theres no sunblock for my heart
I havent updated in a minute, so since i am on my laptop i figured i would do a quick update since it'll be faster with a keyboard vs my touch screen android.
anyway, yes, i went back to the clinic for the pap and the std test results, yes i was positive for the CLAP. but i took the antibiotics and i go back end of july to get re-tested to make sure the antibiotics worked. it feels like it did, and the doctor said the antibiotics usually make it go away within a week, so i should be good. but i am off sex right now, and for a long time. i wont be sleeping with anyone, for an extremely long time. that scared the shit out of me and i have always been careful and i didnt expect someone i LOVE to give it to me. bastard. fuck. fuck you.
ive been walking alot and working out with those bands that were recommended to me. they have been helping, my body looks better. i feel better. i wish i had more money to be able to get a gym membership, at least a month to month one, because thats what i really want. i think in august i'll go down to the one off college and sign up, its only 15 dollars a month so i'll go there a couple times a week starting in august. i finally reached 222. which seems like a lot but i habe officially lost 100lbs, i would rather be 222 then back at 322. that was sick, and i can hardly look at the pictures from back then.
i dont really see much of a difference, actually but thats because i see myself everyday. my total goal is to lose 45 more pounds and then stop. i want to be around 165-170. i looked so amazing at that weight and i was most confident. so thats my goal. i have already done the bulk of the work, now i just need to keep active. yesterday i went on two jog/walks for 30 minutes and again this morning i went on one. and since its a work night i will only go on one jog/walk a work day and do the spin bike at work for 20 minutes.
onto other news, my car is currently being fixed. costing me 2000. so both june checks and a july check is going to my mechanic. thankfully my aunt is letting me not pay rent until i pay the mechanic off. end of august check i need to start saving for north carolina, i already have my budget made up, i just need to stick to it. in august i need to start going through all of my shit too, a lot of it can be thrown out, and i need to get those vacuum bags for all the stuff i am taking, so i can pack my car nicely and have a lot of room, because lets face is.... i do have a lot of shit, i might just have to start mailing boxes to north carolina, hopefully that wont be to expensive if i use flat rate boxes i guess.
i feel like my life is somewhat getting on track, i know that i wont totally know what the future holds, but all i can do is keep positive, as positive as i can. i did have a break down after i found out i did get that std, and it devastated me because i felt/feel nasty. and i know it wasnt my fault, but i should have known better. and thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach, and thats the real reason i dont want to sleep with anyone is because i do feel nasty still. i feel ugly and i cant even explain the way it made me feel in depth, there just arent any words for it.
i havent told anyone, except for my aunt and my mom, and they have nicely kept it to themselves, thankfully. everyone gossips and i just dont need anyone to be spreading that shit around... really, its horrible. i know that i am cured now, but not emotionally i guess. hard to explain. anyway...
taylor comes home in august, and thats another issue. i am so happy to be moving across the country to get away from everyone here and everything, the memories, i need a fresh start. but then taylor is moving to the same area i am moving to in north carolina next year when he gets stationed there, and he isnt even sure if he is going back to his wife i guess its still up in the air. FML. seriously. i plan to not see him at all when i am there, nor talk to him. whether hes with his wife or not... i think that will ruin my fresh start.
though if he asked me to be with him, like legitmately be his girlfriend, i wouldnt refuse, but thats not going to happen. i am not the one for him, i am not even good enough for him. and that use to bother me but it doesnt anymore. i am good enough for someone, i just dont know who. and if i never find that person thats okay. tamara and her son will keep me plenty busy once i get up there i hope. and i hope to find a job within the first couple of weeks that i go there, because i am going to start looking immediately after i get there. i know i will have a bit of money saved, and i will take a few days off just to relax and adjust and have fun, but i will at least get something part time, because i dont want to get into the mode of not working again, because i do enjoy it. i pray to find a caregiving job because thats what i really love to do.
i even thought about enrolling in school there to get my LVN so i can make good money caregiving. but like i said, its all up in the air. i just cant wait to be getting into my car, and starting my drive there. i'll probably be doing the drive alone, which scares me and excites me at the same time. scary because its a very very long drive alone, and excited because i'll get to go at my own pace, i wont have to worry about stopping all the time, and there really wont be enough room for someone else to come with me, unless i throw away a ton of stuff. i am not even sure what i am going to do with my dressers that i have here, because i want them, but i dont think my aunt and uncle will keep them here or take good care of them, and one is my dads and one is my grandmas. so i might have to just get a storage and pay for the storage for like 6 months, the tiniest storage and come back sometime and get them. but i dont know if thats realistic. i mean i will be back here, but i am not sure how i will bring those back up with me. i wish i had a truck sometimes. lol but not for the drive there, the gas would be killer.
anyway i should go, so i can start digging up the backyard to make room for the pool. its been hot the past few days and the pool would be nice to relax in. :)
anyway, yes, i went back to the clinic for the pap and the std test results, yes i was positive for the CLAP. but i took the antibiotics and i go back end of july to get re-tested to make sure the antibiotics worked. it feels like it did, and the doctor said the antibiotics usually make it go away within a week, so i should be good. but i am off sex right now, and for a long time. i wont be sleeping with anyone, for an extremely long time. that scared the shit out of me and i have always been careful and i didnt expect someone i LOVE to give it to me. bastard. fuck. fuck you.
ive been walking alot and working out with those bands that were recommended to me. they have been helping, my body looks better. i feel better. i wish i had more money to be able to get a gym membership, at least a month to month one, because thats what i really want. i think in august i'll go down to the one off college and sign up, its only 15 dollars a month so i'll go there a couple times a week starting in august. i finally reached 222. which seems like a lot but i habe officially lost 100lbs, i would rather be 222 then back at 322. that was sick, and i can hardly look at the pictures from back then.
i dont really see much of a difference, actually but thats because i see myself everyday. my total goal is to lose 45 more pounds and then stop. i want to be around 165-170. i looked so amazing at that weight and i was most confident. so thats my goal. i have already done the bulk of the work, now i just need to keep active. yesterday i went on two jog/walks for 30 minutes and again this morning i went on one. and since its a work night i will only go on one jog/walk a work day and do the spin bike at work for 20 minutes.
onto other news, my car is currently being fixed. costing me 2000. so both june checks and a july check is going to my mechanic. thankfully my aunt is letting me not pay rent until i pay the mechanic off. end of august check i need to start saving for north carolina, i already have my budget made up, i just need to stick to it. in august i need to start going through all of my shit too, a lot of it can be thrown out, and i need to get those vacuum bags for all the stuff i am taking, so i can pack my car nicely and have a lot of room, because lets face is.... i do have a lot of shit, i might just have to start mailing boxes to north carolina, hopefully that wont be to expensive if i use flat rate boxes i guess.
i feel like my life is somewhat getting on track, i know that i wont totally know what the future holds, but all i can do is keep positive, as positive as i can. i did have a break down after i found out i did get that std, and it devastated me because i felt/feel nasty. and i know it wasnt my fault, but i should have known better. and thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach, and thats the real reason i dont want to sleep with anyone is because i do feel nasty still. i feel ugly and i cant even explain the way it made me feel in depth, there just arent any words for it.
i havent told anyone, except for my aunt and my mom, and they have nicely kept it to themselves, thankfully. everyone gossips and i just dont need anyone to be spreading that shit around... really, its horrible. i know that i am cured now, but not emotionally i guess. hard to explain. anyway...
taylor comes home in august, and thats another issue. i am so happy to be moving across the country to get away from everyone here and everything, the memories, i need a fresh start. but then taylor is moving to the same area i am moving to in north carolina next year when he gets stationed there, and he isnt even sure if he is going back to his wife i guess its still up in the air. FML. seriously. i plan to not see him at all when i am there, nor talk to him. whether hes with his wife or not... i think that will ruin my fresh start.
though if he asked me to be with him, like legitmately be his girlfriend, i wouldnt refuse, but thats not going to happen. i am not the one for him, i am not even good enough for him. and that use to bother me but it doesnt anymore. i am good enough for someone, i just dont know who. and if i never find that person thats okay. tamara and her son will keep me plenty busy once i get up there i hope. and i hope to find a job within the first couple of weeks that i go there, because i am going to start looking immediately after i get there. i know i will have a bit of money saved, and i will take a few days off just to relax and adjust and have fun, but i will at least get something part time, because i dont want to get into the mode of not working again, because i do enjoy it. i pray to find a caregiving job because thats what i really love to do.
i even thought about enrolling in school there to get my LVN so i can make good money caregiving. but like i said, its all up in the air. i just cant wait to be getting into my car, and starting my drive there. i'll probably be doing the drive alone, which scares me and excites me at the same time. scary because its a very very long drive alone, and excited because i'll get to go at my own pace, i wont have to worry about stopping all the time, and there really wont be enough room for someone else to come with me, unless i throw away a ton of stuff. i am not even sure what i am going to do with my dressers that i have here, because i want them, but i dont think my aunt and uncle will keep them here or take good care of them, and one is my dads and one is my grandmas. so i might have to just get a storage and pay for the storage for like 6 months, the tiniest storage and come back sometime and get them. but i dont know if thats realistic. i mean i will be back here, but i am not sure how i will bring those back up with me. i wish i had a truck sometimes. lol but not for the drive there, the gas would be killer.
anyway i should go, so i can start digging up the backyard to make room for the pool. its been hot the past few days and the pool would be nice to relax in. :)