I Blame The Purple [Smallville, R] 1/?
Title: I Blame The Purple 1/?
Author: all_you_wanted
Pairing: Lex/Clark/Lois
Fandom: Smallville
Rating: R, for language
Challenge: firstline_fic
Prompt: #27
Challenge: wtf27
Prompt: #016; "You see, I woke up gay."
Disclaimer: I own nothing, please don’t sue.
A/N: A cracky evil bunny made me do this. Though this is a SV story, it's maybe more cracky DCU right now (with an obvious nod to Joss), but if the evil bunnies make me write on this more then I'll bring in more of the SV verse and play up the slashy stuff more.
Spoilers/Timeline: future fic
Summary: The day Lex Luthor wakes up gay and made of purple felt is not a good one.
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Some days you just shouldn't get out of bed. Lex Luthor had that one figured out before he'd even opened his eyes.
The previous night's work had been a bust. Not to mention all the years of research and millions of dollars that had been invested in it with nothing to show for it but a big hole in the ground right next to a Lexcorp building sporting an equally large hole.
And all of it was thanks to that no good, neer do well, flying boy scout. Ever since Superman and his league of meddlers had come into the picture, Lex had had to keep more contractors on retainer than he did lawyers. It got expense after a while, especially when they never once offered to pitch in on the bill or at least help with the clean up.
They were 'super' right? Mastering a mop and broom should be a piece of cake.
The image of Superman lifting a steel beam over his head flashed through Lex's mind. The wind ruffling his hair, the sunlight glistening off the sweat on his naked chest as he wore only his cape, red boots and a smile.
Lex jerked himself awake. He'd been have those kind of dreams all night long. Disturbing, erotic, dreams that even more disturbingly seemed all be focused around one particular person.
He'd have Mercy moved his 10 o'clock appointment back an hour and call up one of his 'secretarial' pool girls for a mid-morning fuck and suck, he thought to himself as he reached down to take care of his erection, bound and determined not to come thinking of 'him'.
Whatthe?! His eyes shot open when his hand encountered nothing but a fuzzy feeling bump where his dick had once been. Lex sat up with a start and threw back his covers.
He... He was...
* * *
"Like I said, Mister Luthor isn't taking appointments today." The secretary sounded bored as she repeated herself for the third time.
"And like I said. I'm here..." Clark cleared his throat and Lois rolled her eyes. "We're here for our appointment. Check your books, this is the fifth time in as many months as we've made an appointment to see him and we're not coming back a sixth."
"Like I said..."
"No like I said." Lois shot out, cutting her off. "Now either your boss meets with us now or we go back to our bosses with a big 'no comment' from Lex Luthor for our article on Lexcorp's toxic dumping practices."
The secretary stared at her blankly.
"You know 'no comment' is the same as 'pleading the fifth'. It means he's guilty." Lois tried talking to her again, but the secretary picked up a ringing phone on her desk and turning her back on them ignored them in favor of chatting with the caller about what had happened between Sami and EJ on Days the week before.
Clark got between them before Lois could lunge at the back turned woman. He'd been following the women as he been following all the other on goings in the building. He heard office gossip about who was sleeping with who in accounting, a pitch for a new line of gatorade based drinks for your pets in marketing, some scientists training chimps to play Warcraft in one of the research labs and in his office, Lex was barking at some one about something being gone. It was weird. He could hear Lex as clear as a bell, but he couldn't seem to 'see' him. There was no x-ray vision of a skeleton anywhere in the room.
It was like Lex had somehow turned invisible.
He motioned to his partner the door to Lex's office. A few wide eyed head points between the back turned secretary and the unguarded door later and they were on their were on the other side of the door and on the way to their story, once again.
* * *
"And purple! Goddamn eggplant purple!" Lex yelled at the speaker phone across the room. Pouring himself a scotch, his hand trembled so much that he got more out of the glass than in. He looked around for a towel to wipe up the mess but found there was none in stock.
He'd fire his maid after he finished firing his R & D team.
Using his arm, he mopped up the mess. Great now he was gonna smell like a wino on top of every thing else. He sighed. Could this day possibly get any worse?
The door to his office opened and in walked Lois Lane.
Lex jumped for the phone on his desk, hitting the off button and knocking the desk lamp with what he thought was his hip. The bulb in it broke and instantly the room went darker.
"Lex?"
"I thought I told my secretary I wasn't taking appointments today?" He hid behind his desk. He'd fire her after the maid and R & D guys.
"You did. But like I told her, I'm not." There was a cough and he hear Lois groan. "We're not leaving until we have a quote from you on...-"
"We?"
"Clark's here too."
"Clark?" Lex's voice went up in pitch and volume. Moving his chair out, he crawled under his desk. "Go away. Both of you."
"Are you hiding under your desk?"
He could hear the click of Lois's heels on the floor. "I'll call security." He threatened. "On both of you."
"From what, the phone you have stashed under your desk." She snickered. Lex wondered if there was anyway he could have her fired along with with maid, secretary and R & D departments. "Come on out Lex." The chair to his desk was pulled back and a tiny light shined in his eyes.
"What the..."She dropped her pen light and stood there, shell shocked and suddenly speechless. It was a first. Clark watched, wondering what in the world had managed to mute Lois "the mouth" Lane.
"Clark, get the lights?" He did and walking around the desk to join her, he saw for himself the reason for her shock and awe.
Sitting under the desk was a small, purple felt covered version of Lex Luthor.
* * *