Honesty
Have you ever been so honest it hurt? Have you ever said things that you know would hurt someone else? Have you ever woke up and realized that everything was wrong? Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and wondered "what the fuck is wrong with me?".
Ok I'm going to take a deep breath and get this ALL out. Be forewarned. This is very emotional stuff. I'm a little drunk and a little pissed off (little is probably an understatement). Take my words with a grain of salt. I say these things because I have been hurt. I probably hurt myself, but I need to get this out. I usually keep posts generic, but I'd rather not be cryptic. I'm not going to make this post private, or even friends only. This is me, getting ALOT of my chest. Here it goes.
Stephanie, could things get any worse between us? I can't even remember how we met, but it's likely I was drunk. I always drink, I have been, and I probably have a problem. Whatever, fuck it. Doesn't change that fact that things have gotten pretty bad. I wish I could take back some of the things I said. Especially what I said (and the stuff I'm about to say). I thought I saw something in your eyes. To this day I don't know exactly what attracted me to you. Sometimes I think I just do this stuff to myself. Maybe I'm obsessed with fixing things. I always end up spilling my guts for someone who might very well hate my guts. I try to be a good friend, I tried to be more. But to this day it pretty much got me nowhere. I won't ever get back the money I spent. I won't ever get time back. I never got the time of day that's for sure. I can't even remember one time I ever got a thank you. I don't do things necessarily to get something in return. I am a nice guy in general, I try to be completely honest. But I think you took advantage of that. I'm sorry for not telling you earlier how much that really bugs me. I kept telling myself, she has alot of stress and other things. She really cares deep down. I wonder if there's any truth to that. Then again, its hard to believe anything that comes out of that mouth. I'm not saying you're a liar. Well actually, there are several times when you lied. Not just to me. I'm sorry that you can't be truthful with people. I don't think I've ever lied to you. If I did it was probably unintentional. Regardless, I am being 100% truthful right now. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I had finally fell in love with a girl that cared. To be honest the first time I met you, I didn't even think twice about you. You were taken, and at first glance I figured you weren't my type. Hell, I don't even know my type. But after getting to know you, things changed. I don't know what it was exactly, but for the first time in a long time I actually felt something. You have to remember that I haven't pursued a relationship of any kind for almost 2 years. Maybe I'm a little rusty, or maybe a little desperate. I want so bad for things to go back to they way they were. But I don't think they can. I've already lost it weeks ago. I'm sure you never meant to hurt me, but indirectly you did. I think one of us was too honest, and one of us was not honest enough. People kept telling me, don't do this; you'll regret it. Maybe I should have listened. For the sake of both of us. I don't regret the time I spent with you, or the money I spent. I regret not doing something about this problem sooner. All the little things just added up, then they multiplied. And I lost it. I'll give you one example of what I'm talking about. I've probably asked you two dozen times how you are doing, 99% of the time all I got back was "fabulous". Sure, probably sarcastic. But I could never get anything more out of you no matter how hard I tried. Obviously your live journal posts prove otherwise. Do you know, to this day I still don't know whats wrong, I still don't know how you feel, and it hurts. I've told you so many things about myself. I've opened wounds I sweared I'd never open. I bought dinner, coffee, clothes, cigarettes, I even got pierced with you. I've written live journal posts the size of short novels, about you. I've talked till my face is blue. I did everything I could to show you I care. At one point I thought I saw something. You were happy, I was happy, everyone was happy. I don't know what went wrong, but it was probably out of our control. I'm not a big fan of karma, but I do believe things happen for a reason. If there is really something there, then it'll work out. If not, then I'll try my best to be a friend. It hard though. And I'm being completely honest. It's hard being your friend. There always seems to be drama, and there's always something bringing you down. I'd ask you for another chance, but you know what? I'm not the one who needs to change. It would take alot of mending before anything like that happens. I've pretty much moved on. I enjoy your friendship, and I fear that I've lost track of what is really important. I apologize for everything. If I would have known things would end up like this I would have just left it at friends. Sorry.
-Emo
Ok I'm going to take a deep breath and get this ALL out. Be forewarned. This is very emotional stuff. I'm a little drunk and a little pissed off (little is probably an understatement). Take my words with a grain of salt. I say these things because I have been hurt. I probably hurt myself, but I need to get this out. I usually keep posts generic, but I'd rather not be cryptic. I'm not going to make this post private, or even friends only. This is me, getting ALOT of my chest. Here it goes.
Stephanie, could things get any worse between us? I can't even remember how we met, but it's likely I was drunk. I always drink, I have been, and I probably have a problem. Whatever, fuck it. Doesn't change that fact that things have gotten pretty bad. I wish I could take back some of the things I said. Especially what I said (and the stuff I'm about to say). I thought I saw something in your eyes. To this day I don't know exactly what attracted me to you. Sometimes I think I just do this stuff to myself. Maybe I'm obsessed with fixing things. I always end up spilling my guts for someone who might very well hate my guts. I try to be a good friend, I tried to be more. But to this day it pretty much got me nowhere. I won't ever get back the money I spent. I won't ever get time back. I never got the time of day that's for sure. I can't even remember one time I ever got a thank you. I don't do things necessarily to get something in return. I am a nice guy in general, I try to be completely honest. But I think you took advantage of that. I'm sorry for not telling you earlier how much that really bugs me. I kept telling myself, she has alot of stress and other things. She really cares deep down. I wonder if there's any truth to that. Then again, its hard to believe anything that comes out of that mouth. I'm not saying you're a liar. Well actually, there are several times when you lied. Not just to me. I'm sorry that you can't be truthful with people. I don't think I've ever lied to you. If I did it was probably unintentional. Regardless, I am being 100% truthful right now. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I had finally fell in love with a girl that cared. To be honest the first time I met you, I didn't even think twice about you. You were taken, and at first glance I figured you weren't my type. Hell, I don't even know my type. But after getting to know you, things changed. I don't know what it was exactly, but for the first time in a long time I actually felt something. You have to remember that I haven't pursued a relationship of any kind for almost 2 years. Maybe I'm a little rusty, or maybe a little desperate. I want so bad for things to go back to they way they were. But I don't think they can. I've already lost it weeks ago. I'm sure you never meant to hurt me, but indirectly you did. I think one of us was too honest, and one of us was not honest enough. People kept telling me, don't do this; you'll regret it. Maybe I should have listened. For the sake of both of us. I don't regret the time I spent with you, or the money I spent. I regret not doing something about this problem sooner. All the little things just added up, then they multiplied. And I lost it. I'll give you one example of what I'm talking about. I've probably asked you two dozen times how you are doing, 99% of the time all I got back was "fabulous". Sure, probably sarcastic. But I could never get anything more out of you no matter how hard I tried. Obviously your live journal posts prove otherwise. Do you know, to this day I still don't know whats wrong, I still don't know how you feel, and it hurts. I've told you so many things about myself. I've opened wounds I sweared I'd never open. I bought dinner, coffee, clothes, cigarettes, I even got pierced with you. I've written live journal posts the size of short novels, about you. I've talked till my face is blue. I did everything I could to show you I care. At one point I thought I saw something. You were happy, I was happy, everyone was happy. I don't know what went wrong, but it was probably out of our control. I'm not a big fan of karma, but I do believe things happen for a reason. If there is really something there, then it'll work out. If not, then I'll try my best to be a friend. It hard though. And I'm being completely honest. It's hard being your friend. There always seems to be drama, and there's always something bringing you down. I'd ask you for another chance, but you know what? I'm not the one who needs to change. It would take alot of mending before anything like that happens. I've pretty much moved on. I enjoy your friendship, and I fear that I've lost track of what is really important. I apologize for everything. If I would have known things would end up like this I would have just left it at friends. Sorry.
-Emo