On Marya Bolkonsky
I was asked on Tumblr for my thoughts on Marya Bolkonsky This was my response to the ask. The op is here for anyone wanting to read the conversation that followed in the notes :)
Honestly, my perspective on Marya has changed a lot. I used to really dislike her but now I just pity her with the acknowledgement that we wouldn’t get along.
I was always frustrated at the fact that she seems to think it’s ok for her father to treat her like shit and that she constantly makes excuses for him. Her hyper-religiousness also annoyed me. These are still things that make me uncomfortable about her, but here’s the thing: Marya is an emotional abuse victim.
It really isn’t fair at all to hold either her defensive mechanisms or the result of her trauma against her. It’s easy to say, “even if she can’t fight back, why does he excuse what her father does? Why doesn’t isn’t she ever angry?” But the reality is that people respond to this sort of trauma differently. Some get angry and reject this sort of treatment of themselves while others internalize it. Marya, by nature, is meek and quiet and fairly kind. Spitefulness and vengefulness aren’t in her nature. She is more susceptible to internalizing her father’s abuse, especially since we have every reason to believe that this has been going on her entire life since she was a child. Her mother died early so it’s not like Marya had another influential adult in her life to counteract her father’s actions and words. She has internalized a lot of the belittling to where she almost thinks she deserves it. For example, after things don’t work out with Anatole, she is convinced that she simply was not meant for a normal life with a family of her own. This isn’t how most people would react to one failed courtship, but this is how Marya reacts because her father has already laid the groundwork for her to not believe in herself.
Not only has she internalized her father’s shitty attitude, but I think her making excuses for him is also a defense mechanism. She keeps talking about how he’s old and how she should pity him. The thing is: if his shitty behavior is because he’s old, then that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her. Marya is isolated with very few people to turn to for emotional support and affection. Even her beloved brother is a) away a lot and b) not very emotionally available. (I won’t even go into how Andrei passively enables his father’s abuse, but it’s obviously not helping the situation.) So Marya makes excuses for her father because it’s easier to believe that he’s not really wrong or he’s sick or he’s old…anything is better and hurts less than admitting that your only remaining parent and the person you are practically completely dependent on treats you like shit. (Because then you start wondering if he even loves you and that’s even worse.) Add to that that Marya is deeply religious in an almost fanatical sort of way, and it becomes clear that her worldview supports this martyrdom of hers and suddenly her complete passivity and excuse-making becomes nearly-heroic behavior and Christian kindness and compassion.
The thing is, Marya desperately needs these survival and defense mechanisms because she doesn’t have the agency that, say, Andrei has. She doesn’t have a reasonable way to get out of her shitty situation, aside from getting married. (And it’s not like that has been an option for very long - she’s been locked away with old Bolkonsky since childhood.)
I’m also starting to think that her religiousness is also a defense mechanism. She throws herself completely into faith to get away from everything else. Why do I have this theory? Well here’s the thing: Marya didn’t grow up in a very religious household. We don’t know how religious her mother was, but she also died in Marya childhood. Old Bolkonsky is an atheist and Andrei isn’t religious either. Deep devotion to religion is almost certainly not something Marya picked up from her family. Maybe it was her nurse’s influence. But, again, I doubt the Bolkonsky household was ever very devout. This depth of religious devotion is something Marya has come to mostly on her own.
But it makes sense doesn’t it? What else would an isolated, emotionally abused girl believe in if not a religion that tells her that God loves everyone - a religion that tells her that someone out there loves her. Her own father isn’t very affectionate, so she finds a father in God. Religion’s rules and expectations also don’t feel oppressive to her because she’s already learned to cope with that sort of thing. And religion promises her a way out, a heaven, a reason to keep going. (It’s really not uncommon for people going through a really awful period in life, in moments of helplessness, to seek out religion even if they weren’t very religious before.) And ultimately religion offers her another defense mechanism as I already pointed out above.
So yea, I agree. In this light, Marya truly is a very sad character. Her life is ruled by fear and isolation and internalized abuse. (And, as a side-note, it’s not surprising that Andrei turns out differently. They’re different in temperament for one, and Andrei’s gender gives him a ton of advantage.)
Honestly, my perspective on Marya has changed a lot. I used to really dislike her but now I just pity her with the acknowledgement that we wouldn’t get along.
I was always frustrated at the fact that she seems to think it’s ok for her father to treat her like shit and that she constantly makes excuses for him. Her hyper-religiousness also annoyed me. These are still things that make me uncomfortable about her, but here’s the thing: Marya is an emotional abuse victim.
It really isn’t fair at all to hold either her defensive mechanisms or the result of her trauma against her. It’s easy to say, “even if she can’t fight back, why does he excuse what her father does? Why doesn’t isn’t she ever angry?” But the reality is that people respond to this sort of trauma differently. Some get angry and reject this sort of treatment of themselves while others internalize it. Marya, by nature, is meek and quiet and fairly kind. Spitefulness and vengefulness aren’t in her nature. She is more susceptible to internalizing her father’s abuse, especially since we have every reason to believe that this has been going on her entire life since she was a child. Her mother died early so it’s not like Marya had another influential adult in her life to counteract her father’s actions and words. She has internalized a lot of the belittling to where she almost thinks she deserves it. For example, after things don’t work out with Anatole, she is convinced that she simply was not meant for a normal life with a family of her own. This isn’t how most people would react to one failed courtship, but this is how Marya reacts because her father has already laid the groundwork for her to not believe in herself.
Not only has she internalized her father’s shitty attitude, but I think her making excuses for him is also a defense mechanism. She keeps talking about how he’s old and how she should pity him. The thing is: if his shitty behavior is because he’s old, then that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her. Marya is isolated with very few people to turn to for emotional support and affection. Even her beloved brother is a) away a lot and b) not very emotionally available. (I won’t even go into how Andrei passively enables his father’s abuse, but it’s obviously not helping the situation.) So Marya makes excuses for her father because it’s easier to believe that he’s not really wrong or he’s sick or he’s old…anything is better and hurts less than admitting that your only remaining parent and the person you are practically completely dependent on treats you like shit. (Because then you start wondering if he even loves you and that’s even worse.) Add to that that Marya is deeply religious in an almost fanatical sort of way, and it becomes clear that her worldview supports this martyrdom of hers and suddenly her complete passivity and excuse-making becomes nearly-heroic behavior and Christian kindness and compassion.
The thing is, Marya desperately needs these survival and defense mechanisms because she doesn’t have the agency that, say, Andrei has. She doesn’t have a reasonable way to get out of her shitty situation, aside from getting married. (And it’s not like that has been an option for very long - she’s been locked away with old Bolkonsky since childhood.)
I’m also starting to think that her religiousness is also a defense mechanism. She throws herself completely into faith to get away from everything else. Why do I have this theory? Well here’s the thing: Marya didn’t grow up in a very religious household. We don’t know how religious her mother was, but she also died in Marya childhood. Old Bolkonsky is an atheist and Andrei isn’t religious either. Deep devotion to religion is almost certainly not something Marya picked up from her family. Maybe it was her nurse’s influence. But, again, I doubt the Bolkonsky household was ever very devout. This depth of religious devotion is something Marya has come to mostly on her own.
But it makes sense doesn’t it? What else would an isolated, emotionally abused girl believe in if not a religion that tells her that God loves everyone - a religion that tells her that someone out there loves her. Her own father isn’t very affectionate, so she finds a father in God. Religion’s rules and expectations also don’t feel oppressive to her because she’s already learned to cope with that sort of thing. And religion promises her a way out, a heaven, a reason to keep going. (It’s really not uncommon for people going through a really awful period in life, in moments of helplessness, to seek out religion even if they weren’t very religious before.) And ultimately religion offers her another defense mechanism as I already pointed out above.
So yea, I agree. In this light, Marya truly is a very sad character. Her life is ruled by fear and isolation and internalized abuse. (And, as a side-note, it’s not surprising that Andrei turns out differently. They’re different in temperament for one, and Andrei’s gender gives him a ton of advantage.)