How did I get here?
I’m in a really weird mood. I’m not even sure I know how to explain it. I just know that I really want to have my life figured out and it is causing intense insanity not even knowing even the simple things I want… Most of my questions, I feel, are rather easy to answer. But why can’t I answer them? Why is it impossible to decide if I want to stay in my current relationship? It seems easy enough. I can’t even figure out if I want to stay in Salt Lake or move back to my home town. Maybe I want to try something new. It shouldn't be this hard. Holly hell.
I saw a help wanted sign in the window of a liquor store and I was more tempted than I thought possible to call home and say that I wasn't coming back. It would be all too easy. I could make the decision right now and put in an application by tomorrow morning. I could apply a few places and have a job before too long. It sounds so simple… So nice. I could stay in my parent’s house until I could come up with a deposit and a little bit of furniture money, utility money, and even with bills I could slowly save money and put it away for emergencies or a new car or something….. I could rent a tiny little one-person apartment and live by myself, for myself, on my own schedule, doing my own thing….. If I had plans to stay I could even start attending school again and work towards getting a degree and I could just spend the next few years figuring out my long term plans for my life… I could spend the next few years figuring out myself. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Or what I want. Or what I like. Or what I believe or know.. What kind of life is this and how did I even get here?
I saw a help wanted sign in the window of a liquor store and I was more tempted than I thought possible to call home and say that I wasn't coming back. It would be all too easy. I could make the decision right now and put in an application by tomorrow morning. I could apply a few places and have a job before too long. It sounds so simple… So nice. I could stay in my parent’s house until I could come up with a deposit and a little bit of furniture money, utility money, and even with bills I could slowly save money and put it away for emergencies or a new car or something….. I could rent a tiny little one-person apartment and live by myself, for myself, on my own schedule, doing my own thing….. If I had plans to stay I could even start attending school again and work towards getting a degree and I could just spend the next few years figuring out my long term plans for my life… I could spend the next few years figuring out myself. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Or what I want. Or what I like. Or what I believe or know.. What kind of life is this and how did I even get here?