I'm sick and tierd of being sick and tierd.
It's 9/11 and to most people that means alot. It also means that Kristy turned 21 today. Yep today is Kristy Foster's birthday.
I should be happy, I should be smiling. My beautiful little man woke me up singing today "happy birthday to you Mommy" it was Nice.
I woke up at Tony's today. Tony has been clean and doing so good. I will admitt I belived it would be like the other times, the phone calls, the threats,the drama. but nope, he goes to a meeting everyday, he bought a new car, he's starting to help with Ezra a little more. He is normal, for lack of better word.
I on the other hand, I am lost, im tierd and I'm done.
I long for some brief feeling of normal. Some short period of time where I'm back to the point where I was a few months ago,well longer than that. When I was in therapy, when I took my meds, when I made my life work for me.
I'm sick of looking back and wanting to smake myself, I'm sick of wondering why I do what I do. Im done being exhausted all the time, menatlly and physiclly. I want to laugh and smile and most of all be content. I so badly want to look at my watch, know I have to be to therapy in a few and walk into his office tell him everything and have him listen and give advice.
Living here with my mother in this situation, I will always be where Im at now, I think this has been made clear.I have to get out. This enviroment is poision. Tony's mother had offered to set me up in my own apartment, she will get me in I will pay the bills each month. Holy shit the though of living on my own terrifies me, I would have no clue what to do.
Theres 100 clear reason that I woke up here today and not my house. I clearly needed to get away from the drama, away from the noise, the stress of which is routine in my everyday life. To have no worries, no fights no fears. But here I am wondering what to do with myself, not feeling at ease in my own skin.
I need to sleep, my body feels tierd, but I couldnt sleep if I tried. I feel sad like I need to cry but I couldnt tell you why.I need a vaction, A break, I need a friend. A real one that will listen, not judge, just let me cry, let me be honest, and let me sleep, and maybe stand beside me while I try to piece together what I have done here, just so for once I dont feel so god damn alone, like Im doing this all on my own.
Happy birthday to me.
I should be happy, I should be smiling. My beautiful little man woke me up singing today "happy birthday to you Mommy" it was Nice.
I woke up at Tony's today. Tony has been clean and doing so good. I will admitt I belived it would be like the other times, the phone calls, the threats,the drama. but nope, he goes to a meeting everyday, he bought a new car, he's starting to help with Ezra a little more. He is normal, for lack of better word.
I on the other hand, I am lost, im tierd and I'm done.
I long for some brief feeling of normal. Some short period of time where I'm back to the point where I was a few months ago,well longer than that. When I was in therapy, when I took my meds, when I made my life work for me.
I'm sick of looking back and wanting to smake myself, I'm sick of wondering why I do what I do. Im done being exhausted all the time, menatlly and physiclly. I want to laugh and smile and most of all be content. I so badly want to look at my watch, know I have to be to therapy in a few and walk into his office tell him everything and have him listen and give advice.
Living here with my mother in this situation, I will always be where Im at now, I think this has been made clear.I have to get out. This enviroment is poision. Tony's mother had offered to set me up in my own apartment, she will get me in I will pay the bills each month. Holy shit the though of living on my own terrifies me, I would have no clue what to do.
Theres 100 clear reason that I woke up here today and not my house. I clearly needed to get away from the drama, away from the noise, the stress of which is routine in my everyday life. To have no worries, no fights no fears. But here I am wondering what to do with myself, not feeling at ease in my own skin.
I need to sleep, my body feels tierd, but I couldnt sleep if I tried. I feel sad like I need to cry but I couldnt tell you why.I need a vaction, A break, I need a friend. A real one that will listen, not judge, just let me cry, let me be honest, and let me sleep, and maybe stand beside me while I try to piece together what I have done here, just so for once I dont feel so god damn alone, like Im doing this all on my own.
Happy birthday to me.