Just a bunch of stuff
Ok it's been a little while so I will touch base with a few things.
The other day I got a letter in the mail from my mother's ex husband, my ex step father Johnny.I'm not going into detail why this bothers me so bad, cause if you are anything to me than you already know why. I got that horrible sick feeling when I saw the envelope, its been like 4 years since the last time I saw him, four years since the HUGE confrontation where I finally put him in his place and let him know he didnt scare me, he lost and he might as well leave. It was the very next morning he did leave.Fear is a great motivatior, fear can make people do just about anything. Fear can make a young scared girl not tell on her step dad. Fear is a very powerfull motivatior, Johnny learned this, what the dipshit failed to learn in all his years in prison was that while fear is a great motivator, it's a temporary motivator, and that is important to know. Out of fear I never told on him, out of fear I never hit him back and out of fear I never stopped him from hitting my mom, not that I really could have. But after a while as people will do I know longer was motivated from the fear, I was pissed off by it. The last time he hit me and my mom was the last time I saw him. I was no longer afraid, I was pissed and I just let him have it, my mom was so shocked she just sat there and he was so shocked he didn't know what to do. As wierd as it sounds for once the roles were reversed and it was me looking at him seeing how scared he was. The police were called and I left, the next day all his shit was gone and I havnt heard a thing since. Until the letter. I opened it up the other night and all it said was "I am always Johnny P. and than his last name. thats it nothing else. For a second I was scared than I just though. I know exactly who he is, he is a cowared, a petofile, a meth addict, a wife beater and a pussy who got his ass kicked by a 16 year old girl.I know the main point of the letter was to let me know that he knows where I'm at, I'm ok with that, I think. I have had a lot of time to get over the shit that happened to me, I had alot of time to let go of the anger and hate I had built up, and It took a long time to learn that through the anger and pain he was controlling my life. I let it all go, and now Im happier. I basiclly had to just remind myself of this that night, recieveing the letter dosn't change anything, he still is nothing to me, he is still powerless.
My mother recieved a letter too, hers was just point blank saying sign divorce papers. Than today in a notebook I saw a letter she was writting back to him, she was basiclly bitching about him not asking her how her life was. I was so confused, why the fuck would she want him to ask? I can't spend all my time wondering that though I will never understand, It's just so sad, she is sick. I dont think my mother will ever truly be happy, and that scares me, I don't want to be like that. Honeslty looking at my mom scares me I'm so afraid sometimes that I will end up like her, I couldn't imagine that.
I caught her crying looking at pictures of her and I and Johnny. I asked why and she just kept saying that it was like a bad dream, she was so sick, so unhealthy. She says she spent all her time just trying to maintian peace between Johnny and I so we would be happy, I cant begine to see where she gets that from, I'm sure somehow in her mind she thinks this, but how could she not see that wasn't possible? Why would you want to be with a man that did everything he did anyway. The anwser is simple, she dosn't want to be alone, but I would rather be alone than go through the shit she went through. It's the only way she knows how to live though, as sick as it is thats the only way she feels safe.
Ok I'm rabling now...
Also more great news lol, I fell down a flight of stairs! My back is all fucked up, it looks gross. I'm in alot of pain, but I'm only taking tylenol 3, no narcotices. thats a good thing. I had to go to the E.R, they did abunch of test, cat scans and shit. I was there forever. I'm getting better though.
I should start my job soon, I'm just waiting on all the tests to clear.
Ezras party was awesome! He loved it, thanks to eveyone who came, it was great.
Ok I'm going to get ready to go get my little man from daycare, and than head to Anderson park, I love it there!
more later......
The other day I got a letter in the mail from my mother's ex husband, my ex step father Johnny.I'm not going into detail why this bothers me so bad, cause if you are anything to me than you already know why. I got that horrible sick feeling when I saw the envelope, its been like 4 years since the last time I saw him, four years since the HUGE confrontation where I finally put him in his place and let him know he didnt scare me, he lost and he might as well leave. It was the very next morning he did leave.Fear is a great motivatior, fear can make people do just about anything. Fear can make a young scared girl not tell on her step dad. Fear is a very powerfull motivatior, Johnny learned this, what the dipshit failed to learn in all his years in prison was that while fear is a great motivator, it's a temporary motivator, and that is important to know. Out of fear I never told on him, out of fear I never hit him back and out of fear I never stopped him from hitting my mom, not that I really could have. But after a while as people will do I know longer was motivated from the fear, I was pissed off by it. The last time he hit me and my mom was the last time I saw him. I was no longer afraid, I was pissed and I just let him have it, my mom was so shocked she just sat there and he was so shocked he didn't know what to do. As wierd as it sounds for once the roles were reversed and it was me looking at him seeing how scared he was. The police were called and I left, the next day all his shit was gone and I havnt heard a thing since. Until the letter. I opened it up the other night and all it said was "I am always Johnny P. and than his last name. thats it nothing else. For a second I was scared than I just though. I know exactly who he is, he is a cowared, a petofile, a meth addict, a wife beater and a pussy who got his ass kicked by a 16 year old girl.I know the main point of the letter was to let me know that he knows where I'm at, I'm ok with that, I think. I have had a lot of time to get over the shit that happened to me, I had alot of time to let go of the anger and hate I had built up, and It took a long time to learn that through the anger and pain he was controlling my life. I let it all go, and now Im happier. I basiclly had to just remind myself of this that night, recieveing the letter dosn't change anything, he still is nothing to me, he is still powerless.
My mother recieved a letter too, hers was just point blank saying sign divorce papers. Than today in a notebook I saw a letter she was writting back to him, she was basiclly bitching about him not asking her how her life was. I was so confused, why the fuck would she want him to ask? I can't spend all my time wondering that though I will never understand, It's just so sad, she is sick. I dont think my mother will ever truly be happy, and that scares me, I don't want to be like that. Honeslty looking at my mom scares me I'm so afraid sometimes that I will end up like her, I couldn't imagine that.
I caught her crying looking at pictures of her and I and Johnny. I asked why and she just kept saying that it was like a bad dream, she was so sick, so unhealthy. She says she spent all her time just trying to maintian peace between Johnny and I so we would be happy, I cant begine to see where she gets that from, I'm sure somehow in her mind she thinks this, but how could she not see that wasn't possible? Why would you want to be with a man that did everything he did anyway. The anwser is simple, she dosn't want to be alone, but I would rather be alone than go through the shit she went through. It's the only way she knows how to live though, as sick as it is thats the only way she feels safe.
Ok I'm rabling now...
Also more great news lol, I fell down a flight of stairs! My back is all fucked up, it looks gross. I'm in alot of pain, but I'm only taking tylenol 3, no narcotices. thats a good thing. I had to go to the E.R, they did abunch of test, cat scans and shit. I was there forever. I'm getting better though.
I should start my job soon, I'm just waiting on all the tests to clear.
Ezras party was awesome! He loved it, thanks to eveyone who came, it was great.
Ok I'm going to get ready to go get my little man from daycare, and than head to Anderson park, I love it there!
more later......