Nov 04, 2004 00:16
MELANIE- have you been kidnapped by aliens? are you ok? where have you been?
i havent seen my roommate for almost a week now. im starting to worry. her light isnt even on late at night. oh where oh where has my melanie gone? hahahahahaha
the last few days... have been really good and really bad.
bads first. get them out of the way. im in a good mood and dont want to dwell on them:
-the election and all the stupid people in america who are too blind or brainwashed or whatever. im kinda emotional about this, so please keep all political statements to yourself.
-getting a bad grade on my asian economies class and having my teacher ask me what she could do to help me pass this class. i think i might be failing it. i freak out when i get a B. and now i might be getting an F!? this is not possible. if you know me at all, you know that this is not possible. what the fuck am i doing?
-busy stressful days at the business college.
-the third year anniversary coming up of the worst time in my life. i cant believe its been that long. i need to devote an entire entry to this. later. good things first...
the goods:
-getting a 98% on a paper i wrote in 5 hours 2 days after it was due. fucking amazing.
-voting in under 15 minutes. including driving time. the poll was right behind my apt complex, [one light down from mcculloch] and i did not wait in line at all. as i was walking up to check in, there was a woman ahead of me checking in, but by the time i got 2 feet behind her, she was finished and moved, so i literally didnt have to stop walking, and walked right up to check in. got my card. immediately had a box open, went in, voted, turned it in, and walked out. driving there and back in the 15 mph old people community took longer than the whole voting process!
-the quick voting meant that i made it to my capstone class, so i recieved attendance credit taht will be added on to my final grade!
-finished my homework and paper on time [for once]
-motorcycle diaries. very good movie. scenery was amazing, the language was so poetic and beuatiful, both the meaning of the words and the actual sound of them. i was very impressed.
-getting through the otherwise to get to the talking.
-making eric lose sleep.
-being so good at my job some girl gave me candy as a gift b/c i helped her out and pushed her permit through so she could make it to class on time. it was so sweet. and helping people pick out classes and work out their schedules and recommend good classes to take together, and then have them turn around to other people in the waiting room and say "shes really good, you guys should go talk to her" and then have a line form in front of me of people who wanted me to help them with their schedules. its nice to feel like you are good at your job, that you are helping other people, and that they appreciate what you do.
-being so good at my job that one guy came back after i advised him to ask me if i wanted to hang out. damn i was on a role at work for a while today!
-talking to john on the phone for almost an hour. more than that, laughing on the phone with him. more than that, sharing stories of other people we are interested in and being ok with it. being happy that he got laid. haha. thoroughly enjoying our conversation. talking to someone who understands how i am about certain things, things someone can only understand when theyve been there for me day in and day out for years. talking to someone who knows why november is a hard month for me. letting him know, and now he can really know, b/c im saying this as an ex-girlfriend who never wants to get back together with him, so he knows im being truthful, that he truly changed my life. that he is the reason im graduating in a month. that he kept me sane, and alive, anthrough long, unspeakable nights where i thought the tears and pain was neverending. where i thought i would honestly cry until i literally became dehydrated. he made me feel security and safety, and steadiness, when i thought i would never feel sure of anything again. when the most stable, strong, solid man i knew became weak, and sickly, john provided me with the security to get through it. when the world shook underneath my feet, when everything that was life to me suddenly changed, he held me safe. i dont think he will ever realize how much he helped me. while many many people were there for me, and they were my angels in their own special ways... driving me to cocoa in the middle of the night, calling me everyday to talk, letting me tell them the story at least 100 times, driving me all the way to ocala after the funeral, letting me stay on their couches, floors, and beds, and watch countless movies and go out to countless meals so i wouldnt have to be alone. everyone helped me deal with things, but john helped restore my faith in life, love, relationships, hope, dreams. he made me want to fall in love again. he restored me. i told him tonight on the phone that if i never hear from him again, if i move to japan and teach english, travel the world, and never make it back to orlando, and settle down somewhere and get married and live happily ever after, and never once talk or write to john again, he will still always. always. always be the boyfriend in college who put me back together during the worst month of my entire life. i will always remember him. no matter what. and i will always remember andrew. and miss him. no matter who i fall in love with, or out of love with, or whatever, he will still be in my memories.
life is hard. its takes big things to really make impressions on us. i hate that people die. i hate that permanence. at least john and i are staying friends. it looks like really good friends. i think we can work that out. our breakup is permanent, but our relationship, our friendship, is not over. i dont know what im trying to say anymore. i need to muse out my thoughts, but not in a post i was planning on letting everyone see.