procrastination, yes!!!
Thinking about my friend Mike from Java Cow's. Even though I don't think I'll ever see him again, I'm happy that I knew him - he was a really cool guy, and introduced me to "Destination Unknown". Thinking about him, I also miss Renee. She was crazy, but so cool, and it was easy just to play it cool with her.
Like the song sings, "life is so strange". I'm finding out a lot about myself this summer and comming to terms with so many ghosts of the past. I think I'm at the point where I am at peace with myself. There's so many ways I that I can appear to the outside world, but to myself I am getting to be a better person and more importantly, know that I have the ability to do wonderful things with and in my lifetime. I'm just trying to set myself up so that I can hopefully give back to a world that's given me so much. I still have to reconcile with this place- but a place does not define a person- Pullman does not make me, it just offers chances for me to learn. I also realized that failure can be a good thing, it's humbling, gives us a foundation to strive and is human - failure is okay if it is derived from actual effort.
Finally, I'm trying to resolve things that are beyond my control and forgive past greivences- namely, my brother and sister. I feel like I'm slowly preparing to reconcile my relationship to them because it is so important to do so. It's taken me twenty years to realize how angry my childhood was. I repressed so many feelings for so long, there's this new security I feel from being able to finally unfold the past. No, it wasn't right for a girl to mother her own mother when she was scared shitless herself; it wasn't right how my own siblings took away my dignity rather than protect it; it wasn't right that so much of my life I modeled myself to never, ever be like them. I've finally been able to come to terms with the lies I've told so many people and even myself trying to convince the world that things were okay. We all did things wrong, but someone must have done something right for me because I'm finally okay.
Alright, I should probably get back to work... oi, I'm crying now. Like I said, this summer has been bringing lots to the surface, but it's allowing me to finally free myself, which is really good. On a lighter note, I really need to change that picture, I'm starting to look different again, maybe Esther can take a pic for me...
-allgreen