episode 5: college
my dad started watching the sopranos no doubt because the new york times said it was great, and also because the people in his office were talking about it. one of the women who works for him taped all the episodes (oh the days of vhs, they seem so far away) and so my dad would borrow them at the end of the season. around teh third season i started watching with him. he loved them for the same reasons all of these mobster dramas like the godfather are so appealing, even gangsters, even mob bosses are just like us. they have families (and psychiatrists) and theyre seeking the american dream.
after i got into it, he borrowed the first season again because i hate watching tv shows out of order and also because the first season contained his favorite episode... episode 5: college. tony takes meadow on the same college visits my dad had taken my sisters on and was to take me on in a few years, and in maine he sees a former "colleague" shall we say? who turned and went into the witness protection program. he the proceedes to murder him while meadow is visiting colby. youve probably seen the episode.
today i watched the episode again.
today i also did that whole "applying for graduation" thing. it brought me back to that internal debate of whether to walk or not, whether to go through with the whole cap and gown bit or not. my dad said once he thought itd be nice if i did it, since i didnt do it in high school. part of me wants to do it so my sisters have to come to mine, since i went to theirs. itd also be kinda nice (though im sure id actually hate the whole thing and feel like everyone was just faking it and they didnt really care) to have a sort of... celebration for me, a reason for everyone to come celebrate with me. both my sisters got married recently, it seems theyre always being celebrated for one reason or another... of course its my youngest child syndrome to always feel neglected and not as well loved as my sisters, so by pre-empting my celebration, id be feeding that neglect, justifying my parents lack of love for me, the youngest who can only follow footsteps, can never blaze her own trail to be celebrated in her own right. thinking about that kind of celebration almost feels like pity. "look what i can do!" the retarded kid who dropped out of school 3 or 4 times finally finished!
but odds are pretty good my sisters wouldnt even be able to come because graduation is at the end of january and theyll undoubtedly have school and be unable to get away. besides which 3000 miles is a long way to go for abby. besides which, i dont want to do it just out of spite for having had to go to my sisters' graduations.
so why do it?
why not just invite everyone (including parents and even sisters) out to the same place at the same time? have it be any night just with a subtle subtext of graduation-celebration? would it work? would people come if it didnt have the pomp and circumstance of the college campus, the cap and gown? why not just take the pomp and circumstance and throw in a party afterwards?
it just seems so insignificant. i picture my dad crying at my sisters' weddings, what those occasions meant to him, and granted i may very well get married one day and have that all to myself, but i compare the completion of my 5 and half years of college and the celebration just feels like pity. and i feel pitiful for it having taken that long and then i dont want to celebrate it. i just want it to be over and done with and have my degree like everyone else and pretend like im not "special" or even special. like my accomplishments are yet to come so why praise this one?
and then it just feels like too much so i drink a beer and cuddle with the cat and watch the sopranos, episode 5: college.
after i got into it, he borrowed the first season again because i hate watching tv shows out of order and also because the first season contained his favorite episode... episode 5: college. tony takes meadow on the same college visits my dad had taken my sisters on and was to take me on in a few years, and in maine he sees a former "colleague" shall we say? who turned and went into the witness protection program. he the proceedes to murder him while meadow is visiting colby. youve probably seen the episode.
today i watched the episode again.
today i also did that whole "applying for graduation" thing. it brought me back to that internal debate of whether to walk or not, whether to go through with the whole cap and gown bit or not. my dad said once he thought itd be nice if i did it, since i didnt do it in high school. part of me wants to do it so my sisters have to come to mine, since i went to theirs. itd also be kinda nice (though im sure id actually hate the whole thing and feel like everyone was just faking it and they didnt really care) to have a sort of... celebration for me, a reason for everyone to come celebrate with me. both my sisters got married recently, it seems theyre always being celebrated for one reason or another... of course its my youngest child syndrome to always feel neglected and not as well loved as my sisters, so by pre-empting my celebration, id be feeding that neglect, justifying my parents lack of love for me, the youngest who can only follow footsteps, can never blaze her own trail to be celebrated in her own right. thinking about that kind of celebration almost feels like pity. "look what i can do!" the retarded kid who dropped out of school 3 or 4 times finally finished!
but odds are pretty good my sisters wouldnt even be able to come because graduation is at the end of january and theyll undoubtedly have school and be unable to get away. besides which 3000 miles is a long way to go for abby. besides which, i dont want to do it just out of spite for having had to go to my sisters' graduations.
so why do it?
why not just invite everyone (including parents and even sisters) out to the same place at the same time? have it be any night just with a subtle subtext of graduation-celebration? would it work? would people come if it didnt have the pomp and circumstance of the college campus, the cap and gown? why not just take the pomp and circumstance and throw in a party afterwards?
it just seems so insignificant. i picture my dad crying at my sisters' weddings, what those occasions meant to him, and granted i may very well get married one day and have that all to myself, but i compare the completion of my 5 and half years of college and the celebration just feels like pity. and i feel pitiful for it having taken that long and then i dont want to celebrate it. i just want it to be over and done with and have my degree like everyone else and pretend like im not "special" or even special. like my accomplishments are yet to come so why praise this one?
and then it just feels like too much so i drink a beer and cuddle with the cat and watch the sopranos, episode 5: college.