(no subject)
Okay, so surgery was pushed back. I went in today, and first the nurse looked horrified. honestly, if it had been an easy fix, would i have been in a surgeon's office?! please. The surgeon seemed pretty interested, though. I'm sure he doesn't get many cases like this one, and he was all medical about it. it was cute.
anyway, apparently i am going to be sedated, which i think is pretty ridiculous. mostly because my insurance isn't going to cover any of this, seeing as there's no medical reason for them to be taken out. eh, oh well. it needs to be fixed.
i ended things with the one guy (i think you might know what i'm talking about, if you read a previous edited post), and i think it was a smart move. i've done a lot of things recently that have led me to be completely broke and bewildered, and this was the second step in getting my life back on track before i get to going to therapy.
the first was applying for department manager training, which will hopefully pan out positively. i'm more worried now than ever because i made a big boo-boo at work the other day, and if they decide to write me up, they could very well fire me for what i did. we have self check-outs, and when i opened on friday, i put the tens in the ones spot and vice versa, causing a guy to get $25 back instead of $7. I'm sure he was pumped, and the problem was fixed right away, but that's still an $18 loss that could have been prevented. the chick that deals with the money doesn't want to write it up informally (which would get the ball rolling), but if they make her, i'm going to take responsibility for it. and when it reaches my manager (who will have the right to decide how severe punishment is), it could go several ways. since it's a first offense, i could get off with a warning...but in light of how stupid it was, i could get a class A or B violation, which would mean no training...or i could get fired for being a nimrod.
but i think i wouldve been fired already if that was the case...
anyway. no guys (and not just the ones that i shouldn't be hanging out with...if they're meant to be, they'll understand where i'm coming from and let me get shit figured out first). and no buying things. because i can't afford my $1000 shopping sprees, for sure.
recent things i've read make me a tad worried that i could be bipolar. i know, i know, i shouldn't jump to conclusions...but that would explain me doing all the stupid shit and the feeling depressed (and the feeling i can't shake that this depression is not the same as the first).
but anyway, like it or not, i'm going to make that call tomorrow. i cannot live like this. it's like being two people stuck in the same body, and it's so difficult to explain. i'm one person on the outside, another on the inside, and they don't get along. the outside me flirts with anything that moves, is loud and talkative, super-popular, does things she shouldn't, gets tattoos and piercings, and is always looking for the next "high" (in this case, adrenaline rush). and the inside me is so sad all the time. she feels hopeless and confused. empty and alone, even when surrounded by friends and laughing. she's irritable and snaps at everyone and everything, no matter how trivial.
confront me about any of the above and i'll either burst into tears or i'll snap and start screaming.
i've dropped out of school. i don't ever want to leave the house to hang out with people, but i can't stay here cooped up all day. i've got 4 piercings in my body that i have to be sedated to have removed, all for a quick rush of fun. i've got about $400 worth of shit in my closet that still has the tags on...all because i needed to spend some money. my credit cards are completely maxed out, if not over the limit because i can't stop spending. i've got 4 tattoos, i hurt people's feelings, and i'm always angry and irritated. i smoke like a chimney.
and people have started to comment on it, especially at work. about how i won't stop "seducing" people, using people. about how i seem so angry, so tired (because even though i seem to sleep, it never seems to be enough). and my parents want to know why i've changed. why i don't do things i used to. why i've pushed everyone from my past away. why i yell all the time and never seem to have energy.
it is time to get my life on track and get on with my future. out with the bad, and in with the good.
anyway, apparently i am going to be sedated, which i think is pretty ridiculous. mostly because my insurance isn't going to cover any of this, seeing as there's no medical reason for them to be taken out. eh, oh well. it needs to be fixed.
i ended things with the one guy (i think you might know what i'm talking about, if you read a previous edited post), and i think it was a smart move. i've done a lot of things recently that have led me to be completely broke and bewildered, and this was the second step in getting my life back on track before i get to going to therapy.
the first was applying for department manager training, which will hopefully pan out positively. i'm more worried now than ever because i made a big boo-boo at work the other day, and if they decide to write me up, they could very well fire me for what i did. we have self check-outs, and when i opened on friday, i put the tens in the ones spot and vice versa, causing a guy to get $25 back instead of $7. I'm sure he was pumped, and the problem was fixed right away, but that's still an $18 loss that could have been prevented. the chick that deals with the money doesn't want to write it up informally (which would get the ball rolling), but if they make her, i'm going to take responsibility for it. and when it reaches my manager (who will have the right to decide how severe punishment is), it could go several ways. since it's a first offense, i could get off with a warning...but in light of how stupid it was, i could get a class A or B violation, which would mean no training...or i could get fired for being a nimrod.
but i think i wouldve been fired already if that was the case...
anyway. no guys (and not just the ones that i shouldn't be hanging out with...if they're meant to be, they'll understand where i'm coming from and let me get shit figured out first). and no buying things. because i can't afford my $1000 shopping sprees, for sure.
recent things i've read make me a tad worried that i could be bipolar. i know, i know, i shouldn't jump to conclusions...but that would explain me doing all the stupid shit and the feeling depressed (and the feeling i can't shake that this depression is not the same as the first).
but anyway, like it or not, i'm going to make that call tomorrow. i cannot live like this. it's like being two people stuck in the same body, and it's so difficult to explain. i'm one person on the outside, another on the inside, and they don't get along. the outside me flirts with anything that moves, is loud and talkative, super-popular, does things she shouldn't, gets tattoos and piercings, and is always looking for the next "high" (in this case, adrenaline rush). and the inside me is so sad all the time. she feels hopeless and confused. empty and alone, even when surrounded by friends and laughing. she's irritable and snaps at everyone and everything, no matter how trivial.
confront me about any of the above and i'll either burst into tears or i'll snap and start screaming.
i've dropped out of school. i don't ever want to leave the house to hang out with people, but i can't stay here cooped up all day. i've got 4 piercings in my body that i have to be sedated to have removed, all for a quick rush of fun. i've got about $400 worth of shit in my closet that still has the tags on...all because i needed to spend some money. my credit cards are completely maxed out, if not over the limit because i can't stop spending. i've got 4 tattoos, i hurt people's feelings, and i'm always angry and irritated. i smoke like a chimney.
and people have started to comment on it, especially at work. about how i won't stop "seducing" people, using people. about how i seem so angry, so tired (because even though i seem to sleep, it never seems to be enough). and my parents want to know why i've changed. why i don't do things i used to. why i've pushed everyone from my past away. why i yell all the time and never seem to have energy.
it is time to get my life on track and get on with my future. out with the bad, and in with the good.