(no subject)
I've been studying a lot lately. Tomorrow at 9 a.m. the prompt for my essay exam is released and I have three days to write a ten page essay. It's due right after I have a three hour immunology exam. There was a time when I would have been amused by the task, but my writing has deteriorated to such a point that I've been re-reading three year old essays of mine to try and recapture the lost skill of writing extemporaneously. It's silly to critique and especially praise your own writing, but I think it's fair to say I had at least a little bit of panache.
For a long time I falsely assumed that my writing was an inherent indelible aspect of my voice and who I am. But a large portion of the last few years of my life has gone into silencing that voice, to free myself of a very cluttered and confused mind. I needed that space and I think I achieved what I was looking for. An unusual side effect, or maybe mental response to that will, is that for a long time I couldn't hear my own voice anymore. I stopped thinking consciously. Most people think I'm trying to be coy by relaying that fact, but it's true. To the best of my unconscious mind's ability, I've been held in cognitive stasis. And now, when that isn't necessarily my will, the words don't come as easily as they used to, and thoughts aren't structured and manipulated with the same carelessness. It's weird to think that you can forget your own thinking process. But one thing I wrote to myself in very deep sadness a few years ago now was this, "You need to change, even if it means losing..." to paraphrase, everything.
More importantly. Kim's having Mia early. This Friday, I'll be twice as uncle. Life has been kind.
For a long time I falsely assumed that my writing was an inherent indelible aspect of my voice and who I am. But a large portion of the last few years of my life has gone into silencing that voice, to free myself of a very cluttered and confused mind. I needed that space and I think I achieved what I was looking for. An unusual side effect, or maybe mental response to that will, is that for a long time I couldn't hear my own voice anymore. I stopped thinking consciously. Most people think I'm trying to be coy by relaying that fact, but it's true. To the best of my unconscious mind's ability, I've been held in cognitive stasis. And now, when that isn't necessarily my will, the words don't come as easily as they used to, and thoughts aren't structured and manipulated with the same carelessness. It's weird to think that you can forget your own thinking process. But one thing I wrote to myself in very deep sadness a few years ago now was this, "You need to change, even if it means losing..." to paraphrase, everything.
More importantly. Kim's having Mia early. This Friday, I'll be twice as uncle. Life has been kind.