Once again, I hopped back on the bandwagon
Currently reading Secrets of a Former Fat Girl by Lisa Delaney. Delaney used to wear 16+ but has dropped down to like a size 2. She gives the obvious diet tips (eat less/better and exercise more) but she does it in a relate-able way, or at least in a way that I can relate to her. She talks about the shame of sneaking food (I've done it), the low self esteem/bordering on self hatred. I felt her pain as she described how she didn't think that some guy would like her because she's fat. I felt that many times over, still do at times. I still suck in my gut and position my hips in just such a way that it makes me look less blobby and more "curvy" (even when I'm just with my boyfriend). I really get the "fat girl" mentality and it sucks.
But as always, there are ways to change it. One way is making it obvious of eating habits that I should become more aware of (hence the 15 rules). My eating habits have never been good, ever since I was small. I remember drinking tons of Mountain Dew and eating pizza quite frequently (and people wonder why I'm not that fond of pizza). Yet another thing was sneaking junk food. Quite easy to do since we had a bunch in the house anyways. Late night visits with Debbie Hostess were frequent, especially after the parents went home.
I also didn't exercise much either. Sure I ran around, but I wasn't in any extra curricular activities. I remember being a dance class for a bit, but I don't know why I stopped going. I think I wanted to do something that was sports related but also got turned down, don't remember the reason but it probably had something to do with it costing too much to really afford.
But, I'm an adult now and I make my own decisions. So I have no real good excuse for making stupid choices in food. But why do I still make these stupid choices? Maybe out of habit? Because they taste good? Because I subconsciously don't want to change? Probably. It's like losing my identity. My identity of a fat girl who likes to loaf about, sleep in late, and eat goodies. I'm the girl who can't find clothes that fit right, who always needs that "extra" in front of the size. I'm the girl who needs to go to specialty stores to go a properly fitting bra. It's difficult to think of myself as the girl who now fits into a "large" shirt. It's hard to believe that i can be the girl who eats salads and goes to the gym. This isn't the Melissa I knew. This is someone else. The old Melissa likes to pop back in like an annoying neighbor - staying too long, fucking up my routines, encouraging bad habits. The new Melissa, the one who wants to be able to wear a bikini, the one who wants to fit into regular clothes, to be able to shop at target and buy cute bras with just one D or even a C, is fighting her way back. I have to realize that these are my choices and that no one is forcing me to eat crap food. Right now, i have access to plenty of healthy foods (one of the advantages of living on a farm). Unfortunately, the new Melissa didn't come back in time for me to be able to reach my goal before my doctor's appointment in late July. However, if I'm below the weight I was at when I went to my doc's in January, then that will be good. I'm going to have a lot of hungry days, but oh well.
I want to look different. I want to feel different. I don't want to feel heavy and yucky and gross. I want to feel strong and light on my feet. I don't ever want to become a burden on anyone else, especially because of my weight. I hate feeling creaky noises coming from my knees when I get down to the level of my kids. I don't want to feel creakiness when I work at Old Navy. ..
But as always, there are ways to change it. One way is making it obvious of eating habits that I should become more aware of (hence the 15 rules). My eating habits have never been good, ever since I was small. I remember drinking tons of Mountain Dew and eating pizza quite frequently (and people wonder why I'm not that fond of pizza). Yet another thing was sneaking junk food. Quite easy to do since we had a bunch in the house anyways. Late night visits with Debbie Hostess were frequent, especially after the parents went home.
I also didn't exercise much either. Sure I ran around, but I wasn't in any extra curricular activities. I remember being a dance class for a bit, but I don't know why I stopped going. I think I wanted to do something that was sports related but also got turned down, don't remember the reason but it probably had something to do with it costing too much to really afford.
But, I'm an adult now and I make my own decisions. So I have no real good excuse for making stupid choices in food. But why do I still make these stupid choices? Maybe out of habit? Because they taste good? Because I subconsciously don't want to change? Probably. It's like losing my identity. My identity of a fat girl who likes to loaf about, sleep in late, and eat goodies. I'm the girl who can't find clothes that fit right, who always needs that "extra" in front of the size. I'm the girl who needs to go to specialty stores to go a properly fitting bra. It's difficult to think of myself as the girl who now fits into a "large" shirt. It's hard to believe that i can be the girl who eats salads and goes to the gym. This isn't the Melissa I knew. This is someone else. The old Melissa likes to pop back in like an annoying neighbor - staying too long, fucking up my routines, encouraging bad habits. The new Melissa, the one who wants to be able to wear a bikini, the one who wants to fit into regular clothes, to be able to shop at target and buy cute bras with just one D or even a C, is fighting her way back. I have to realize that these are my choices and that no one is forcing me to eat crap food. Right now, i have access to plenty of healthy foods (one of the advantages of living on a farm). Unfortunately, the new Melissa didn't come back in time for me to be able to reach my goal before my doctor's appointment in late July. However, if I'm below the weight I was at when I went to my doc's in January, then that will be good. I'm going to have a lot of hungry days, but oh well.
I want to look different. I want to feel different. I don't want to feel heavy and yucky and gross. I want to feel strong and light on my feet. I don't ever want to become a burden on anyone else, especially because of my weight. I hate feeling creaky noises coming from my knees when I get down to the level of my kids. I don't want to feel creakiness when I work at Old Navy. ..