my realization
I have just realized after many harmful months that it's okay to be hurt, and it's okay to cry and it's okay to feel like shit. I've also learned that it's okay to tell somebody you love them, and that it's okay to fall in love. it's okay to let somebody else love you. it's okay to let somebody care about you for you, and not have to constantly ask them why they love you or why they care about you, it's okay to just be yourself, even if nobody likes you, because there's somebody out there who loves you just the way you are. it's okay to change, as long as it's a change for yourself, and not for someone else...why has it taken me so long to realize all of these things that i'm sure i've known for awhile now, but just never came to terms with. why do i not want people to do the things that i have come to realize are okay? why do i want to be with him so much, but instead spend all of my time with her? why do i have to go out every night for a "drive" with my friends? why can't i just stay in and do my homework like a good fucking student? why is it that no matter how hard i try i can't forget what it felt like inside when you once loved me? why do i feel like i'm not being myself? like i'm conforming to other people, even though i'm different from them, i still feel the same? why do i feel like i'm going to flunk out of school and not be able to fulfill my dreams, this is the only dream that i have ever had, since i was a little girl, i didn't care what else happened, i wanted to be a teacher, i want to help kids learn, but i can't help myself out of this feeling of anxiety and whatever it is that i'm feeling right now, fear of being a failure, i've never failed at anything before, that might sound cocky, but i don't care...and i can't fail myself....i can't....