly, playing with a bunch of dogs isn’t really Kyungsoo’s idea of an ideal date. Or just...an ideal evening, period. He’s never owned pets, and never knows how to act around them, and definitely doesn’t know how to play with them. He mostly just tries to stay out of the way, avoids stepping on any furry, wiggly bodies, watches Chanyeol grin and throw rubber balls across the grass. He watches Chanyeol crack jokes and laugh at the dogs’ antics.
It’s not ideal, but it’s...nice. Seeing Chanyeol look so carefree, and all that. It’s also been years since Kyungsoo spent much time with Jongin and Sehun, and although he knows they’re enablers when it comes to Chanyeol’s delinquency, he also knows Chanyeol likes spending time with them. And that makes them mostly alright in Kyungsoo’s books.
“Kyungsoo!” Chanyeol calls. “Why don’t you play with Toben a little? The bigger dogs are bullying him.”
“They are not!” Jongin protests immediately.
“Jonginnie’s dog is too lazy to bully anyone,” Sehun snickers, throwing a little chew toy for Vivi.
The boys argue back and forth about their dogs, and Kyungsoo laughs, shakes his head. “I’m fine over here,” he says, moving to a bench a stone’s throw away, next to a skinny tree. “Trust me, Toben doesn’t want to play with me.”
“Oh,” Chanyeol says, pouting a little. “Well, if you’re sure-”
“I don’t mind just watching,” Kyungsoo assures him with a smile. “It’s kind of nice.”
Chanyeol frowns, and then shrugs. “Okay,” he says, and turns back to playing tug-of-war with Monggyu.
“So now that you’re a good working boy, we can only get our dog things at your store, huh Yeol?” Sehun says, wrestling the toy back out of his dog’s mouth. “Buy, I mean. I’m not going to steal from your store.”
“No stealing from any store,” Kyungsoo says, shaking his finger warningly.
Sehun rolls his eyes dramatically. “Yeah, yeah. I can lecture myself, thanks.”
Kyungsoo snorts, leans back in his seat. “If you two get Chanyeol in trouble, I’ll kick your asses.”
“You won’t be around,” Sehun sniffs. “Only Chanyeol is sticking around after you guys graduate.”
“I’m not going that far,” Kyungsoo says, mock threatening. “And besides, Chanyeol won’t be working there forever. Soon he’ll be joining me.”
“In college?” Jongin says, looking up from where he’s rubbing Toben’s belly. He glances at Chanyeol. “I thought you didn’t want to go to college.”
Chanyeol ducks his head, shrugs. “I said I didn’t know,” he says quietly, his voice nearly getting lost in the sound of a dozen dogs barking from around the park.
Kyungsoo blinks at him. “You didn’t tell me that.”
Chanyeol shakes his head, waves him away. Kyungsoo frowns.
At the same time, Sehun and Jongin look at each other across the park lawn, and then at Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo has no idea what’s going on.
Fifteen minutes of bizarre dog games later, Sehun wanders over to Kyungsoo’s bench while Chanyeol and Jongin go to mediate a meeting between the puppies and a massive Great Dane, and sits down beside him under the pretense of searching for something in his backpack. “Hey,” he says without looking at Kyungsoo, “uh, I get that you’re trying to make Chanyeol a good person and stuff, but how about you maybe try to make him feel good about himself? And make him happy?”
Kyungsoo’s jaw drops. “What?”
“Just an idea, I dunno,” Sehun says dryly, tugging a little package of treats out of a side pocket.
“No, what do you mean?” Kyungsoo says, frowning. “That’s what I’m doing.”
“Dude,” Sehun scoffs. “You’re not. Like it’s cool that you’re boyfriends and stuff now but maybe stop making him feel bad?”
Kyungsoo’s stomach turns uncomfortably. “I don’t know what you mean.”
Sehun just shakes his head. “And maybe pet his dog once in a while, asshole.”
“What?” Kyungsoo says, at the same time that Chanyeol yells, “Hey, dickface! Your dog is making a break for it!”
“Oh, shit,” Sehun says, bolting from the bench to catch Vivi before he wanders too far.
Kyungsoo spends the rest of their time at the park trying to figure out what Sehun meant. And also reeling from the fact that Sehun called them boyfriends-either that Chanyeol told him that, or that he just made that assumption-but mostly just. Feeling confused. And concerned.
He doesn’t know what he did wrong.
By the time the sun starts setting and the two of them start home with Toben back on his leash, Kyungsoo has half convinced himself that he imagined everything Sehun said to him on the bench. Chanyeol doesn’t look unhappy. He’s smiling, and chattering mindlessly, and holding Kyungsoo’s hand. He doesn’t look like Kyungsoo makes him feel bad.
And then Toben runs between his legs while they’re waiting at a stoplight, twists his leash around Kyungsoo’s ankles, and Chanyeol practically chokes the poor thing trying to snatch him away. “I’m sorry,” he says, attempting to unwrap the leash hastily. “Sorry, sorry-”
And Kyungsoo thinks of Sehun saying pet his dog once in a while. He frowns, bends down to pick Toben up and scratch at his soft belly. “It’s fine, Chanyeol,” he says. “I don’t mind.”
“Oh.” Chanyeol blinks, smiles like Kyungsoo has given him some sort of gift. “Thanks.”
And Kyungsoo thinks, shit. He still doesn’t know what the hell Sehun was talking about, but this. If he was right about this...maybe he was right about everything else, too.
Kyungsoo feels sick at the thought of it.
They head straight to Chanyeol’s house from there, even though it’s late and Kyungsoo has so many things he should be doing, sleep he should be catching up on. But instead, he tries to smile at Chanyeol as he turns on some music, joins him on his bed, curling up and tucking himself up against him.
It’s something they’ve done a hundred times before-spent the evening listening to music in Chanyeol’s room together. It’s the same way they spent half of their childhood together, only now Kyungsoo’s head is tucked under Chanyeol’s chin, and their legs are tangled together on his blankets, and Kyungsoo’s lips are resting against the skin of Chanyeol’s throat, feeling the vibrations when Chanyeol sings along quietly.
He listens to Chanyeol breathe for a few minutes, stomach turning, and then he takes a steadying breath and says, “Do I make you unhappy?”
For a second, Chanyeol doesn’t respond. His body tenses up, though, and eventually he just says, “What?”
Kyungsoo swallows thickly. “Do I...make you feel unhappy?”
There’s a single, horrible beat of silence before Chanyeol says, “...No.”
Kyungsoo squeezes his eyes shut. “I want to believe you,” he whispers, “but I feel like you’re lying. And you never lie to me.”
“I’m not lying!” Chanyeol says quickly. Kyungsoo can feel his pulse fluttering wildly in his throat. “I’m happy that you’re here. With me.”
Kyungsoo shakes his head slightly. “Sehun said that I make you unhappy. And Jongin said you told them you don’t want to go to college. But you didn’t tell me.”
This time, the silence is longer, stretches into heavy seconds that curl around Kyungsoo’s gut, pull tight. And then Chanyeol says, voice soft, “Sometimes it’s hard to tell you the truth.”
Kyungsoo exhales painfully, scratching his fingertips gently over Chanyeol’s back through the fabric of his shirt. “Why?”
Chanyeol puffs warm air against the top of his head. “The truth is hard to say when the truth is that you’re never good enough,” he whispers.
“What?” Kyungsoo pulls his head back from under Chanyeol’s chin, tries to look at him as Chanyeol averts his gaze. “Yeol, no.”
Chanyeol swallows audibly. “This is the first time I’ve ever been anything other than complete shit. And now I’m just...still shit, only with a job.”
“Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo says, horrified.
“And sometimes it’s just hard to talk to you,” Chanyeol says, face growing redder, eyes blinking hard. “Because I know that everything I say will just make you feel disappointed again. And then you’ll tell me all these big things you want me to do, and I know I should do them, but sometimes they just make me want to die.”
“Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo whispers, pressing a hand to his cheek. “You know I just want you to be happy.”
“I know,” Chanyeol says, turning his face away, into his pillow. “But what if I can’t do all the things you want me to do? You want to date me now, because I did literally the easiest thing on your list, but what about when I can’t do any of the other things?”
Kyungsoo shakes his head, halfway stunned by all the things wrong with what Chanyeol is saying. “God, I fucked up,” he mutters.
“No, I-” Chanyeol starts to say.
“No, Chanyeol, listen,” Kyungsoo says, ribs tight around his lungs. “First of all, you getting a job was not the easiest thing on my list. That was a hard fucking thing, and I am so fucking proud of you for doing it.”
Chanyeol scoffs wetly. “Getting a job was just...like, if you can’t go to college because you’re so poor and your grades are so shitty, you can do this instead, for now, I guess.”
“That is not what I meant,” Kyungsoo says, pushing himself up on his elbow to look down at him. “Chanyeol, you don’t even have to go to college. Ever. And my word isn’t law. I want you to go to college, because I want you to be able to do something that makes you happy, and I think there are some things in college that would make that easier for you. But you really, really don’t have to. If you can’t, or even if you just don’t want to. That’s okay. That’s so fucking okay.”
He smooths Chanyeol’s hair back from his forehead, tries and fails to get Chanyeol to look at him. “All I want is for you to be happy. And honestly, if working at a corner store for the rest of your life makes you happy, then I would be perfectly satisfied with you doing that. But if you want something more than that, and it’s attainable, then of course I’m going to want you to do that instead. I’m not saying you have to be a famous music producer or something, I’m not saying you have to graduate college top of your class, and I’m not even saying you have to fulfill your biggest dreams, because sometimes you just can’t. But I don’t want you to be scared of trying. And I really don’t want you to keep doing dumb, illegal shit, because even if it didn’t get you in trouble, it makes you feel shitty, and I want you to feel good.”
By the time Chanyeol finally looks at Kyungsoo again, there are shiny tears leaking from the corners of his eyes. “You’re the only one who ever expects something of me,” he says, voice wobbly. “And that’s-I need that. For you to expect something of me. But it’s so hard sometimes. Because I don’t know if I can do anything.”
“You can,” Kyungsoo whispers, wiping moisture from under Chanyeol’s eyes with his thumbs. “You already have. Look at you getting a job. And look at you learning the guitar! Yeol, you’re doing amazing.”
“The guitar is really fucking hard,” Chanyeol mumbles. “I stayed up all night learning and recording that cover for you.”
Kyungsoo blinks, feels his chest squeeze painfully. “Okay, Yeol-you can and should push yourself, but you don’t need to kill yourself doing it. I want you to try things and I want you to do things that make you happy, like learn music-I really want you to learn music-but you’re allowed to...go slow. I want you to do hard things, but they don’t have to be big things. They can be little things. And you can fail. Okay? You can fail and try again and you can fail a hundred times but at least you’ll be trying.”
“It’s hard,” Chanyeol says, sniffs. “And scary.”
“I know,” Kyungsoo says. He leans down, kisses Chanyeol softly. “I’m sorry.”
Chanyeol huffs against his mouth, pulls away. “Sorry for what?”
“No, no, you don’t get to say I didn’t do anything wrong,” Kyungsoo says immediately, shaking his head, clutching at Chanyeol’s shirt. “I did, I- I’m sorry. Sehun said I make you feel bad, and I didn’t know what he meant, but he’s right. I don’t mean to make you feel bad. Or, I mean, I do-because I want you to change. But that’s shitty of me. Wanting to make you feel bad. Chanyeol, I’m sorry.”
Chanyeol shakes his head, and then whispers, “It does make me feel a little bad when you hate my dog.”
“Oh, god,” Kyungsoo groans, closing his eyes. “I don’t hate your dog, Yeol. I really don’t. I might not be...100% a dog person, but I absolutely do not hate your dog. I’m sorry I didn’t...make that clearer.”
Chanyeol’s shoulders twitch up in a shrug. “It’s just. My dog doesn’t care that I’m...dumb, or bad. He doesn’t care that I’m always fucking up.”
Kyungsoo sighs, lies down against Chanyeol’s pillow again, touches their foreheads together gently. “The one who’s always fucking up is me, clearly.”
“No,” Chanyeol whispers.
“I’m gonna fuck up some more,” Kyungsoo says. “I am. Because I always say the wrong words and sometimes I don’t even know it and I...get sensitive about weird things, like you not wearing nice clothes to our movie date. And I get angry sometimes because I’m scared and worried and I might take that out on you and make you feel shitty. I don’t do it on purpose and I would never try to hurt you but it’s likely that I will, sometimes. I’m gonna fuck up, Yeol. And so are you, probably. We’re both gonna fuck up. Because that’s what you do when you’re a person. But I don’t want you to think that I’m going to, like...decide to stop dating you because of something like that. And I especially don’t want you to think I’m the only one with any say or power between us. Because that would be super messed up.” He pulls away again, just a little, and rubs his thumbs over Chanyeol’s warm cheeks. “So let’s just try to work things out together, okay? And try to be...honest. And use our words.” He quirks his lips in a small smile.
Chanyeol blinks at him slowly. “You were mad that I didn’t wear nice clothes to our movie date?”
Kyungsoo has to laugh, cheeks warming with embarrassment. “It was stupid. Forget I said that.”
“I panicked,” Chanyeol says. “I think I screamed out loud. All my clothes are ugly and not date-worthy and I didn’t want to look too try-hard.”
Kyungsoo grins, kisses him quickly because he can’t help it. “I feel extra stupid now. Erase it from our relationship history. Agree to my terms about working together and shit.”
Chanyeol sighs, ducks forward for another kiss, longer and sweeter. “It’s going to be hard.”
“You’re telling me,” Kyungsoo mumbles, nosing along Chanyeol’s jaw. “I’m the worst at using my words.”
“You were doing fine just now.” Chanyeol’s hand slips under the hem of Kyungsoo’s shirt, rubs tiny circles into his hip. It makes Kyungsoo feel warm all over.
“I got all worked up,” Kyungsoo says. “Usually I’m more emotionally repressed.”
Chanyeol chuckles, closes his eyes. “You’re emotionally repressed and I’m a crybaby. A good pair.”
“We are a good pair,” Kyungsoo says softly. “And that’s why I’m going to work on being...better for you.”
“And I’m just going to work on being...better.”
Kyungsoo smiles, presses their mouths together indulgently, pulls himself tight against the length of Chanyeol’s body. And then he laughs as Toben jumps onto the bed to wiggle his body between them, reaches down to scratch his curly black ears. Chanyeol kisses his cheek, and Kyungsoo inhales. “One step at a time.”
A/N: AYOOOO GUESS WHO'S BACK. Just for this lil fic, since it's technically a collab-type thing ^^ This fic really got away from me (it was supposed to be silly and cute?? what??) but yeah idk I had a lot of fun writing it. I hope u all like it uwu.
DON'T FORGET TO CHECK OUT THE ART INSPIRATION I LINKED AT THE BEGINNING. actually here it is again now. LOOK AT IT.
Alright that's all, bye, I love you.
Four days later, Kyungsoo finally manages to get himself away from his homework and across the shared lawn to Chanyeol’s window. It’s late-already dark-but there’s light coming through the blinds, and Kyungsoo grins, fishing a USB stick out of his pocket. He spent all weekend searching up and downloading different Guitar for Beginners videos from YouTube, knowing they’d probably be way more useful to Chanyeol than words and pictures on a page.
He’s just about to knock on the glass when he hears a harsh chord of music spill through the half-open window, awkward and grating. There’s an annoyed huff of sound, and then another chord, and another. Kyungsoo listens, and smiles. They’re far from perfect-Kyungsoo has serious doubts about the tuning of the guitar-but they’re stubborn. They’re real and crashing into the world. Progress.
“Knock knock,” he says, rapping his knuckles against the glass. The chords stop abruptly, and Chanyeol pulls up the blinds a second later.
He’s not smiling. “What do you want,” he says gruffly, shoulders hunched, Toben yapping in the background.
Kyungsoo blinks. “I came to give you something.”
Chanyeol grimaces. “Another thing? Already?”
Kyungsoo is so surprised by his tone that he doesn’t know what to say for a moment. “I- Can I come in?”
Chanyeol sighs, shrugs. Opens the window farther and steps aside.
By the time Kyungsoo has climbed through, Chanyeol’s shoulders have relaxed. “Sorry,” he says, head down, embarrassed now. “I’m just. I was...practicing.”
“I could tell,” Kyungsoo says carefully, looking him over. Chanyeol looks tired, drawn a little thin, but there are no new cuts or bruises. At least not where Kyungsoo can see. The guitar’s lying across his bed, set aside carefully. “How’s it going?”
Chanyeol makes a vague sound, sits down on the edge of his bed. His hands rest on his knees, palms up, and Kyungsoo can see the reddened tips of his fingers. “It’s shit,” he says. “I’m. I don’t want to do it anymore.”
Kyungsoo frowns. “Why not? You love music. You’ve always said you want to learn.”
Chanyeol sighs, harsh and frustrated. “It’s hard. Nothing sounds right and my fingers hurt and I’m not getting anywhere. And it doesn’t matter anyway. It’s too late for me to get into college now. My grades are shit and it’s not like I’d pass a test for a music program and it’s just-it’s so fucking hard. I don’t want to do it anymore.”
“Yeol,” Kyungsoo says, crossing his arms over his chest. “You don’t have to go straight into college after high school. You know that, right?”
Chanyeol lifts his head, blinks up at him. “Well what would I do instead?”
“I dunno, get a job? Save up some money? Work on turning your life around?” Kyungsoo suggests.
Chanyeol growls, pushing his hand through his hair. “But that sounds hard.”
“Life is hard, Chanyeol!” Kyungsoo says, throwing his hands in the air. Chanyeol stares at him, wide-eyed, and Kyungsoo sighs, lowers his voice. “Life is hard. Getting into a music school on scholarship was hard. Figuring out a way to get out of this shitty neighbourhood was hard. Right now, being your friend is hard. But you do hard things sometimes, okay? You do hard things if you care about them.”
Chanyeol’s jaw twitches, and he looks away again, looks up at the ceiling and doesn’t say anything.
Kyungsoo clenches his fists, takes a deep breath. Wonders how many wrong things he just said. What he all made worse this time.
He says, “I know it’s hard. I know. But I want you to keep trying.” He fishes the USB out of his pocket, sets it down on the bed beside Chanyeol. “Try these. I think they might help.”
Chanyeol shrugs, doesn’t look at him. And the thing is, Kyungsoo doesn’t even blame him. “Hey,” he says, voice coming out a little hoarse. Chanyeol’s chin jerks in his direction, but he doesn’t turn. “Chanyeol. I’m. Look.” He sighs, tries to find the right words. “Yeol, I’m...proud of you. For trying. Okay? I really am proud of you.”
Chanyeol’s throat bobs. “I’m not even accomplishing anything.”
“I know, Yeol, but you’re trying. You’re always trying. And I-I know it’s hard. To try. But you always try anyway.” Kyungsoo curls his fingers tighter, forces his voice past the lump in his throat. “And I’m sorry that I’m always just...yelling at you, and making you feel like shit. I don’t want you to always feel like shit around me. So. I’m sorry. And I don’t think you’re shit.” Chanyeol’s shoulders twitch up in a shrug, and Kyungsoo shakes his head. “I don’t. You’re not. I’m always getting angry and saying shitty things to you because I’m frustrated and tired and worried but I don’t. I think you’re awesome, okay? I get angry because I know what you’re really like and I see you acting stupid but I know that you’re-you’re an awesome person. And you’re brilliant. And you’re my best friend, and I’m really glad you’re my best friend. And you’re important to me. Which is why I yell, but I’m sorry. And.” He swallows thickly. “I love you, okay?”
Chanyeol turns, finally, stares at him.
Kyungsoo looks away, rubs a hand through his hair. “You’re. You’re my best friend. I gotta go study for finals, but I wanted you to know, okay. That I’m proud of you, and I’m really happy that you’re trying, and that I...love you. And. Yeah.”
Chanyeol doesn’t say anything-just stares, like he doesn’t quite understand what Kyungsoo is saying-and honestly, Kyungsoo barely knows, either-and then Kyungsoo jerks his thumb over his shoulder, starts shuffling back towards the window. “I should go now. Keep practicing, okay?”
“Okay,” Chanyeol says quietly.
Kyungsoo nods, warm-cheeked, and then climbs back out the window and hurries home.
🐶🎧🐶🎧🐶
After the required puppy walk, Kyungsoo doesn't see Chanyeol for two solid weeks.
It's not really his or Chanyeol's fault, he doesn't think. Final projects are all suddenly due all at the same time, and Kyungsoo is up to his neck in preparations for his own graduation, the end of his high school career. Practice sessions and studying and extra scholarship applications and making sure his grades are high enough to get those scholarships. He can't be blamed-he's pretty sure-for not really having time to check on Chanyeol every single night.
And the thing is, every time he does check on Chanyeol, he's not home. His bedroom lights aren't on, and no one answers when he knocks on the glass.
It's...worrisome. Kyungsoo is worried. But he doesn't have time to be worried. He's already so busy worrying about himself. And Chanyeol is an adult.
At least that's what Jongdae keeps telling him, whenever Kyungsoo spaces out in the middle of practices, or gets caught sighing about nothing.
"I get that you're concerned about him," Jongdae says, while Baekhyun stays silent because he knows Kyungsoo is much more likely to beat him up for saying something out of line. "But you won't always have time to bail him out or whatever. He can't always have people-have you-picking him up and dusting him off. I'm not saying that he should never have help. Okay? But if he's not capable of staying out of trouble without your constant supervision... You know? Maybe he needs more help than just yours."
Kyungsoo huffs out a frustrated breath, drags his fingers through his hair. "But I don't even know what's going on with him. Usually, if he's getting into trouble, he comes to me. But he's not doing that right now. He's just...not around."
"Is that a good sign or a bad sign?" Baekhyun asks.
Kyungsoo shrugs morosely, dotting his pen in the margins of his paper. "I don't know. But I'm worried it's bad. Worse than usual. I'm worried I said something so wrong that he won't even come to me if something happened."
Jongdae and Baekhyun glance at each other, and then shrug. "Text him?" Jongdae suggests.
"Tried it," Kyungsoo mutters. "He's being evasive."
"Sounds bad," Baekhyun sighs. "Ask his parents?"
"I don't want to say anything in case he gets in more trouble," Kyungsoo admits. "He doesn't need the added stress."
"Or maybe he does?" Jongdae says uncertainly. "Like. Maybe he needs to get in trouble. Real trouble. In order for him to stop."
Kyungsoo sighs heavily. "I don't know," he says. "I don't know what's best at this point."
He finishes up his part of their joint project, packs up his things, catches the bus home before Baekhyun. He loops around to the backyard, peeks into Chanyeol's window.
It's dark. He knocks gently, but no one answers. He sighs, goes back inside to curl up on his bed.
He's half-asleep-still in his clothes on top of his comforter-when someone knocks on his window. He sits up, frowns, rubs his eyes.
"Chanyeol?" he says when he pulls up the blinds, surprised even though he knows, logically, that it's highly unlikely to be anyone else.
Chanyeol stands on the other side of the glass with hunched shoulders and his hands clasped behind his back like a naughty schoolboy. "Hi," he says quietly. "Did I wake you?"
Kyungsoo blinks hard and shakes his head, forcing himself not to yawn as he pries off the screen over his window. "No. Hey. What's up?"
Immediately, Chanyeol shakes his head, takes a step back. "Oh, no, I'm not coming in."
"Oh," Kyungsoo says, fingers locked around the screen. "Why not?"
Chanyeol just shakes his head again. "I. I only came to. Give you this." He takes his hands out from behind his back, holds out a little parcel wrapped messily in newspaper.
Kyungsoo's immediate, visceral reaction is anger. "What's this?" he snaps, reaching through the open window to snatch it from Chanyeol's hand. "Yeol, what the fuck?"
Chanyeol's throat bobs in the light coming through Kyungsoo's window. "I," he says quietly. "I bought that for you."
Kyungsoo freezes. Chanyeol does dumb shit-does so much fucking dumb shit-but he never lies. Not to Kyungsoo. "You bought it?"
Jerkily, Chanyeol nods.
Kyungsoo's fingers curl around the edge of the gift. "With- How?"
Chanyeol shuffles his feet, scratches the back of his neck nervously. "I." He stops, toes at the weeds under his feet. "I...got a job."
For a second, Kyungsoo doesn't even know what to say. The cool night air blows in through his window, and crickets chirp in the grass, filling the uncomfortably long silence before he manages to say, "You did?"
Chanyeol nods, apparently at a loss for words as much as Kyungsoo is.
Kyungsoo blinks. "Where?"
A tiny smile quirks at the corner of Chanyeol's lips, shy and uncertain. "The...corner store."
"Our corner store?" Kyungsoo asks incredulously.
Chanyeol's shoulders hunch. "Yeah."
"The corner store you shoplifted from?"
Chanyeol tugs his zipper up and down nervously. "Um. Yeah."
Kyungsoo lets out a loud, disbelieving laugh, a little too overwhelmed from emotional whiplash to respond like he normally would. "They hired you there? Damn, Yeol. I can't believe they gave you a second chance."
"Yeah," Chanyeol whispers, ducking his head.
"Hey," Kyungsoo says immediately, reaching out for him even though Chanyeol is too far to touch. "Hey. I'm happy. I'm-really fucking happy, Chanyeol.”
Chanyeol looks up at him again, eyes wide and a little shiny. “You are?”
“Of course I am,” Kyungsoo says, chest squeezing. “This. This is a good thing. I'm so happy about this." He pauses, and then adds, "I just can't believe you were brave enough to ask them."
"Well," Chanyeol says, shuffling his feet again. "I just figured. If they were willing to give me another chance, then...maybe you would too."
Kyungsoo's heart stutters a little in his chest. Damn this boy, and his huge goddamn puppy eyes. No wonder he got that job despite his reputation there. He's a goddamn angel, when he's not actively fucking up. "So," he says gruffly, embarrassed. "Am I supposed to open this, or...?"
Chanyeol blinks. "Oh, yeah! Um. It's a gift. I guess."
Kyungsoo chews on his lip, peels the newspaper back messily to reveal...a little dangly keychain, with a huge sun wearing sunglasses over a sandy beach, and the words Cali Girl in curly writing across the bottom. Kyungsoo laughs helplessly, shakes his head, hates how tight his throat feels. "Wow, Park. Don't get too creative with your gifts."
Chanyeol huffs, twists his hands in the hem of his jacket. "It's a-a souvenir. Something to remember me by, you know. When you go away to college."
Kyungsoo's ribs tighten around his lungs. "Oh," he says, swallowing thickly. Suddenly, his giddy joy at Chanyeol having found a job-a real job-is mixed in with...something else. Something much more complex. "I'll be sure to put it on my backpack so everyone can see."
"You don't have to do that," Chanyeol says quickly.
"No," Kyungsoo says. "I really do."
A smile tugs at Chanyeol's lips, and he looks away. "Hey, Soo," he says softly.
"Hmm?"
Chanyeol takes another step away from the window-away from Kyungsoo. "I. I'd like to take you somewhere."
Kyungsoo blinks, frowns. "What do you mean? Right now?"
"No, I mean." Chanyeol clears his throat uncomfortably. "I mean sometime. I'd like to take you somewhere. Like. To a restaurant, or to the movies, or..."
Kyungsoo's heart thumps against his ribs. "Why?"
Chanyeol shuffles a little farther away. "I just. I want to."
"Yeol," Kyungsoo says, blood rushing in his ears. "Why?"
"Because you're leaving soon." Chanyeol's throat bobs. "And I want to. I want to be with...you. Until then. I know I'm still not good and I'm, I'm going to make more mistakes but. I want to spend time with you."
Something in Kyungsoo's head whispers oh, god. And part of him thinks he must, he must be misinterpreting this. But the other part thinks he might die if he is. If Chanyeol isn't...asking what Kyungsoo thinks he's asking. He’s never even really, really thought about this before, anything like this, but suddenly, he...is very much thinking about it. At very high speeds. "Okay," he croaks. "Sure. I like movies."
"Okay," Chanyeol says, still from five feet away. "Can we go on Tuesday, maybe? It's matinée."
"Sure," Kyungsoo says, even though he has no idea what his schedule looks like. His heart is beating too loudly for him to think that rationally. "I can pay for my own ticket though."
Immediately, Chanyeol shakes his head. "No. I want to. You've...you've given me a lot already. And I...want to."
Kyungsoo hesitates, chews on his lip. And then he says, "Okay. Tuesday. You're paying."
Chanyeol flashes him a smile so bright it makes Kyungsoo's knees a little weak. "Okay," he says, weirdly breathless. "See you then."
And then he runs-literally runs away-back home, to his own side of the house, where Kyungsoo watches him dart through the back door, and then a second later slam his bedroom window shut. Like he's so embarrassed that he can't risk Kyungsoo catching a glimpse of him through the glass.
Kyungsoo grins, cheeks hot, and closes his own window much more gently.
"It's a date," he says quietly, just to himself. And then, "I think."
🐶🎧🐶🎧🐶
Kyungsoo has no idea why he subconsciously stakes so much on what Chanyeol wears to take him on their...movie date thing, but when his best friend shows up at his window in the same ripped jeans and huge purple jacket as always, he really. He feels something suspiciously like despair.
Same old clothes. Nothing special. He obviously didn’t spend an hour scouring his entire closet for the perfect I’m-not-trying-to-look-good-for-you-I-just-do outfit.
Not that Chanyeol doesn’t look good. Because his face is still...annoyingly handsome. But it’s the principle of the matter.
“Hey,” Kyungsoo says, forcing a smile.
“Hi,” Chanyeol says, fidgeting on the other side of the glass. “Ready to go?”
“Yeah. I was just going to. Change. Into something else.” Kyungsoo tugs his shirt a little bitterly over his head, pulls on the same t-shirt he wore to school that day.
“Oh. Okay,” Chanyeol says. “You looked nice, though. I mean, you still look nice. Also.”
Kyungsoo feels his face flush embarrassedly, and he shrugs, flattens his bangs over his forehead. “Thanks,” he says awkwardly. “So are we gonna go? Also, you could have come through the door, you know. We have a door.”
“I know,” Chanyeol says. “But I like coming to the window. Everything feels more exciting if you climb through a window.”
Kyungsoo snorts, shoving his feet into a pair of high-tops from his closet. “We’re just going to the movies, Yeol. It’s not that exciting.”
Chanyeol’s lips press together in a tiny frown, just for a moment, and then he says, “I mean, I know. But still.”
Kyungsoo turns away under the pretense of making sure he hasn’t forgotten anything, and squeezes his eyes shut briefly. Shit. He said a bunch of wrong things again.
“Okay,” he says, trying to keep his voice light. “Let’s go!”
Chanyeol flashes him a smile in response, but it’s not as bright as it should be. Kyungsoo fucked up.
Their walk to the movie theatre is...not quite uncomfortable, but it’s weird. There’s obviously something not quite right hanging between them, and Kyungsoo knows it’s his fault. He...he thought this was something it wasn’t, probably, and now he’s acting stupid and Chanyeol probably doesn’t know what’s going on and honestly, Kyungsoo should have just...said something. Used his words, maybe. But he never knows how to do that. Every time he tries, he just makes things worse.
But then they get there, and Chanyeol suddenly looks so fucking happy, paying for their tickets with his own money, holding them up proudly for an employee who has probably caught him sneaking in here-probably with his dog, too-in the past.
He looks so happy, and Kyungsoo doesn’t get to make this shitty for him. Not today. He won’t do that to Chanyeol.
“Hey,” he says, tugging on Chanyeol’s elbow as he heads for the line to get into the cinema. “Hey. Do you want to get some photobooth stickers, maybe? On me.”
Chanyeol blinks at him. “I can pay,” he says immediately.
“No, not for this,” Kyungsoo says, quirking a smile at him. “This is for me, so I’ll pay.”
A minute later, they’re sitting in the theatre’s dingy little photobooth, pressed close together on the narrow bench in front of the camera. Kyungsoo clicks through the options, and the timer counts down from 3.
Instantly, Chanyeol’s 1000-watt grin is out, full-force and blinding in the little screen. Kyungsoo laughs at the familiarity of it-Chanyeol’s camera smile, which shows off at least 30 of his teeth and looks suspiciously close to a grimace-and the flash goes off. The timer starts again.
“Make a dumb face,” Chanyeol says, sticking out his tongue and scrunching up his nose. Kyungsoo panics, crosses his eyes just in time for the picture.
“Cute pose,” Chanyeol commands, bringing his fists up to his cheeks and pouting. Kyungsoo holds up a peace sign next to his temple and closes his eyes to avoid the evidence, gives his best, most angelic smile.
“Okay one nice one,” Chanyeol says, sitting back, smiling, waiting.
Kyungsoo grins, slings his arm around Chanyeol’s shoulders, and pulls him in close. Their cheeks press together just as the flash goes off.
“Oh,” Chanyeol says, pulling away slowly and smiling at the floor. “Haha.”
Kyungsoo retrieves their photos from the slot just outside the booth door. He looks dumb in all of them. But they’re cute.
He rips the last one off, slips it into Chanyeol’s jacket pocket. “For you to remember me by,” he says, nudging at Chanyeol’s toe with his own.
Chanyeol’s cheeks go strangely pink. “I’m gonna go get us a snack,” he says, and disappears to stand in line for popcorn.
The first half of the movie is...forgettable. It’s some meathead action film, and Kyungsoo would like it enough, if he weren’t preoccupied with a thousand other spinning thoughts. As it is, though, he’s busy overthinking everything that’s happened in the past few weeks, everything he’s said and everything Chanyeol’s done.
He reaches blindly into the bag of popcorn balanced between Chanyeol’s knees, and bumps into Chanyeol’s hand there, fingers tangling accidentally as they both try to grab a handful at the same time. Kyungsoo smiles a little, and then feels Chanyeol drag his fingertips significantly less accidentally up his palm before he retreats to make room for Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo’s whole body goes warm, and he snatches his handful of popcorn out, pretends not to have noticed. His mind is set spiraling all over again.
Eventually, the popcorn runs out, and Kyungsoo is left with oily hands and a head full of thoughts of...back row theatre makeouts, even though they’re not in the back row and they’re definitely not making out. Or about to make out. And he knows that, obviously, but he keeps thinking about it anyway, sitting back in his seat, pretending to pay attention. It’s dark, he figures. And loud. Chanyeol won’t notice if he’s the only one laughing.
Chanyeol’s hand bumps into his again, where Kyungsoo has his hands palm-up on his knees to avoid getting grease stains on his nice jeans. He flinches a little, then forcibly relaxes. And then it happens again. And again. Kyungsoo doesn’t even know what Chanyeol’s hands are doing this far over the barrier of the armrest between them.
And then Chanyeol’s gross, buttery fingertips drag over Kyungsoo’s palm again, and he lays his own down against it, letting his fingers fall through the gaps between Kyungsoo’s.
Kyungsoo’s breath hitches against his will, and he closes his fingers around Chanyeol’s hand instinctively, warm and oily and sweat-sticky. Chanyeol goes stiff beside him, and then relaxes, fidgets. Kyungsoo’s dumb heart beats way too quickly.
And then they’re...holding hands. In the middle row of the theatre. And it’s not quite back row makeouts, but- But. It’s something. Kyungsoo bites his lip and starts overanalyzing all over again, only much more optimistically.
The movie ends, and Chanyeol stands up, but doesn’t let go of Kyungsoo’s hand. Kyungsoo looks up at him, and Chanyeol looks quickly away.
Stomach squirming, Kyungsoo smiles, stands as well. They walk out like that, fingers still linked together. Kyungsoo decides this is worth not washing his hands.
“So,” Chanyeol says, head down as they walk down the street towards home. “That was a pretty good movie, right?”
Kyungsoo laughs a little, trying desperately to remember a single detail. “Yeah,” he says vaguely. “I liked the girl. That actress.”
“What girl?” Chanyeol says, blinking wide eyes down at him.
Kyungsoo cocks an incredulous eyebrow. “Were you even looking at the screen?”
Chanyeol’s ears go red, and he looks away. “Yeah, of course,” he mumbles.
Kyungsoo grins, tightens his fingers around Chanyeol’s. “So,” he says, swinging their hands gently between them. “Tell me about your job.”
“Oh.” Chanyeol shrugs, keeps his shoulders hunched. “It’s just, you know. Boring. I just ring up people’s purchases and stand behind the counter and stuff. Sometimes I can bring my homework there, and then I feel like I have to do it. And my coworker helps a little, sometimes.” He scratches the back of his neck with his free hand.
“That doesn’t sound too bad,” Kyungsoo says.
“No, it’s not. I mean, right now I’m kind of working a lot, like most days after school and on weekends and stuff, but it’s not bad.” They stop for a red light, and Chanyeol squeezes Kyungsoo’s hand and loosens his grip rhythmically. “It makes me feel good, too.”
“The job?”
Chanyeol shrugs. “Working. It. It makes me feel good because I’m...doing good things. And I know they’re good. And, I mean, it’s hard and tiring and it’s not fun but sometimes, like, my boss will tell me I’m doing a good job or I’m learning fast and that makes me feel really good. And he said he remembers me from when we were kids, you know, and he said that’s what made him hire me. And that made me feel really good, too. That he remembers me like that. When I was still good.”
“You’re still good now, Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo says softly, pulling him forward gently when the light turns green. “You were just having a bit of a rough time.”
Chanyeol huffs, shrugs.
Kyungsoo bumps their shoulders together. “I’m really happy for you, Yeol. I’m really glad that you’re...feeling good.”
Chanyeol tips his chin down, smiles at him. “Thanks, Soo,” he says quietly.
They take the long route home, and walk slow. Kyungsoo has exam review he should be doing, and probably about a hundred other things besides, but all of that is far in the back of his mind tonight. Right now it’s just him, and Chanyeol, and the cool evening breeze, and the ever-present lights of the city. They’re far from alone on the streets-no one’s ever alone in LA-but Kyungsoo doesn’t see anyone else. His entire world has narrowed down to the two of them, and the point of contact between their hands.
“Hey,” Chanyeol says, after a long stretch of comfortable silence. “You wanna stop here a bit?”
Kyungsoo lifts his head, sees the park they used to go to as kids, four blocks away from their houses. It’s empty now-it’s late on a school night, too late for kids to still be out playing-and it’s quiet. Private. Kyungsoo smiles. “Yeah, sure.”
They sit down side-by-side on the edge of the playground, feet swinging, shoulders brushing. Chanyeol lets go of Kyungsoo’s hand to dig something out of his jacket pocket, and Kyungsoo flexes his empty palm against his knee, feigning indifference.
“Hey,” Chanyeol says. “Um.”
Kyungsoo looks at him questioningly, and Chanyeol immediately looks away.
“I. I have something for you,” Chanyeol says to the woodchips beneath their feet.
“Oh,” Kyungsoo says. “Another thing?”
Chanyeol shrugs, pulls his phone from his pocket, unwraps his earbuds from around it. “Here,” he says, and leans over to slip them into Kyungsoo’s ears.
Kyungsoo blinks, holds perfectly still. “Shit,” he hears Chanyeol mutter as he fumbles, and then he jerks forward, presses his lips to Kyungsoo’s cheek quickly.
Kyungsoo doesn’t move, stunned by the kiss, however brief. “Shit,” he hears Chanyeol whisper again, “that was, I wasn’t going to-”
And then the sound starts, and Kyungsoo doesn’t hear anything else.
If I was your boyfriend,
I’d never let you go.
It’s a shitty recording on Chanyeol’s shitty, hand-me-down phone, one voice, one clumsily-played guitar. It’s not an amazing cover-Chanyeol’s singing voice is nice, but the quality is terrible and he obviously only knows how to play simple chords-but Kyungsoo would bet all his savings Chanyeol learned to play it by ear. And he changes all the feminine pronouns.
Kyungsoo ducks his head, bites his bottom lip so hard that he thinks he tastes blood. His heart crashes in his chest.
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go.
When he finally dares to look up again, Chanyeol has his hands over his cheeks, hunched over to rest his elbows on his thighs, and his ears are bright red where the tips stick out of his hair. Kyungsoo bites his tongue, lets himself grin a little. “Hey,” he says. “I’m done.”
Chanyeol’s eyes flick towards him, but he doesn’t move. “The videos helped,” he mumbles. “On the USB. So.”
“You’re good,” Kyungsoo says, heart fluttering, stomach twisting. “You won’t be singing much Justin Bieber when you get into college, though.”
Chanyeol huffs, sits up, scrubs his hands over his cheeks. Embarrassed, but also nervous.
Kyungsoo knows how he feels. “I,” he says, and then stops. He doesn’t know what to say, because there are so many things he wants to say but all the words seem wrong, not enough, too hard. They get stuck in his throat, get lost on his tongue.
So instead he reaches out, curls his fingers around the lapel of Chanyeol’s jacket. Tugs Chanyeol towards him, slowly, gently. Gives him time to pull back, if he wants to.
Chanyeol drops his hands, stares at Kyungsoo with wide, hopeful eyes. Kyungsoo smiles at him, sick with nerves, and pulls him a little closer.
He kisses Chanyeol softly, because it’s what Chanyeol deserves. He kisses him, because he is so bad at saying the right words, but maybe. Maybe he can do a hard thing instead.
The sound that Chanyeol makes is as heartbreaking as it is gratifying, soft and desperate and relieved, and Kyungsoo kisses it from his lips, presses his palm to Chanyeol’s jaw and feels everything click into place, even as everything in him kind of shatters. In a good way.
The thing is, he’s always kind of known, really, that he’s in love with Chanyeol. He didn’t notice it happening-didn’t notice the gradual evolution from childish, platonic love to this-but it’s always been there, even if he never acknowledged it. He’s not surprised.
What surprises him, instead, is the way his entire body feels shaky and hot and cold at the same time, and the way he kind of feels like crying. Kyungsoo’s not a crier. Especially not the kind who cries when he kisses someone for the first time. He’s not the kind of person who kisses the boy he’s been in love with for years and thinks cheesy things, like I think this is the happiest moment of my life. And I hope this is Chanyeol’s new happiest memory.
When he finally pulls away-lips lingering, eyelids fluttering-Chanyeol is breathing hard, and there’s moisture clinging to his eyelashes. Kyungsoo pretends not to notice.
“I’m not going anywhere, by the way,” he says-whispers, because it’s so quiet, and they’re still so close together. “I got into UCLA.”
Chanyeol blinks dumbly. “What?”
A smile pulls at Kyungsoo’s lips. “I got my acceptance letter yesterday. I’ll be commuting starting in the fall. It’s barely farther than my school right now.”
It seems to take a few seconds for that to register in Chanyeol’s brain. “Oh my god,” he says slowly. “Oh my god. Soo!”
Kyungsoo’s grin breaks out in full force across his face. “Yeah.”
Chanyeol’s hug is bone-crushing-familiar. He presses his face into the side of Kyungsoo’s head, and Kyungsoo laughs, hugs him back. And then he pulls away, tips his face up, catches Chanyeol’s chin with his lips.
Immediately, Chanyeol is tilting his head to kiss him full on the mouth, hard and quick, and then again, and again. His kisses are clumsy, a little bitey, but Kyungsoo doesn’t care, literally couldn’t fucking care less. He laughs, curls his fingers in the back of Chanyeol’s stupid purple jacket, and lifts one hand to scratch gently at the back of Chanyeol’s head. He nudges his face up into kiss after kiss, letting Chanyeol smooth his hair back from his forehead over and over, revelling in the quiet intimacy of it, the little thrills it all sends down Kyungsoo’s spine. He wants to shove his hand up under Chanyeol’s shirt, wants Chanyeol to touch him all over, hold him closer and tighter, but they’re outside, in public. That can wait for later.
For now, Kyungsoo pulls away from Chanyeol’s mouth, kisses him all over his face, on the apples of his cheeks and his chin and his nose and eyelids. “You’re. You’re so good,” he says, because he’s been kissed stupid and everything feels amazing. “I’m so happy that you’re doing better and feeling better but you’re always good and I. I’ve always- I always knew. Okay? Am I making sense?”
Chanyeol smiles, eyes closed, and Kyungsoo’s lips land half on his teeth. “No,” he says.
“I missed you,” Kyungsoo says, pressing his whole face into Chanyeol’s cheek. He has no idea what he’s doing. “Don’t make me miss you anymore.”
“I have a job now,” Chanyeol says as he wraps his arms around Kyungsoo’s shoulders, squeezing him tightly. “I’m a busy man.”
And that isn’t what Kyungsoo meant, and maybe Chanyeol knows that, but he lets it go, kisses Chanyeol’s cheek. “I’ll come visit you at work,” he promises.
Chanyeol smiles, catches his lips softly. “I’m really happy,” he whispers.
Kyungsoo hums, tips their foreheads together and just breathes. For the first time in a long time, everything feels...good. In a few months, everything is going to change again-they’ll both be out of high school, and Kyungsoo will be in college-but it doesn’t feel like an end to something. It feels more like a beginning.
He inhales, smiles. “Me too.”
🐶🎧🐶🎧🐶
Three days later, Chanyeol gets off work at 7pm, and Kyungsoo drags himself away from finals review to go with him to the dog park, Toben wiggling at their feet until Chanyeol picks him up.
It’s been...a good couple of days. Chanyeol’s been working, and Kyungsoo’s been stressing out over school, but they see each other in the evenings, even if only briefly. There have been furtive kisses through open windows. It’s been nice.
Jongin and Sehun are already at the park when they arrive, standing around with their ripped jeans and slouched shoulders like scrawny thugs while their yappy little dogs chasing each other around in dizzying circles. Immediately, Toben flings himself out of Chanyeol’s arms to run after them, barking madly.
“Monggyu is literally obsessed with kibble,” Jongin is saying as they approach, hands deep in the pockets of his leather jacket. “I have no idea why. It has so much trash in it. I’d like to feed him something else, but dry kibble is cheapest, so…”
“Yeah, ugh,” Sehun says, pulling the hood of his sweater up over his snapback. “I mean, ideally, I’d feed Vivi at least part raw, but…”
“Ideal,” Jongin agrees, nodding emphatically. “Did you watch that video I sent you of the YouTuber who feeds her pets an all-raw diet?”
“Yeah, fuck, that girl’s got it made,” Sehun sighs. “I’d want to do a little research first before trying it myself though.”
Jongin nods, and then looks up when Monggyu yelps at a passing Golden Retriever, finally sees Chanyeol and Kyungsoo approaching. “Oh, hey!”
Busy trying to process whatever he just heard, Kyungsoo lifts a hand in a vague greeting, and Chanyeol beams and says, “Hey guys!”
“Welcome back to the crew, Soo,” Sehun says, inclining his head in a condescending sort of nod.
Kyungsoo snorts. “Thanks, brat.”
“So anyway,” Jongin says, turning to Chanyeol. “What are you feeding Toben now, Chanyeol?”
Kyungsoo shakes his head, stands back to watch and listen, half-amused, half-uncertain what he’s supposed to do. Jongin and Sehun barely even look at him, don’t say a word about why he’s here when he’s never come to their doggy dates before. Kyungsoo has no idea how much Chanyeol told his friends about...them. If he warned them ahead of time that Kyungsoo would be coming, and if he said why, if he said Kyungsoo’s coming to hang out or if he said we’re dating now.
Kyungsoo doesn’t even know if they’re dating now. If that’s a word Chanyeol would use. He confessed, more or less, with a song literally titled Boyfriend, but he’s never actually said the word outside of the cover. And Kyungsoo sure as hell hasn’t, either.
Admittedly, playing with a bunch of dogs isn’t really Kyungsoo’s idea of an ideal date. Or just...an ideal evening, period. He’s never owned pets, and never knows how to act around them, and definitely doesn’t know how to play with them. He mostly just tries to stay out of the way, avoids stepping on any furry, wiggly bodies, watches Chanyeol grin and throw rubber balls across the grass. He watches Chanyeol crack jokes and laugh at the dogs’ antics.
It’s not ideal, but it’s...nice. Seeing Chanyeol look so carefree, and all that. It’s also been years since Kyungsoo spent much time with Jongin and Sehun, and although he knows they’re enablers when it comes to Chanyeol’s delinquency, he also knows Chanyeol likes spending time with them. And that makes them mostly alright in Kyungsoo’s books.
“Kyungsoo!” Chanyeol calls. “Why don’t you play with Toben a little? The bigger dogs are bullying him.”
“They are not!” Jongin protests immediately.
“Jonginnie’s dog is too lazy to bully anyone,” Sehun snickers, throwing a little chew toy for Vivi.
The boys argue back and forth about their dogs, and Kyungsoo laughs, shakes his head. “I’m fine over here,” he says, moving to a bench a stone’s throw away, next to a skinny tree. “Trust me, Toben doesn’t want to play with me.”
“Oh,” Chanyeol says, pouting a little. “Well, if you’re sure-”
“I don’t mind just watching,” Kyungsoo assures him with a smile. “It’s kind of nice.”
Chanyeol frowns, and then shrugs. “Okay,” he says, and turns back to playing tug-of-war with Monggyu.
“So now that you’re a good working boy, we can only get our dog things at your store, huh Yeol?” Sehun says, wrestling the toy back out of his dog’s mouth. “Buy, I mean. I’m not going to steal from your store.”
“No stealing from any store,” Kyungsoo says, shaking his finger warningly.
Sehun rolls his eyes dramatically. “Yeah, yeah. I can lecture myself, thanks.”
Kyungsoo snorts, leans back in his seat. “If you two get Chanyeol in trouble, I’ll kick your asses.”
“You won’t be around,” Sehun sniffs. “Only Chanyeol is sticking around after you guys graduate.”
“I’m not going that far,” Kyungsoo says, mock threatening. “And besides, Chanyeol won’t be working there forever. Soon he’ll be joining me.”
“In college?” Jongin says, looking up from where he’s rubbing Toben’s belly. He glances at Chanyeol. “I thought you didn’t want to go to college.”
Chanyeol ducks his head, shrugs. “I said I didn’t know,” he says quietly, his voice nearly getting lost in the sound of a dozen dogs barking from around the park.
Kyungsoo blinks at him. “You didn’t tell me that.”
Chanyeol shakes his head, waves him away. Kyungsoo frowns.
At the same time, Sehun and Jongin look at each other across the park lawn, and then at Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo has no idea what’s going on.
Fifteen minutes of bizarre dog games later, Sehun wanders over to Kyungsoo’s bench while Chanyeol and Jongin go to mediate a meeting between the puppies and a massive Great Dane, and sits down beside him under the pretense of searching for something in his backpack. “Hey,” he says without looking at Kyungsoo, “uh, I get that you’re trying to make Chanyeol a good person and stuff, but how about you maybe try to make him feel good about himself? And make him happy?”
Kyungsoo’s jaw drops. “What?”
“Just an idea, I dunno,” Sehun says dryly, tugging a little package of treats out of a side pocket.
“No, what do you mean?” Kyungsoo says, frowning. “That’s what I’m doing.”
“Dude,” Sehun scoffs. “You’re not. Like it’s cool that you’re boyfriends and stuff now but maybe stop making him feel bad?”
Kyungsoo’s stomach turns uncomfortably. “I don’t know what you mean.”
Sehun just shakes his head. “And maybe pet his dog once in a while, asshole.”
“What?” Kyungsoo says, at the same time that Chanyeol yells, “Hey, dickface! Your dog is making a break for it!”
“Oh, shit,” Sehun says, bolting from the bench to catch Vivi before he wanders too far.
Kyungsoo spends the rest of their time at the park trying to figure out what Sehun meant. And also reeling from the fact that Sehun called them boyfriends-either that Chanyeol told him that, or that he just made that assumption-but mostly just. Feeling confused. And concerned.
He doesn’t know what he did wrong.
By the time the sun starts setting and the two of them start home with Toben back on his leash, Kyungsoo has half convinced himself that he imagined everything Sehun said to him on the bench. Chanyeol doesn’t look unhappy. He’s smiling, and chattering mindlessly, and holding Kyungsoo’s hand. He doesn’t look like Kyungsoo makes him feel bad.
And then Toben runs between his legs while they’re waiting at a stoplight, twists his leash around Kyungsoo’s ankles, and Chanyeol practically chokes the poor thing trying to snatch him away. “I’m sorry,” he says, attempting to unwrap the leash hastily. “Sorry, sorry-”
And Kyungsoo thinks of Sehun saying pet his dog once in a while. He frowns, bends down to pick Toben up and scratch at his soft belly. “It’s fine, Chanyeol,” he says. “I don’t mind.”
“Oh.” Chanyeol blinks, smiles like Kyungsoo has given him some sort of gift. “Thanks.”
And Kyungsoo thinks, shit. He still doesn’t know what the hell Sehun was talking about, but this. If he was right about this...maybe he was right about everything else, too.
Kyungsoo feels sick at the thought of it.
They head straight to Chanyeol’s house from there, even though it’s late and Kyungsoo has so many things he should be doing, sleep he should be catching up on. But instead, he tries to smile at Chanyeol as he turns on some music, joins him on his bed, curling up and tucking himself up against him.
It’s something they’ve done a hundred times before-spent the evening listening to music in Chanyeol’s room together. It’s the same way they spent half of their childhood together, only now Kyungsoo’s head is tucked under Chanyeol’s chin, and their legs are tangled together on his blankets, and Kyungsoo’s lips are resting against the skin of Chanyeol’s throat, feeling the vibrations when Chanyeol sings along quietly.
He listens to Chanyeol breathe for a few minutes, stomach turning, and then he takes a steadying breath and says, “Do I make you unhappy?”
For a second, Chanyeol doesn’t respond. His body tenses up, though, and eventually he just says, “What?”
Kyungsoo swallows thickly. “Do I...make you feel unhappy?”
There’s a single, horrible beat of silence before Chanyeol says, “...No.”
Kyungsoo squeezes his eyes shut. “I want to believe you,” he whispers, “but I feel like you’re lying. And you never lie to me.”
“I’m not lying!” Chanyeol says quickly. Kyungsoo can feel his pulse fluttering wildly in his throat. “I’m happy that you’re here. With me.”
Kyungsoo shakes his head slightly. “Sehun said that I make you unhappy. And Jongin said you told them you don’t want to go to college. But you didn’t tell me.”
This time, the silence is longer, stretches into heavy seconds that curl around Kyungsoo’s gut, pull tight. And then Chanyeol says, voice soft, “Sometimes it’s hard to tell you the truth.”
Kyungsoo exhales painfully, scratching his fingertips gently over Chanyeol’s back through the fabric of his shirt. “Why?”
Chanyeol puffs warm air against the top of his head. “The truth is hard to say when the truth is that you’re never good enough,” he whispers.
“What?” Kyungsoo pulls his head back from under Chanyeol’s chin, tries to look at him as Chanyeol averts his gaze. “Yeol, no.”
Chanyeol swallows audibly. “This is the first time I’ve ever been anything other than complete shit. And now I’m just...still shit, only with a job.”
“Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo says, horrified.
“And sometimes it’s just hard to talk to you,” Chanyeol says, face growing redder, eyes blinking hard. “Because I know that everything I say will just make you feel disappointed again. And then you’ll tell me all these big things you want me to do, and I know I should do them, but sometimes they just make me want to die.”
“Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo whispers, pressing a hand to his cheek. “You know I just want you to be happy.”
“I know,” Chanyeol says, turning his face away, into his pillow. “But what if I can’t do all the things you want me to do? You want to date me now, because I did literally the easiest thing on your list, but what about when I can’t do any of the other things?”
Kyungsoo shakes his head, halfway stunned by all the things wrong with what Chanyeol is saying. “God, I fucked up,” he mutters.
“No, I-” Chanyeol starts to say.
“No, Chanyeol, listen,” Kyungsoo says, ribs tight around his lungs. “First of all, you getting a job was not the easiest thing on my list. That was a hard fucking thing, and I am so fucking proud of you for doing it.”
Chanyeol scoffs wetly. “Getting a job was just...like, if you can’t go to college because you’re so poor and your grades are so shitty, you can do this instead, for now, I guess.”
“That is not what I meant,” Kyungsoo says, pushing himself up on his elbow to look down at him. “Chanyeol, you don’t even have to go to college. Ever. And my word isn’t law. I want you to go to college, because I want you to be able to do something that makes you happy, and I think there are some things in college that would make that easier for you. But you really, really don’t have to. If you can’t, or even if you just don’t want to. That’s okay. That’s so fucking okay.”
He smooths Chanyeol’s hair back from his forehead, tries and fails to get Chanyeol to look at him. “All I want is for you to be happy. And honestly, if working at a corner store for the rest of your life makes you happy, then I would be perfectly satisfied with you doing that. But if you want something more than that, and it’s attainable, then of course I’m going to want you to do that instead. I’m not saying you have to be a famous music producer or something, I’m not saying you have to graduate college top of your class, and I’m not even saying you have to fulfill your biggest dreams, because sometimes you just can’t. But I don’t want you to be scared of trying. And I really don’t want you to keep doing dumb, illegal shit, because even if it didn’t get you in trouble, it makes you feel shitty, and I want you to feel good.”
By the time Chanyeol finally looks at Kyungsoo again, there are shiny tears leaking from the corners of his eyes. “You’re the only one who ever expects something of me,” he says, voice wobbly. “And that’s-I need that. For you to expect something of me. But it’s so hard sometimes. Because I don’t know if I can do anything.”
“You can,” Kyungsoo whispers, wiping moisture from under Chanyeol’s eyes with his thumbs. “You already have. Look at you getting a job. And look at you learning the guitar! Yeol, you’re doing amazing.”
“The guitar is really fucking hard,” Chanyeol mumbles. “I stayed up all night learning and recording that cover for you.”
Kyungsoo blinks, feels his chest squeeze painfully. “Okay, Yeol-you can and should push yourself, but you don’t need to kill yourself doing it. I want you to try things and I want you to do things that make you happy, like learn music-I really want you to learn music-but you’re allowed to...go slow. I want you to do hard things, but they don’t have to be big things. They can be little things. And you can fail. Okay? You can fail and try again and you can fail a hundred times but at least you’ll be trying.”
“It’s hard,” Chanyeol says, sniffs. “And scary.”
“I know,” Kyungsoo says. He leans down, kisses Chanyeol softly. “I’m sorry.”
Chanyeol huffs against his mouth, pulls away. “Sorry for what?”
“No, no, you don’t get to say I didn’t do anything wrong,” Kyungsoo says immediately, shaking his head, clutching at Chanyeol’s shirt. “I did, I- I’m sorry. Sehun said I make you feel bad, and I didn’t know what he meant, but he’s right. I don’t mean to make you feel bad. Or, I mean, I do-because I want you to change. But that’s shitty of me. Wanting to make you feel bad. Chanyeol, I’m sorry.”
Chanyeol shakes his head, and then whispers, “It does make me feel a little bad when you hate my dog.”
“Oh, god,” Kyungsoo groans, closing his eyes. “I don’t hate your dog, Yeol. I really don’t. I might not be...100% a dog person, but I absolutely do not hate your dog. I’m sorry I didn’t...make that clearer.”
Chanyeol’s shoulders twitch up in a shrug. “It’s just. My dog doesn’t care that I’m...dumb, or bad. He doesn’t care that I’m always fucking up.”
Kyungsoo sighs, lies down against Chanyeol’s pillow again, touches their foreheads together gently. “The one who’s always fucking up is me, clearly.”
“No,” Chanyeol whispers.
“I’m gonna fuck up some more,” Kyungsoo says. “I am. Because I always say the wrong words and sometimes I don’t even know it and I...get sensitive about weird things, like you not wearing nice clothes to our movie date. And I get angry sometimes because I’m scared and worried and I might take that out on you and make you feel shitty. I don’t do it on purpose and I would never try to hurt you but it’s likely that I will, sometimes. I’m gonna fuck up, Yeol. And so are you, probably. We’re both gonna fuck up. Because that’s what you do when you’re a person. But I don’t want you to think that I’m going to, like...decide to stop dating you because of something like that. And I especially don’t want you to think I’m the only one with any say or power between us. Because that would be super messed up.” He pulls away again, just a little, and rubs his thumbs over Chanyeol’s warm cheeks. “So let’s just try to work things out together, okay? And try to be...honest. And use our words.” He quirks his lips in a small smile.
Chanyeol blinks at him slowly. “You were mad that I didn’t wear nice clothes to our movie date?”
Kyungsoo has to laugh, cheeks warming with embarrassment. “It was stupid. Forget I said that.”
“I panicked,” Chanyeol says. “I think I screamed out loud. All my clothes are ugly and not date-worthy and I didn’t want to look too try-hard.”
Kyungsoo grins, kisses him quickly because he can’t help it. “I feel extra stupid now. Erase it from our relationship history. Agree to my terms about working together and shit.”
Chanyeol sighs, ducks forward for another kiss, longer and sweeter. “It’s going to be hard.”
“You’re telling me,” Kyungsoo mumbles, nosing along Chanyeol’s jaw. “I’m the worst at using my words.”
“You were doing fine just now.” Chanyeol’s hand slips under the hem of Kyungsoo’s shirt, rubs tiny circles into his hip. It makes Kyungsoo feel warm all over.
“I got all worked up,” Kyungsoo says. “Usually I’m more emotionally repressed.”
Chanyeol chuckles, closes his eyes. “You’re emotionally repressed and I’m a crybaby. A good pair.”
“We are a good pair,” Kyungsoo says softly. “And that’s why I’m going to work on being...better for you.”
“And I’m just going to work on being...better.”
Kyungsoo smiles, presses their mouths together indulgently, pulls himself tight against the length of Chanyeol’s body. And then he laughs as Toben jumps onto the bed to wiggle his body between them, reaches down to scratch his curly black ears. Chanyeol kisses his cheek, and Kyungsoo inhales. “One step at a time.”
A/N: AYOOOO GUESS WHO'S BACK. Just for this lil fic, since it's technically a collab-type thing ^^ This fic really got away from me (it was supposed to be silly and cute?? what??) but yeah idk I had a lot of fun writing it. I hope u all like it uwu.
DON'T FORGET TO CHECK OUT THE ART INSPIRATION I LINKED AT THE BEGINNING. actually here it is again now. LOOK AT IT.
Alright that's all, bye, I love you.