Well... damn
I really dislike making decisions. I never know which option will be better for me in the long run.
Research?
I spent a few months talking on and off with a professor of mine about assisting her with a summer research project. Neither of us were sure if it was even going to happen since everyone is being so tight with money (she'd need a grant to do it). Today I got an email with an application attached. I have no research experience and I think this will probably be my only opportunity to do something like this before I graduate. There's a stipend with it, I'd be working about 30 or so hours a week, in addition to working every other weekend and one day a week at TNMC for a grand total of 46 hours a week. If I get this research experience under my belt I'll have a much greater chance at getting a residency after I graduate. Residencies aren't required, but I'll make about $10k more a year if I do one. Part of the PGY1 residency is designing and conducting a research project and then presenting it at a national conference in South Dakota or something like that. One complication is that I can't reduce my hours at TNMC. I have to work one day a week. The problem with that is the latest shift starts at 3:00. I talked with my current supervisor and he said that I could probably work something where I'm only available one day a week for a 1500 shift and I talked with my prof and she said it would be okay if I get done half an hour early one day a week every week. That still gives me only half an hour travel time to go from working a 5.5 hour shift to an 8.5 hour shift. Can I handle a 14.5-hour day one day every week for two to three months?
Pros: great experience, something unique to add to my resume, will be beneficial for getting/completing a residency, I love the professor
Cons: 46 hours/week; any traveling I do will have to be in May (i.e. going home or to New England); I'll probably wear myself out; I won't make as much money compared to working full time at TNMC; commuting between the two jobs will blow; I wanted my siblings to come to Omaha and stay with me for a few days but if I'm working until 3 every day I don't know how much fun that will be for them.
I don't even know if I will get the position since my grades kinda suck right now and that's part of the application (I currently have a D in physiology... whoops).
Religion?
Starting freshman year of college I have started to doubt Christianity. It began with my first theology course and got even stronger after my second theology course. It stopped making sense to me. It went from becoming THE religion to... I don't even know what. My faith in God hasn't changed, the only difference is the idea that if I don't believe in the immaculate conception, the virgin birth, and the resurrection then God will hate me and I'll burn in Hell for eternity (despite how good of a person I may be). Although deep down I know what I do and don't believe in, I'm terrified to confidently admit it. (Actually, no, that's not true. I don't know what I believe in. I guess I know what I want to believe in.) Christianity is such a guilt- and fear-based religion that I've become terrified of being cast away by God for not believing in Him through the correct venue. I can't base my faith on that fear, though. Judaism has always appealed to me on some level. Talking about it with Aaron and doing my own research on it has taught me a lot about it and I really do like what I see. It fits my beliefs. I don't know if conversion is for me; it's something I need to do a lot of personal meditation on. Trying to figure out what I want to do with all this is my biggest goal for the summer. Converting to Judaism is a lot of work, too. It takes about a year of schooling before someone can officially convert into it, and I'm not entirely sure if I can really dedicate that kind of time right now in my life. I'd have to talk with a rabbi to learn more about that, though.
The irony is that part of the reason why I chose a Catholic university was because I thought it would help me strengthen my Christian faith.