Food Memory
Good morning students. Settle down, settle down. Yes, I know the first session of Practical Zombie Handling 101 is always an exciting one, but loud noises startle them so you'll need to be quiet and save your questions for the end.
Right. A brief history of the zombie to begin, although for those of you interested in studying the Zomb-pocalypse in further detail should have signed yourselves up for Zombie History. If you haven't, go see Professor Midwinter after the class, since I understand that she has a few spaces left. I would heartily recommend her sessions - she's an excellent teacher and if you are serious about becoming a Handler, it really is essential that you understand where the little critters came from.
When the first wave hit, everyone immediately thought of every zombie movie they'd ever seen and prepared themselves for a world overpowered by the living dead within days. No one knew where the plague originated, but everyone was sure that it was some form of virus spread through bodily fluids. They were all dreading the moment it became air borne and the human race would be doomed. In fact, zombification is the result of a genetic mutation. It is still unclear why it hit when it did in such numbers, nor why there was another big wave fifty years later, but although plenty of people died by zombie attack, it transpired that zombi-ism is not contagious, so the plague was relatively easily contained once people got over the initial squeamishness at the prospect of having to kill a body who was once their Auntie Doreen.
There has not been a major wave in living memory and scientists are predicting that there will not be another for at least fifty years, so currently handlers are only having to contend with the odd individual returning. Since zombie labour has become such a staple of the economy, your role is vital in ensuring that they stay focused and on goal. And, of course, should the scientists prove wrong and we were to wake up to a wave tomorrow, getting the new influx of workers under control as quickly as possible with minimal damage to the population at large will be crucial. Although their bite is not contagious, there are still any number of nasty diseases a dead and rotting body can harbour and you really don't want one of them chomping down on you. Still, to be on the safe side, I hope you all have had your shots!
OK, if you could all put on your breathing masks, Rita, if you could bring in the specimen?
Come along now, Fido. Fido here had a different name when he was alive, but we find that it works better if you rename them - it removes any notion that there's still a human being lurking inside somewhere. Believe me, folks, there isn't. We've tried everything to see if there is some form of rational thought in there, but once the zombification process is complete, there is nothing left but the need to feed. We've tried introducing them to their children, partners, beloved pets, but all they seem to remember is that food is gooood. The only word that they've ever been known to utter is "brains" unless, of course, they were vegetarian when they were alive, in which case they hanker after grains.
Heh.
Sorry. My little joke.
Anyway, as you can see from Fido here, he's desperately waving his arms around to try and grab hold of my head. Were I to be foolish enough to allow him to get close enough, he would rip it off without any difficulty and help himself to the juicy yumminess within. All he cares about, all he's focused on is where his next fix of brain is coming from and he won't stop until he gets it. So how do we utilise that obsession to get him working in the factory? That's right, with the synthetics we've developed that fool them into thinking that there's a brain waiting to get out if they just press that button enough times. The pheromones smell exactly the same to their primitive bodies, although the living find them a little... pungent, which is one of the reasons why the masks are so essential.
Now I'm just going to dab a little bit on this button here to demonstrate my point. You don't need much, just a couple of drops will do and... there. As you can see, he goes, presses it, puts his hand to his mouth to taste his treat, can't understand why there's no food, so presses it again, hand to mouth, no food, presses button and so on and so on and so on. Those few drops will keep him going for around four hours, but you'll need to pay attention because when he starts becoming distracted, you'll know it's wearing off and you'll need to replenish it. They don't actually need to eat, what with being dead and all, so it's no cruelty to keep them going like this and as long as they can smell brains, they will work until their arms literally fall off.
I think that's enough for now Rita, so if you could be so kind? As you can see, Rita need only wave a cloth with a slightly stronger solution in front of Fido and he'll turn towards what he thinks is a more likely source of nourishment and he's on his way. Obviously, she'll still keep him in restraints, but he's perfectly pliable and under her control. Thank you Rita.
Now in our next session we'll start focusing on commands and getting your zombie to obey simple instructions. In the meantime, I'd like you to go away and research the various methods of whipping up a batch of pheromones from household products easily obtained from any supermarket. Bring in what you think is likely to produce the best results and we'll do some experiments.
Any questions?