Larger than life, larger than, you.
I had this immense craving (okay craving sounds weird) to hear Creep by Radiohead on guitar, acoustic style. So i went onto youtube and i found this video. Play it if you're reading on. I'm playing it as i'm typing this out.
I've not been able to study at night for the past few weeks and now i finally understand why. Once a night bird, that advantage has been taken away by sheer fatigue. I've been so tired. And i didn't even realise it until i succumbed to the bed this afternoon and was chained to it as i just dozed in and out of sleep the whole afternoon. Everything's going to end soon, i should feel happy. But i don't. Contrary to that, i feel sad, empty. I can't believe my chance has gone down the drain, i can't forget how much work we've done and i can't erase how disappointed i felt after i walked out of the exam hall paper after paper. It's just a flat finale, one which i can't even lift my head up and walk away from. Away from everything. I know people are fretting about the number of As they're going to get whereas i'm just hoping that a miracle would fall upon me because i know that i will not ace anything. Fucking sad isn't it. I'd like to think that major exams like these are just trashy reflections of your full potential or ability. The A level cert only shows that you hit the grade, it doesn't show how much one had to put in to get those As. Those who will make it are either truly gifted or extremely hardworking, but i am neither. I hate how our education system works. It's designed in such a way that only a few reach the top but everyone's put onto the same stuffy path. So now i'm stuck in a situation where i've been competed away and drained and left behind because i'm not good enough and at the same time, i'm left with nothing. No talent, and i don't even know what i like to do anymore.
These few weeks, this whole year has been nothing but a big adversity test. From day one. I cannot believe how much has happened. I cannot remember how much i've cried. But that's the way isn't it, life is not fair and it will never be so there's no point whining and complaining. The only way is to take it in your stride and keep going. That's how i kept going. No matter how many times i broke down, i stuck post its all over my wall which read, when it is the hardest, just keep going. I told myself that broken or alive, i Had to finish this race. I had no choice. This whole A level phase has been the worst period of my life. Aside everything else, family drama couldn't get worse, couldn't hurt more. And when everyone reverts to their lives, tv, leisure, when everyone has simmered down, i go back to my books. Without recovery, without rest, without comfort. Without the luxury of just crying it out. I remember i cried so much my lids were bruised. It all started even before my first paper and in the midst of it i wasn't spared either. It was so fucking insanely painful. My bio paper was also a joke. I got into the car and i broke down in front of my mum. The demands of the A levels were just crazy. All i remember was going back home, late in the evening and as i stepped into my room with bio notes littered all over, it was dark and the sun was fading. I told myself that i was going to die. And i meant it. I had no idea where i could draw strength from. Strength to let my crushed body and mind recover. I had chem paper 3 the next morning and my prelim grade was pathetic. The best part of everything was that i did nothing, i swear, i did nothing wrong. I was just there to absorb the wrath of the ones in my family. Why. Why take it out on me. Why fucking why. When i can't even handle my own fucking life. Those around were just insensitive, uncaring. Selfish. I spent a whole weekend on econs. All i can say is that i studied mother fucking hard but at the end of the day, i realised that i couldn't even finish one chapter. And all that effort could have really paid off for a decent grade. And so from there, everyday just became a battle. Me, glued to the chair, trying my very best but still failing terribly, while breaking down periodically. I'm not lying when i say that i really felt like there was nothing to live for. Channeling so much effort aimlessly just took its toll on me. But i survived. Even with my parents choosing this period of time to reconstruct the terrace beside my room where the drilling was so loud i couldn't hear myself talking, i survived. Now getting all the As doesn't seem as important anymore. I just want to get out of all this and start a fresh. To run away and sort everything out because i've been doing nothing but pushing thoughts and emotions away into some spare capacity i never knew i had. I told my mum that i almost had no energy to go on and she said, i thought you always had perseverance? And i replied, having perseverance does not mean you do not feel anything, you do feel it, the full impact. But you're able to hold it in and keep going.
I'd like to see myself strong like that. I know i'm weak. I fall easily. But i also know that i'll always keep getting up. Along the way, i thought about how i always had this little bit of fighting spirit in me which never refused to die and this actually caused a lot of pain. Because, i'm always shaken only up to the extent where i've got a little flame left and it doesn't allow me to surrender. Therefore it leaves me hanging there all the time, fighting for my life. It is times like these where i wish i gave up more easily. Everything would be simpler then. I've also always wondered what we become stronger for. We get stronger each time we overcome something and it prepares us for the next adversity. But what are we really preparing for when we're defenseless against death, the last and final blow. Now i'm not sure if i've stopped believing in people because i've been given every reason to.
So yes, i'm waiting for thursday to come. I'll be liberated and i'll be on my way to starting afresh. The air here has been way too stale.
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special.
I don't care if it hurts,
I want to have control.
Goodnight everyone, sorry for all the angst.
Click to viewI've not been able to study at night for the past few weeks and now i finally understand why. Once a night bird, that advantage has been taken away by sheer fatigue. I've been so tired. And i didn't even realise it until i succumbed to the bed this afternoon and was chained to it as i just dozed in and out of sleep the whole afternoon. Everything's going to end soon, i should feel happy. But i don't. Contrary to that, i feel sad, empty. I can't believe my chance has gone down the drain, i can't forget how much work we've done and i can't erase how disappointed i felt after i walked out of the exam hall paper after paper. It's just a flat finale, one which i can't even lift my head up and walk away from. Away from everything. I know people are fretting about the number of As they're going to get whereas i'm just hoping that a miracle would fall upon me because i know that i will not ace anything. Fucking sad isn't it. I'd like to think that major exams like these are just trashy reflections of your full potential or ability. The A level cert only shows that you hit the grade, it doesn't show how much one had to put in to get those As. Those who will make it are either truly gifted or extremely hardworking, but i am neither. I hate how our education system works. It's designed in such a way that only a few reach the top but everyone's put onto the same stuffy path. So now i'm stuck in a situation where i've been competed away and drained and left behind because i'm not good enough and at the same time, i'm left with nothing. No talent, and i don't even know what i like to do anymore.
These few weeks, this whole year has been nothing but a big adversity test. From day one. I cannot believe how much has happened. I cannot remember how much i've cried. But that's the way isn't it, life is not fair and it will never be so there's no point whining and complaining. The only way is to take it in your stride and keep going. That's how i kept going. No matter how many times i broke down, i stuck post its all over my wall which read, when it is the hardest, just keep going. I told myself that broken or alive, i Had to finish this race. I had no choice. This whole A level phase has been the worst period of my life. Aside everything else, family drama couldn't get worse, couldn't hurt more. And when everyone reverts to their lives, tv, leisure, when everyone has simmered down, i go back to my books. Without recovery, without rest, without comfort. Without the luxury of just crying it out. I remember i cried so much my lids were bruised. It all started even before my first paper and in the midst of it i wasn't spared either. It was so fucking insanely painful. My bio paper was also a joke. I got into the car and i broke down in front of my mum. The demands of the A levels were just crazy. All i remember was going back home, late in the evening and as i stepped into my room with bio notes littered all over, it was dark and the sun was fading. I told myself that i was going to die. And i meant it. I had no idea where i could draw strength from. Strength to let my crushed body and mind recover. I had chem paper 3 the next morning and my prelim grade was pathetic. The best part of everything was that i did nothing, i swear, i did nothing wrong. I was just there to absorb the wrath of the ones in my family. Why. Why take it out on me. Why fucking why. When i can't even handle my own fucking life. Those around were just insensitive, uncaring. Selfish. I spent a whole weekend on econs. All i can say is that i studied mother fucking hard but at the end of the day, i realised that i couldn't even finish one chapter. And all that effort could have really paid off for a decent grade. And so from there, everyday just became a battle. Me, glued to the chair, trying my very best but still failing terribly, while breaking down periodically. I'm not lying when i say that i really felt like there was nothing to live for. Channeling so much effort aimlessly just took its toll on me. But i survived. Even with my parents choosing this period of time to reconstruct the terrace beside my room where the drilling was so loud i couldn't hear myself talking, i survived. Now getting all the As doesn't seem as important anymore. I just want to get out of all this and start a fresh. To run away and sort everything out because i've been doing nothing but pushing thoughts and emotions away into some spare capacity i never knew i had. I told my mum that i almost had no energy to go on and she said, i thought you always had perseverance? And i replied, having perseverance does not mean you do not feel anything, you do feel it, the full impact. But you're able to hold it in and keep going.
I'd like to see myself strong like that. I know i'm weak. I fall easily. But i also know that i'll always keep getting up. Along the way, i thought about how i always had this little bit of fighting spirit in me which never refused to die and this actually caused a lot of pain. Because, i'm always shaken only up to the extent where i've got a little flame left and it doesn't allow me to surrender. Therefore it leaves me hanging there all the time, fighting for my life. It is times like these where i wish i gave up more easily. Everything would be simpler then. I've also always wondered what we become stronger for. We get stronger each time we overcome something and it prepares us for the next adversity. But what are we really preparing for when we're defenseless against death, the last and final blow. Now i'm not sure if i've stopped believing in people because i've been given every reason to.
So yes, i'm waiting for thursday to come. I'll be liberated and i'll be on my way to starting afresh. The air here has been way too stale.
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special.
I don't care if it hurts,
I want to have control.
Goodnight everyone, sorry for all the angst.