Jason vs. The Vampire Deer
The title of this entry sounds like a really bad horror movie, but I assure you, it's not. It is a true story, and none of the names have been changed.
My co-worker Jason lives on a 1.5 acre spread in rural Washington, and he's been having some trouble with deer trespassing on his lawn lately. He decided to deal with it the local, organic, and violence-free way that we Washingtonians employ, so he bought a jug of Uncle Ian's All Natural Repellents to sprinkle around his...um...weeds. (Sorry, Jason, but they are.)
I guess it worked. *shrug* I dunno. What brought it to my attention, though, was Jason's description of the label. "There's a rabbit, a squirrel, and a VAMPIRE DEER! Oh, and some ingredients."
"Vampire deer?" Asked I.
"Yeah, a deer with a badly Photoshopped set of fangs on it."
"...huh..."
Sensing that I did not believe him, Jason brought in the label this morning and tossed it over our shared cubicle wall. Sure enough, it had a picture on the front that looked sort of like this, except the deer had a badly Photoshopped set of fangs over its mouth. Uncle Ian had obviously changed the packaging since then.
There were a few more peculiarities on the label. One was that the address given for Uncle Ian was just a few miles away from where Jason lives. He was just thrilled about that.
Another was that the ingredients were listed as 'dehydrated blood, bone meal, and capsicum pepper'. Jason described exposure to the latter as akin to being tear-gassed, but we soon got into a discussion about the first ingredient. Dehydrated blood? WhosewhatwhyPRIONS?
I, a city-dweller by upbringing, and Jason, overcome by capsicum fumes, could not answer that, so I went to the source.
Dear Uncle Ian,
A co-worker of mine uses your deer, rabbit and squirrel repellent to keep pests off of his property, and he highly recommends your products.
I was wondering, though, how the dehydrated blood comes into play. What kind of blood is it? Wouldn't the scent of blood attract larger predators such as bears and cougars? I certainly wouldn't want those in my back yard!
Yours,
He replied, in a very admirable turnaround time:
The blood that I use in my products is chicken and pork.The other ingredients that are in my mix also repel. The sent stays in the air for up to 2 hundred yards.It will not bring in any other animals but will repel them. Please call me if you have any other question
Thank you
John xxxxxx
Ian Enterprises
xxx-x13-0371
Well, that explained nothing, except that John/Ian was not not so good with homonyms or punctuation. I decided to push further.
Sorry--I'd call, but my phone is on the fritz. (I was not about to call this guy. Caller ID and all that.)
It's good to know that your product won't attract predators. Right now, I just have a few deer snacking on my raspberry canes, but if it was bears! I don't know what I'd do.
One more question: You also claim that your deer repellent also attracts...something if you put it in an old lady's sock. I can't remember, since I gave the jug back to my co-worker (after taking a little bit to test).
If it attracts songbirds or butterflies or something else beneficial to my garden, I'm all for it.
Thank you,
Alley
John/Ian, replied:
On my label it says to put 1 cup of my deer repellent into a sock or stocking and hang from trees or shrubs to make a repellent station. It is just another way of repelling deer, rabbits or squirrels.
Thank you,
John xxxxxx
Well, that's all settled then. Not.
I still have questions, but this guy seems like the type who owns firearms. So, um...later.
My co-worker Jason lives on a 1.5 acre spread in rural Washington, and he's been having some trouble with deer trespassing on his lawn lately. He decided to deal with it the local, organic, and violence-free way that we Washingtonians employ, so he bought a jug of Uncle Ian's All Natural Repellents to sprinkle around his...um...weeds. (Sorry, Jason, but they are.)
I guess it worked. *shrug* I dunno. What brought it to my attention, though, was Jason's description of the label. "There's a rabbit, a squirrel, and a VAMPIRE DEER! Oh, and some ingredients."
"Vampire deer?" Asked I.
"Yeah, a deer with a badly Photoshopped set of fangs on it."
"...huh..."
Sensing that I did not believe him, Jason brought in the label this morning and tossed it over our shared cubicle wall. Sure enough, it had a picture on the front that looked sort of like this, except the deer had a badly Photoshopped set of fangs over its mouth. Uncle Ian had obviously changed the packaging since then.
There were a few more peculiarities on the label. One was that the address given for Uncle Ian was just a few miles away from where Jason lives. He was just thrilled about that.
Another was that the ingredients were listed as 'dehydrated blood, bone meal, and capsicum pepper'. Jason described exposure to the latter as akin to being tear-gassed, but we soon got into a discussion about the first ingredient. Dehydrated blood? WhosewhatwhyPRIONS?
I, a city-dweller by upbringing, and Jason, overcome by capsicum fumes, could not answer that, so I went to the source.
Dear Uncle Ian,
A co-worker of mine uses your deer, rabbit and squirrel repellent to keep pests off of his property, and he highly recommends your products.
I was wondering, though, how the dehydrated blood comes into play. What kind of blood is it? Wouldn't the scent of blood attract larger predators such as bears and cougars? I certainly wouldn't want those in my back yard!
Yours,
He replied, in a very admirable turnaround time:
The blood that I use in my products is chicken and pork.The other ingredients that are in my mix also repel. The sent stays in the air for up to 2 hundred yards.It will not bring in any other animals but will repel them. Please call me if you have any other question
Thank you
John xxxxxx
Ian Enterprises
xxx-x13-0371
Well, that explained nothing, except that John/Ian was not not so good with homonyms or punctuation. I decided to push further.
Sorry--I'd call, but my phone is on the fritz. (I was not about to call this guy. Caller ID and all that.)
It's good to know that your product won't attract predators. Right now, I just have a few deer snacking on my raspberry canes, but if it was bears! I don't know what I'd do.
One more question: You also claim that your deer repellent also attracts...something if you put it in an old lady's sock. I can't remember, since I gave the jug back to my co-worker (after taking a little bit to test).
If it attracts songbirds or butterflies or something else beneficial to my garden, I'm all for it.
Thank you,
Alley
John/Ian, replied:
On my label it says to put 1 cup of my deer repellent into a sock or stocking and hang from trees or shrubs to make a repellent station. It is just another way of repelling deer, rabbits or squirrels.
Thank you,
John xxxxxx
Well, that's all settled then. Not.
I still have questions, but this guy seems like the type who owns firearms. So, um...later.