Pride
"Pride goeth before the fall" as the saying goes, but I think ego-based pride goeth before the fall, not just any old pride. One can be proud of something while still knowing its weaknesses and faults, and accepting it anyway.
Living in California has been hard. I've had to learn a number of hard lessons, and had my trust broken and shattered by those who claim to be my friends. So I find myself questioning any number of things I thought of as constant and true. In the recent past, that included my own achievements, my own worth, and my place in the world. I got within a hair's breadth of thinking about suicide. That is much closer than I should have been, but miles farther away then I've been in the past. I'm much too rational and hopeful to ever go through with it, but it is a sign of how bad off I was.
That said, back to the original point of this post: pride. For my own sake, and for those out there who are interested, here is the list of things I am proud of accomplishing with those whole move thing.
1. I went from 0 to California in 3 months. In that time I packed up, stored, and/or sold every. single. worldly possession I had ever owned. Also in that time I was the main instrument helping my mother move 20+ years of accumulated stuff out of our house. I arranged a living situation with an ex and a friend. I finished up my part-time web developer job. Working, packing, and planning probably took up 80-90% of my waking hours.
2. In the two weeks to a month prior to moving out, I came up with a brilliant plan: I switched all of my addresses on online job sites to my ex's parents' house. This meant recruiters started asking me about jobs in SF, Oakland, and Berkeley instead of in NJ. This is important, because one of those recruiters hooked me up with my current job. Because of this, I was able to tell that recruiter "I'm actually living in New Jersey, but will be moving out there August 6." His response: "Excellent. Would you be available for a phone interview August 7." I so was.
3. I learned to dance with the Bay Area public transit completely on my own. My flight from NJ landed in SFO, and I got myself across the Bay and to the correct transfer station without any assistance or guidance from my roommates. Any trips out to interviews involved looking up schedules on my own. It may sound pithy, but given that there are 40-50 public transit authorities in the Bay Area, this was no small feat.
4. My work ethic. My roommates were both working during the day, so I had the apartment to myself all day. But rather than goof off, I spent the first two weeks in the library or starbucks applying to jobs from 10-5 while we waited for the internet to get setup in our apartment. That work ethic continued when we finally got internet. And this was true even when my Ritalin supply ran out.
5. My in-person interviews. My first one was with FM, and my suits hadn't even arrived yet. So I show up in business-casual attire and proceed to run through 4 interviews of 2-3 people each. One of those groups of 2 is the most stressed-out dept. at the time, and they gave me the most negative affect I experienced in an interview. I took it somewhat in stride, accepted the break I was offered, and returned to have a lovely interview with the final 2 people. The second in-person interview I wore a full business suit (with matching socks!), and just aced it. I talked with the CTO, then another engineer I had missed the first time, and then was so confident I asked my interview-guide/boss-to-be "Is there anyone else who wants to speak with me?" This turned out to be brilliant, as I got one of the previous stress-testers and her boss in front of me. They were both even, and as I answered their questions calmly and confidently (admitting my weaknesses and pointing out my strengths), I could visibly see them growing more relaxed and more impressed. 2 days later, I got the job offer, and let me tell you, it was about 4 standard deviations beyond my most optimistic hopes.
Two weeks later, I was at my desk. Three weeks after that, they put a hiring freeze on. I had slid in under the recession, and how.
6. Keeping it together. NJ had a lethargic pull on me that also involved me gradually disconnecting from who I am. That was part of why I left. Add into this disconnection the fact that I was spending my summer disemboweling my childhood home while simultaneously planning a move across 3000 miles of United States, and we've got a setup for a breakdown or two. Then the post office lost 40 pounds of books, music, and notes. DHS broke the one framed poster I had mailed out to myself. Most reminders of my past were either in storage in Pennsylvania or broken in that move.
7. Then the little betrayals started growing larger. Where once there had been small amounts of time when J and D would disappear for the night to run scene, there began to be weeks where I could count on two hands, then one, the number of hours I saw them each week. Where once I had been expected to help pack group stuff while they were at work, there began to be a clearly unfair number of responsibilities placed upon me relative to the mess I made. And where I had once expected communication, love, care, respect, and support, I found only distance, disdain, and resentment.
8. And, in all of this, I have fulfilled the two personal goals I had in coming out here: 1) to get a job that would kick off my career, and 2) to become a man who can stand by himself.
In 10 months time, I will look at my life and ask myself: do I want to continue living here? Recent events have made a bid for yes, but no still has a strong case.
Which one I choose, I will not regret my choice to move out here.
Living in California has been hard. I've had to learn a number of hard lessons, and had my trust broken and shattered by those who claim to be my friends. So I find myself questioning any number of things I thought of as constant and true. In the recent past, that included my own achievements, my own worth, and my place in the world. I got within a hair's breadth of thinking about suicide. That is much closer than I should have been, but miles farther away then I've been in the past. I'm much too rational and hopeful to ever go through with it, but it is a sign of how bad off I was.
That said, back to the original point of this post: pride. For my own sake, and for those out there who are interested, here is the list of things I am proud of accomplishing with those whole move thing.
1. I went from 0 to California in 3 months. In that time I packed up, stored, and/or sold every. single. worldly possession I had ever owned. Also in that time I was the main instrument helping my mother move 20+ years of accumulated stuff out of our house. I arranged a living situation with an ex and a friend. I finished up my part-time web developer job. Working, packing, and planning probably took up 80-90% of my waking hours.
2. In the two weeks to a month prior to moving out, I came up with a brilliant plan: I switched all of my addresses on online job sites to my ex's parents' house. This meant recruiters started asking me about jobs in SF, Oakland, and Berkeley instead of in NJ. This is important, because one of those recruiters hooked me up with my current job. Because of this, I was able to tell that recruiter "I'm actually living in New Jersey, but will be moving out there August 6." His response: "Excellent. Would you be available for a phone interview August 7." I so was.
3. I learned to dance with the Bay Area public transit completely on my own. My flight from NJ landed in SFO, and I got myself across the Bay and to the correct transfer station without any assistance or guidance from my roommates. Any trips out to interviews involved looking up schedules on my own. It may sound pithy, but given that there are 40-50 public transit authorities in the Bay Area, this was no small feat.
4. My work ethic. My roommates were both working during the day, so I had the apartment to myself all day. But rather than goof off, I spent the first two weeks in the library or starbucks applying to jobs from 10-5 while we waited for the internet to get setup in our apartment. That work ethic continued when we finally got internet. And this was true even when my Ritalin supply ran out.
5. My in-person interviews. My first one was with FM, and my suits hadn't even arrived yet. So I show up in business-casual attire and proceed to run through 4 interviews of 2-3 people each. One of those groups of 2 is the most stressed-out dept. at the time, and they gave me the most negative affect I experienced in an interview. I took it somewhat in stride, accepted the break I was offered, and returned to have a lovely interview with the final 2 people. The second in-person interview I wore a full business suit (with matching socks!), and just aced it. I talked with the CTO, then another engineer I had missed the first time, and then was so confident I asked my interview-guide/boss-to-be "Is there anyone else who wants to speak with me?" This turned out to be brilliant, as I got one of the previous stress-testers and her boss in front of me. They were both even, and as I answered their questions calmly and confidently (admitting my weaknesses and pointing out my strengths), I could visibly see them growing more relaxed and more impressed. 2 days later, I got the job offer, and let me tell you, it was about 4 standard deviations beyond my most optimistic hopes.
Two weeks later, I was at my desk. Three weeks after that, they put a hiring freeze on. I had slid in under the recession, and how.
6. Keeping it together. NJ had a lethargic pull on me that also involved me gradually disconnecting from who I am. That was part of why I left. Add into this disconnection the fact that I was spending my summer disemboweling my childhood home while simultaneously planning a move across 3000 miles of United States, and we've got a setup for a breakdown or two. Then the post office lost 40 pounds of books, music, and notes. DHS broke the one framed poster I had mailed out to myself. Most reminders of my past were either in storage in Pennsylvania or broken in that move.
7. Then the little betrayals started growing larger. Where once there had been small amounts of time when J and D would disappear for the night to run scene, there began to be weeks where I could count on two hands, then one, the number of hours I saw them each week. Where once I had been expected to help pack group stuff while they were at work, there began to be a clearly unfair number of responsibilities placed upon me relative to the mess I made. And where I had once expected communication, love, care, respect, and support, I found only distance, disdain, and resentment.
8. And, in all of this, I have fulfilled the two personal goals I had in coming out here: 1) to get a job that would kick off my career, and 2) to become a man who can stand by himself.
In 10 months time, I will look at my life and ask myself: do I want to continue living here? Recent events have made a bid for yes, but no still has a strong case.
Which one I choose, I will not regret my choice to move out here.