(: Advice Wanted :)
Hi everyone, I'm Nicole and my boyfriend's name is Jon a.k.a. - sinner_dreamer . I love him so much. I met Jon in late January and before I met him, I had never believed someone could fall in love in such the short time that I fell in love with Jon. When I first met him, I knew I wanted to be his girl and within days I knew I loved him, although it scared the holy crap outta me. It was hard for me to let myself "go".. But I fell hard for him. Some people thought it was just "lust", but I knew better. I loved this man. Well, I moved in with him in March and then we broke up in June by my choice... but first I want to mention that he and I went through so many "couple issues" from January to June than most couples go through in years. When I left Jon in June, it hurt at first, but I thought it was for the best. I started to date someone else and didnt have much contact with Jon. But then with Josh, the guy I dated after Jon... i'd get so frustrated with him because he didnt do the things Jon did, he didnt treat me the way Jon did, he didnt make me feel the way Jon did, and he didnt understand me the way Jon did. So I broke up with him, and I was single for a while. I missed Jon so much, so I called him up one day. We ended up getting back together and I fell in love with him all over again. This happenned around the middle of July. We moved back in together and were still together now.
But heres where I want the advice... it's not so much an issue about love, its more like self-esteem. I love Jon with all my heart. I want to marry him someday... But I've got this issue I need to take care of first. Since I was 12 years old I've had weight issues. I've never been really fat or anything, I just am not skinny enough. I was bulimic for 2 yrs. + when I was 16 & 17. I did feel "better" when I was skinnier, but even at 5'3 and 110 pounds, I felt "fat". Even when I see pictures I still criticize myself at that weight. I'm now about 127. It doesnt matter if I'm with Jon or alone, when I see a girl thats got a better body than me I get this feeling in my heart that hurts. It feels like I'm being told to my face that I'm fat and ugly. I compare myself to other girls constantly and I hate it. I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I feel like going back to throwing up all the time. This is something that I dont know how to fix and its something I want to stop-- for myself. But I also want to get better because it affects my relationship with Jon. I get depressed when we go to bars because I end up feeling fat and getting in a bad mood. I even accuse Jon of wanting to be with someone skinnier and shit like that. I know in my heart that he does love me and thinks I'm beautiful, but when I get that "fat" feeling I feel like "i dont know why he would be with me instead of that skinny girl". I feel like i'm not good enough. Its hard for me to even watch fashion shows and things because I start to feel down about myself. Like I said, I'm not fat... but I'm not skinny enough. 99.9% of the time though, thank God, it doesnt affect our sex life. Jon and I have great sex, but in certain positions I get really self-conscious and I make him change positions.
Well, I hope someone can give me some tips on being comfy in my own skin... and maybe some tricks to bite my tongue when I feel miserable about myself. :( Thanx