It's not an easy problem
Who: Javeri and T'mic with Aath
Where: Waterfall pool
When: Afternoon on day 7, month 1, turn 19
What: Javeri happens across Mic and Aath and they engage in conversation. Mic and Veri, not Aath. He tries to help her with her between problem. She tries so very hard not to say the name of his weyrmate.
A winter afternoon means little on Ista Island - the weather is beautiful, and even a week after Turnover people are wandering around in as little clothing as they can manage. T'mic isn't one of them - that is, he's not wandering around, though he is in not much clothing. He's plastered firmly to Aath's side instead, applying oil with both care and love, the towels and tidbits of a successful (and past) bath scattered around the sunny clearing.
The weather is what makes Javeri such a proud Istan native. The fact the weather leads to people wearing little in the way of clothes is clearly just a bonus. She is, actually, wandering. Returning from a visit to the Sandbar she takes her time and meanders about like there's nowhere else she needs to be. Having been to the beach she's doing her meandering with no shoes on and in her beach gear of bikini top and little shorts. Best way to get free drinks and to enjoy the heat without burning up. Then her feet bring her to the pool where a greenrider and his dragon seem to be enjoying the weather as well.
Javeri's not so lost in thought she misses the fact someone is with her and her eyes lift up to see exactly who it is she's wandered up on. The end of one braid gets sucked into her mouth and she almost goes on her way, but instead clears her throat so very softly. Like maybe if it's almost easy to not hear he won't hear and she can always say she tried later.
T'mic murmurs sweet nothings to Aath without shame, his hands caressing her like they would a lover, leaving streaks and glimmers of oil behind. As such, /he/ isn't the first one to notice they aren't alone: Aath is. She curves her neck at Javeri though there's no Chadamalith in sight; a couple of seconds later Mic pushes up from her and turns with one of his brilliant smiles to the weyrling. "Afternoon, Javeri." A nod to her clothing, or what there is of it. "Enjoying the weather?"
Drat. He heard. Although there's nothing but a smile on Javeri's face when Aath notices her and then when Mic looks a moment later. "Hello," she says with that same smile in place. "I like winter weather. If only because I can selfishly glee over others being miserable in snow and ice." Shaking her head she tucks a braid behind her ears. "Like poor Sooz. She's freezing to death over at Fort right now. I went for a walk in her honor."
"I woulda gone to Fort for Paddy," the greenrider says with a wry twist to his lips, "But I know what you mean. Snow just isn't /right/." Aath makes the tiniest of noises and Mic grins back at her, jerks his head to invite Javeri over while he returns to a more publicly appropriate version of what he was doing before. "How's wing shadowing going? Which one d'you like best so far?"
"Snow is definitely wrong," Javeri agrees as she moves closer so he can get back to what he's doing. "Even if you'd moved there you could always travel to get away from the weather come winter." She picks a spot to sit near enough to talk, but not close enough to be in the way. "Wing shadowing? It's going pretty good. Chadamalith's been...fine after the first. Keeps his thoughts to himself after getting us yelled at." Shoulders shrug before she gives her ad a shake. "Don't think I have a like best so far. Still just trying to keep in the game."
T'mic makes more of a production of simply oiling than he needs to - there's no simple bucket of oil and handful of old rags, but a prettily painted bowl on a gauzy scarf and oil straight from his hand to Aath's side. He glances over while moving the whole shebang down a bit. "Yeah?" Encouraging, not dismissive. "So... oh, tell me what you think of Spinnaker. Or what Chadamalith thinks of Spinnaker."
Whatever opinions Javeri might have of T'mic's oiling methods she keeps them to herself. She watches, some of the time, but most of the time she's looking around or even upwards. It might be movement overhead that tracks her gaze like maybe there's a dragon making lazy circles around the island on the thermals. "Oh, umm, I don't know. I mean...I haven't thought about it a lot." She may not have, but there's a pause and again she looks overhead before saying with a sigh, "Chadamalith's bored with them." Not thrilled to admit it, but there you go. "He thinks they don't do anything real interesting."
The greenrider keeps his peace and waits her out, putting oil to hand and hand to hide, and if he murmurs to his dragon he keeps an eye on the weyrling while he does it. "Might want to think about it," he suggests, still with no censure. "You two could end up flying with A'mon in a couple of months. Does he like Tsunami or Tempest better?"
"I know that," Javeri says of their time being almost up. If there's a little strain in her voice she does her best to mask it well. "We haven't shadowed Tempest yet. With Tsunami now and we're told that's where we're going next. He likes them. But he likes anything that keeps him closer to his current green of choice." Her eyes roll at this, but any sighing is silent as her attention shifts upwards once more.
"Tsunami and Tempest are - were paired," Mic says, though Javeri's read the essays and knows it already. As if recognizing this he snorts, once, tips a grin over at her and dips his hand back in the oil bowl. "'Green of choice' - he's been chasing, hasn't he? Is it chasing-chasing, or just flying after? They're, what...." Math isn't his strong suit and the dates aren't scribed on Aath's leg, nor anywhere else he glances. "Well, I know he isn't a turn yet. So he's pretty young."
"Green of choice," Javeri repeats and this time there is a groan. "He is young, but that hasn't stopped him. He started chasing...shells. Remember Gia? She was in the weyrling group before us. Her Pinnereth went up about month 12. He went up after her." Picking at a thread that's about to become a loose thread on her shorts she watches her fingers carefully so she doesn't have to be looking anywhere else. "Since then he's gone up about every other seven. But there's always a green he has his eye on. Until she gives him the time of day."
T'mic's eyebrows know Gia, but Balinne's assistant - once B'ryce's assistant - doesn't say if he does or not. "Hmm," he says instead. "Well, I'm sure Paddy's talked to you about keeping him down, if you want to - he wouldn't mind giving you a refresher, if you wanted it." All very light, very friendly, and without an iota of censure at the brownrider's name. "But he only likes the ones who don't like him back? Heh - don't have to worry about Aath, then. The more attention Aath gets from her males, the better."
Javeri's head shakes quickly as she says, "I don't need a refresher. Really, we're doing fine. I can handle every other seven. Other than wanting to punch things when he loses. It could be a lot worse. I couldn't handle, like, as much as some of the others go up." She sighs and looks at Aath. "It's got to be easier with a green. You know when she'll go up and you know what will happen. With Chadamalith it's just not knowing. I don't really like that part, but we have a deal. He leaves me be and doesn't try to interrupt what I do and I don't try to keep him back all the time. It's not fair to him." And for his interest in non-interested greens she can only groan and say, "He doesn't just like them, but they turn his head most. Almost got him attacked too the idiot."
"All right," Mic says, as if he'd just asked about the weather instead of flights. "I don't know about -easier-, but it's different. Aath's got a cycle; some don't. The first few times, until I figured that out, were, uh... distracting." He punctuates this with a fond snort which Aath utterly ignores. "And there's a difference between "I don't keep him down at all" and "I don't keep him back all the time". You said it was both. Which is it?"
"There are some people I'd rather not wind up in bed with is all," Javeri says with an even tone. Holder instincts making her uncomfortable about this conversation especially having it with him. "For one thing my mother is here. I'm just trying real hard not to keep him from having his fun. I wish sometimes he wanted to have less fun, but that's just wishing. It's not-" Tugging on her braids she watches her beads trying to sort out what it is not. "It's not something I'd want to change. That's all. I wish he'd waited like the others. I wish he weren't so interested. I hope he doesn't start chasing more. But it's all wishing and hoping and not anything I'm going to get stressed over when I've got enough as it is."
"There's one way things are different for greenriders," Mic notes idly. "Other'n asking people not to be around, I don't have any say in who chases Aath." Or potentially who he ends up bedding. The rest of her words, though, bring him around to face her, wiping his oiliest hand on Aath distractedly. "What would you want him to wait for, though? I mean, do you see yourself deciding that yup, you think he's old enough, you're whatever enough, and he can chase now? For that matter," he adds, struck by this interesting thought, "What -would- you wait for? If you had the choice?"
The point is conceded with a nod of Javeri's head as to the difference. "You're right about that," she says. And then he asks all those questions and she has to think of all the answers and it takes some doing. Pulling her legs up she tucks them against her chest and tips her head back to stare at the sky. "I don't know," she says slowly as her arms wrap around her legs. "I just...I wasn't ready for it. Lessons don't exactly prepare you for the actual thing so much. I'm glad it's done and over. The first time. I don't have to deal with it again. It was an utter disaster. I would never be ready for that. But that's it. I would never be ready for the first time because it's just something new and..." Shaking her head she lowers her voice. "I'm horrid at new things."
T'mic says, "Don't know that anyone's really that great at them. That's why they're called 'new'. If they weren't, they'd be called," wait for it, "'Old'." Wisdom and humor equally dispensed, Mic gives up entirely on oiling for now but only so he can lean back against his green, as comfortable as if he's in his own bed. Conversationally, "I wasn't really ready when Aath went up, either. Not the first time. Had no idea of what was going on - with me, with her, any of it. But you get the first time out of the way, and then you can decide if you want to try it again, now that you know what's going on."
"I know people that are. I'm not one of them." Javeri's still spending her time looking up at the sky. Maybe at her hands. Maybe at the water, but certainly not anywhere that might give her direct eye contact with the leaning greenrider. "But it's not like that. Not with him. Not with...with all this." Her arms break free of each other to wave around at the world. "There's some things you can't decide to never do again. There's some things you just have to...to do. No matter what."
"Well, that's true," Mic admits, even if he doesn't look entirely certain of what all Javeri's talking about. "Do you have anything specific in mind?"
Rocking forward Javeri stands up and brushes herself off. She's not on her way off, but she's wandering. Pacing around like she's trapped in a cage. "All of it. It's not that I want it to be different. I wouldn't give Chadamalith up for the world. Even when he's a pain and even though I don't have furniture and all that." Crossing her arms over her chest she wanders to the edge of the pool to stare at the water. "I'm just sick to death of being scared all the time."
Javeri's pacing and Mic stays still, content merely to watch her roam. "That's fair enough." The pool laps peacefully, as it's wont to do, and nothing reaches out to drag Javeri under. "You want to talk about it? I can just listen, if it'll help, or I can try to help you find answers, if you want that too."
Which is a right shame. There's never any tentacled monsters when you need one! Without a slimy beast to save her Javeri just kicks at the ground and continues to stare downwards. "What answers?" she asks with a tiny laugh. "I keep thinking there'll be answers and there's not. All this time and no one's had an answer. I just keep doing what needs doing. That's all."
"Well, maybe that's your answer," Mic says, watching as he balances one foot atop the other. After a second, though, and once he's built a successful foot-tower, he glances over, trying out another grin. "Honest, though, Javeri - I'm not that bright. All your talk of 'some things' and 'some people' and 'what needs doing', and I'm not even sure what we're talking about. If you want me to help you - and I'd love to try and help you - you gotta give me a topic. Somewhere to start."
"It's not like I'm that bright either," Javeri admits as she turns around and shrugs. "It's not easy having someone in your head smarter than you." She drops down onto the ground again in case that pool monster materializes to drag her under. Or maybe she can just fall in and drown! "Five months," she finally says only looking somewhat embarrassed. "Five months since we had to go between. And I still have nightmares about it. I still can't do it without being scared. Every single time."
With a twitch of his head that's probably meant to stand in for a jerk over his shoulder Mic admits without any shame, "Aath plays me in circles. --Between? All right. S'pretty sharding scary. What scares you about it? The darkness? The cold?" A heartbeat's hesitation and he wonders curiously, "Did you ever go between before you'd Impressed?"
"Stupid philosopher. I am so glad he has Jekzith to talk to." The first time she's mentioned him and it may not be mentioning his rider, but it's enough to make her blush just a bit under her tan. And Javeri may not want to talk about between, but she sure doesn't want to talk about something else. "Umm. No. Not before. I'd been on a dragon a couple times, but it was straight flying from here to the hold is all." If she's talking about it she's sure not thrilled about it and her words drag out slowly. "It's not the dark only I hate the dark now too not just there. Cold mostly. I'm not used to cold. It feels wrong. And it's all...nothing. Like nothing just waiting to grab you and make you nothing too."
"C'mere?" Mic invites, giving the grass beside him a pat. Not that Javeri isn't already comfortably settled, but that doesn't stop him from doing it. "All right, it's the dark -and- the cold -and- the feeling that it's not right. Do I have it?"
Comfortable as she is since there's no chance drowning to save her Javeri gives up the poolside seat and stands to go and sit down again this time by Mic. "Mostly the cold. And the whole...empty, yea. The dark isn't so bad. Not really. It's cold and alone though."
T'mic beams at her like she's now given him his heart's desire. "All right. You know you aren't alone, right? Even if you can't feel him with you here," he pats his own leg, "he's always with you here." Finger to temple. "Can you think of that before or during, or is it too big for you to think of anything else?"
The smile in return is a little less, a whole lot less, but it's there at least for a moment. Javeri tucks her hands into her lap and idly toys with a loose thread once more. "I know. I know it all in my head. I know he's great at visualization. He was almost too good at first. And I can do it. And he wouldn't let anything happen to me I know. But there's still just...it's too much."
"Close your eyes," P'draig's weyrmate urges, reaching over with one hand to try and capture her thread-picking fingers. "Close your eyes and don't think of anything, just for a second."
Blinking several times now she looks over and stares not quite suspiciously at him. But then she looks away and Javeri's eyes close although her fingers don't want to stop what they're doing. They will, but it takes a second between his touch and her fingers giving up. The not thinking part may be harder, but there's nothing he can do to stop that.
"Good," he tells her once that moment's passed, his voice low and calm. His hand doesn't do anything untoward, only cups over her fingers, stilling them. "Now. Don't open your eyes, and don't reach for him, but where's Chadamalith?"
Since her fingers cannot fiddle one foot twitches just a little bit. Toes wiggle on the ground as Javeri says, "He's over the jungle. Flying real low." Likely fruit hunting fruitless a hunt as that may be.
T'mic says, "And you could have told me right where he was even if he was at Telgar, Faranth forbid," laughter in his voice now as he gives her hands a pat and leans back. "I could blindfold you and set you down half a dozen miles from him, and you could walk straight to his side. --Well," he amends, teasing laughter even stronger, "Assuming you didn't walk into a tree first. He can't ever leave you; you can't ever leave him. You're never alone. Not any more.""
"I don't know why he'd go to Telgar," Javeri says with a snort. "There's no fruit there this time of year." Quite likely she's become intimately aware of the growing season for anything categorized as fruit. She laughs too, but just for a minute before shaking her head. "That just means if I screw up that I screw us both up. That I let him down." Like it's that easy!
"S'why I said 'Faranth forbid'," Mic retorts with an easy-going snort. "You're assuming he'll -let- you screw up. Didn't you just tell me he's scary-good at visualization? And anyway, you're leaping ahead of me. Point is, you can't ever be alone, even Between, 'cause Chadamalith's there with you."
Javeri says, "He is, yea," Javeri answers with some pride. "He's never let me down." The unspoken yet remains just that. Unspoken. "We're together, I know. I know. It's why I have no table." Darn the lack of table! It will forever be a sore spot. "I know he's there. He tries hard to make sure I know he's there.""
"I have no idea what you're talking about with this table thing," Mic admits, settling back against Aath's leg with a grin. "And - don't take this wrong, or anything - but I don't think you /do/ know it. Not like you know that, oh, water's wet, or the ground is down. I think that's why you're still nervous about Between, and I think that's why he still has to make sure you know it. You just said he's still trying hard to tell you he's there for you."
"It's nothing," Javeri mumbles thus relegating the whole table thing to the waste bin of conversational topics. Slumping forward she sits silent. "Because I'm scared that's all. He just...he's more there when I am scared is all. Not that he's not when I am not. He's just...I don't know. I know he's there."
T'mic reaches out to try and capture her hands again. "He loves you, Javeri," he says, all his usual laughter gone from his voice, leaving it quiet and full of empathy. "He loves you, and he doesn't want anything bad to happen to you. Ever. He's never going to leave you, and you're never going to leave him." Baldly the greenrider states these facts - not like he's trying to convince her of something, but like he's stating that the ground is down, and water is wet. Simple.
Her hand is there for catching because she's now using her foot to fidget. And for once there's very little for her to say. Javeri who's usually quite happy thank you to natter on just sits in silence and tries to figure out exactly what it is that is being said. Because he had to use the l-word of course and that leaves her with nothing to say. So, rather than say something she just sits. Quietly. Not a word comes forth.
Mic gives her hand the gentlest of shakes, like he's trying not to wake up a grumpy bear. "Javeri?"
"It's not that easy," she finally says since her silence was invaded. Javeri lets out a rather loud sigh before she turns her head to give a not so believable smile to him. "Thanks. I know you're trying to help and I appreciate it. I truly do. It's just not that easy. I should get going though. I've completely interrupted your afternoon haven't I?"
"Annnd you close me out again," he says with a smile that isn't one, but he does back off, both literally and figuratively, releasing her hand and leaning away just enough to release the pressure on her. "I can only help as much as you let me, Javeri. That's exactly how much Chadamalith can help you, too. And you're not an interruption. Three in the morning, middle of lunch, I'm here for you, whatever you need." But his chin tilts in a silent 'go ahead', freeing her to rise and make her escape.
"At least I'm good at something," Javeri says when he makes his first remark. If there was anything more sad in her tone than there was she'd be all weepy, but she's not. The bluerider doesn't leap up right away to run off but she gathers herself up to leave anyway. Without thinking about it she leans over to give an impulsive hug. Then she stands up. "Thanks. Really. It's not that- I just need to go think is all. Umm. Maybe next time we can go get a drink or something and talk. Or not. I mean whatever. I'll see you later."
T'mic greets this sally with the humor it deserves - that is, very little - and just watches her out of the corner of his eye. This means he's not surprised by the hug, when it comes, and he reciprocates without lingering. "Sure," he agrees without rising, letting her get on with things but not brushing her off, either. "A drink'd be good - maybe back at my place. And I meant what I said: any time, any reason. You aren't a bother."
And she seems to have forgotten she was just at the beach because when Javeri leaves that's where she heads. But then that's where Chadamalith's landed so there's good reason. If there's no spring in her step like when she arrived at least she's not running away. Considering her last serious conversation here that's a step up.
Where: Waterfall pool
When: Afternoon on day 7, month 1, turn 19
What: Javeri happens across Mic and Aath and they engage in conversation. Mic and Veri, not Aath. He tries to help her with her between problem. She tries so very hard not to say the name of his weyrmate.
A winter afternoon means little on Ista Island - the weather is beautiful, and even a week after Turnover people are wandering around in as little clothing as they can manage. T'mic isn't one of them - that is, he's not wandering around, though he is in not much clothing. He's plastered firmly to Aath's side instead, applying oil with both care and love, the towels and tidbits of a successful (and past) bath scattered around the sunny clearing.
The weather is what makes Javeri such a proud Istan native. The fact the weather leads to people wearing little in the way of clothes is clearly just a bonus. She is, actually, wandering. Returning from a visit to the Sandbar she takes her time and meanders about like there's nowhere else she needs to be. Having been to the beach she's doing her meandering with no shoes on and in her beach gear of bikini top and little shorts. Best way to get free drinks and to enjoy the heat without burning up. Then her feet bring her to the pool where a greenrider and his dragon seem to be enjoying the weather as well.
Javeri's not so lost in thought she misses the fact someone is with her and her eyes lift up to see exactly who it is she's wandered up on. The end of one braid gets sucked into her mouth and she almost goes on her way, but instead clears her throat so very softly. Like maybe if it's almost easy to not hear he won't hear and she can always say she tried later.
T'mic murmurs sweet nothings to Aath without shame, his hands caressing her like they would a lover, leaving streaks and glimmers of oil behind. As such, /he/ isn't the first one to notice they aren't alone: Aath is. She curves her neck at Javeri though there's no Chadamalith in sight; a couple of seconds later Mic pushes up from her and turns with one of his brilliant smiles to the weyrling. "Afternoon, Javeri." A nod to her clothing, or what there is of it. "Enjoying the weather?"
Drat. He heard. Although there's nothing but a smile on Javeri's face when Aath notices her and then when Mic looks a moment later. "Hello," she says with that same smile in place. "I like winter weather. If only because I can selfishly glee over others being miserable in snow and ice." Shaking her head she tucks a braid behind her ears. "Like poor Sooz. She's freezing to death over at Fort right now. I went for a walk in her honor."
"I woulda gone to Fort for Paddy," the greenrider says with a wry twist to his lips, "But I know what you mean. Snow just isn't /right/." Aath makes the tiniest of noises and Mic grins back at her, jerks his head to invite Javeri over while he returns to a more publicly appropriate version of what he was doing before. "How's wing shadowing going? Which one d'you like best so far?"
"Snow is definitely wrong," Javeri agrees as she moves closer so he can get back to what he's doing. "Even if you'd moved there you could always travel to get away from the weather come winter." She picks a spot to sit near enough to talk, but not close enough to be in the way. "Wing shadowing? It's going pretty good. Chadamalith's been...fine after the first. Keeps his thoughts to himself after getting us yelled at." Shoulders shrug before she gives her ad a shake. "Don't think I have a like best so far. Still just trying to keep in the game."
T'mic makes more of a production of simply oiling than he needs to - there's no simple bucket of oil and handful of old rags, but a prettily painted bowl on a gauzy scarf and oil straight from his hand to Aath's side. He glances over while moving the whole shebang down a bit. "Yeah?" Encouraging, not dismissive. "So... oh, tell me what you think of Spinnaker. Or what Chadamalith thinks of Spinnaker."
Whatever opinions Javeri might have of T'mic's oiling methods she keeps them to herself. She watches, some of the time, but most of the time she's looking around or even upwards. It might be movement overhead that tracks her gaze like maybe there's a dragon making lazy circles around the island on the thermals. "Oh, umm, I don't know. I mean...I haven't thought about it a lot." She may not have, but there's a pause and again she looks overhead before saying with a sigh, "Chadamalith's bored with them." Not thrilled to admit it, but there you go. "He thinks they don't do anything real interesting."
The greenrider keeps his peace and waits her out, putting oil to hand and hand to hide, and if he murmurs to his dragon he keeps an eye on the weyrling while he does it. "Might want to think about it," he suggests, still with no censure. "You two could end up flying with A'mon in a couple of months. Does he like Tsunami or Tempest better?"
"I know that," Javeri says of their time being almost up. If there's a little strain in her voice she does her best to mask it well. "We haven't shadowed Tempest yet. With Tsunami now and we're told that's where we're going next. He likes them. But he likes anything that keeps him closer to his current green of choice." Her eyes roll at this, but any sighing is silent as her attention shifts upwards once more.
"Tsunami and Tempest are - were paired," Mic says, though Javeri's read the essays and knows it already. As if recognizing this he snorts, once, tips a grin over at her and dips his hand back in the oil bowl. "'Green of choice' - he's been chasing, hasn't he? Is it chasing-chasing, or just flying after? They're, what...." Math isn't his strong suit and the dates aren't scribed on Aath's leg, nor anywhere else he glances. "Well, I know he isn't a turn yet. So he's pretty young."
"Green of choice," Javeri repeats and this time there is a groan. "He is young, but that hasn't stopped him. He started chasing...shells. Remember Gia? She was in the weyrling group before us. Her Pinnereth went up about month 12. He went up after her." Picking at a thread that's about to become a loose thread on her shorts she watches her fingers carefully so she doesn't have to be looking anywhere else. "Since then he's gone up about every other seven. But there's always a green he has his eye on. Until she gives him the time of day."
T'mic's eyebrows know Gia, but Balinne's assistant - once B'ryce's assistant - doesn't say if he does or not. "Hmm," he says instead. "Well, I'm sure Paddy's talked to you about keeping him down, if you want to - he wouldn't mind giving you a refresher, if you wanted it." All very light, very friendly, and without an iota of censure at the brownrider's name. "But he only likes the ones who don't like him back? Heh - don't have to worry about Aath, then. The more attention Aath gets from her males, the better."
Javeri's head shakes quickly as she says, "I don't need a refresher. Really, we're doing fine. I can handle every other seven. Other than wanting to punch things when he loses. It could be a lot worse. I couldn't handle, like, as much as some of the others go up." She sighs and looks at Aath. "It's got to be easier with a green. You know when she'll go up and you know what will happen. With Chadamalith it's just not knowing. I don't really like that part, but we have a deal. He leaves me be and doesn't try to interrupt what I do and I don't try to keep him back all the time. It's not fair to him." And for his interest in non-interested greens she can only groan and say, "He doesn't just like them, but they turn his head most. Almost got him attacked too the idiot."
"All right," Mic says, as if he'd just asked about the weather instead of flights. "I don't know about -easier-, but it's different. Aath's got a cycle; some don't. The first few times, until I figured that out, were, uh... distracting." He punctuates this with a fond snort which Aath utterly ignores. "And there's a difference between "I don't keep him down at all" and "I don't keep him back all the time". You said it was both. Which is it?"
"There are some people I'd rather not wind up in bed with is all," Javeri says with an even tone. Holder instincts making her uncomfortable about this conversation especially having it with him. "For one thing my mother is here. I'm just trying real hard not to keep him from having his fun. I wish sometimes he wanted to have less fun, but that's just wishing. It's not-" Tugging on her braids she watches her beads trying to sort out what it is not. "It's not something I'd want to change. That's all. I wish he'd waited like the others. I wish he weren't so interested. I hope he doesn't start chasing more. But it's all wishing and hoping and not anything I'm going to get stressed over when I've got enough as it is."
"There's one way things are different for greenriders," Mic notes idly. "Other'n asking people not to be around, I don't have any say in who chases Aath." Or potentially who he ends up bedding. The rest of her words, though, bring him around to face her, wiping his oiliest hand on Aath distractedly. "What would you want him to wait for, though? I mean, do you see yourself deciding that yup, you think he's old enough, you're whatever enough, and he can chase now? For that matter," he adds, struck by this interesting thought, "What -would- you wait for? If you had the choice?"
The point is conceded with a nod of Javeri's head as to the difference. "You're right about that," she says. And then he asks all those questions and she has to think of all the answers and it takes some doing. Pulling her legs up she tucks them against her chest and tips her head back to stare at the sky. "I don't know," she says slowly as her arms wrap around her legs. "I just...I wasn't ready for it. Lessons don't exactly prepare you for the actual thing so much. I'm glad it's done and over. The first time. I don't have to deal with it again. It was an utter disaster. I would never be ready for that. But that's it. I would never be ready for the first time because it's just something new and..." Shaking her head she lowers her voice. "I'm horrid at new things."
T'mic says, "Don't know that anyone's really that great at them. That's why they're called 'new'. If they weren't, they'd be called," wait for it, "'Old'." Wisdom and humor equally dispensed, Mic gives up entirely on oiling for now but only so he can lean back against his green, as comfortable as if he's in his own bed. Conversationally, "I wasn't really ready when Aath went up, either. Not the first time. Had no idea of what was going on - with me, with her, any of it. But you get the first time out of the way, and then you can decide if you want to try it again, now that you know what's going on."
"I know people that are. I'm not one of them." Javeri's still spending her time looking up at the sky. Maybe at her hands. Maybe at the water, but certainly not anywhere that might give her direct eye contact with the leaning greenrider. "But it's not like that. Not with him. Not with...with all this." Her arms break free of each other to wave around at the world. "There's some things you can't decide to never do again. There's some things you just have to...to do. No matter what."
"Well, that's true," Mic admits, even if he doesn't look entirely certain of what all Javeri's talking about. "Do you have anything specific in mind?"
Rocking forward Javeri stands up and brushes herself off. She's not on her way off, but she's wandering. Pacing around like she's trapped in a cage. "All of it. It's not that I want it to be different. I wouldn't give Chadamalith up for the world. Even when he's a pain and even though I don't have furniture and all that." Crossing her arms over her chest she wanders to the edge of the pool to stare at the water. "I'm just sick to death of being scared all the time."
Javeri's pacing and Mic stays still, content merely to watch her roam. "That's fair enough." The pool laps peacefully, as it's wont to do, and nothing reaches out to drag Javeri under. "You want to talk about it? I can just listen, if it'll help, or I can try to help you find answers, if you want that too."
Which is a right shame. There's never any tentacled monsters when you need one! Without a slimy beast to save her Javeri just kicks at the ground and continues to stare downwards. "What answers?" she asks with a tiny laugh. "I keep thinking there'll be answers and there's not. All this time and no one's had an answer. I just keep doing what needs doing. That's all."
"Well, maybe that's your answer," Mic says, watching as he balances one foot atop the other. After a second, though, and once he's built a successful foot-tower, he glances over, trying out another grin. "Honest, though, Javeri - I'm not that bright. All your talk of 'some things' and 'some people' and 'what needs doing', and I'm not even sure what we're talking about. If you want me to help you - and I'd love to try and help you - you gotta give me a topic. Somewhere to start."
"It's not like I'm that bright either," Javeri admits as she turns around and shrugs. "It's not easy having someone in your head smarter than you." She drops down onto the ground again in case that pool monster materializes to drag her under. Or maybe she can just fall in and drown! "Five months," she finally says only looking somewhat embarrassed. "Five months since we had to go between. And I still have nightmares about it. I still can't do it without being scared. Every single time."
With a twitch of his head that's probably meant to stand in for a jerk over his shoulder Mic admits without any shame, "Aath plays me in circles. --Between? All right. S'pretty sharding scary. What scares you about it? The darkness? The cold?" A heartbeat's hesitation and he wonders curiously, "Did you ever go between before you'd Impressed?"
"Stupid philosopher. I am so glad he has Jekzith to talk to." The first time she's mentioned him and it may not be mentioning his rider, but it's enough to make her blush just a bit under her tan. And Javeri may not want to talk about between, but she sure doesn't want to talk about something else. "Umm. No. Not before. I'd been on a dragon a couple times, but it was straight flying from here to the hold is all." If she's talking about it she's sure not thrilled about it and her words drag out slowly. "It's not the dark only I hate the dark now too not just there. Cold mostly. I'm not used to cold. It feels wrong. And it's all...nothing. Like nothing just waiting to grab you and make you nothing too."
"C'mere?" Mic invites, giving the grass beside him a pat. Not that Javeri isn't already comfortably settled, but that doesn't stop him from doing it. "All right, it's the dark -and- the cold -and- the feeling that it's not right. Do I have it?"
Comfortable as she is since there's no chance drowning to save her Javeri gives up the poolside seat and stands to go and sit down again this time by Mic. "Mostly the cold. And the whole...empty, yea. The dark isn't so bad. Not really. It's cold and alone though."
T'mic beams at her like she's now given him his heart's desire. "All right. You know you aren't alone, right? Even if you can't feel him with you here," he pats his own leg, "he's always with you here." Finger to temple. "Can you think of that before or during, or is it too big for you to think of anything else?"
The smile in return is a little less, a whole lot less, but it's there at least for a moment. Javeri tucks her hands into her lap and idly toys with a loose thread once more. "I know. I know it all in my head. I know he's great at visualization. He was almost too good at first. And I can do it. And he wouldn't let anything happen to me I know. But there's still just...it's too much."
"Close your eyes," P'draig's weyrmate urges, reaching over with one hand to try and capture her thread-picking fingers. "Close your eyes and don't think of anything, just for a second."
Blinking several times now she looks over and stares not quite suspiciously at him. But then she looks away and Javeri's eyes close although her fingers don't want to stop what they're doing. They will, but it takes a second between his touch and her fingers giving up. The not thinking part may be harder, but there's nothing he can do to stop that.
"Good," he tells her once that moment's passed, his voice low and calm. His hand doesn't do anything untoward, only cups over her fingers, stilling them. "Now. Don't open your eyes, and don't reach for him, but where's Chadamalith?"
Since her fingers cannot fiddle one foot twitches just a little bit. Toes wiggle on the ground as Javeri says, "He's over the jungle. Flying real low." Likely fruit hunting fruitless a hunt as that may be.
T'mic says, "And you could have told me right where he was even if he was at Telgar, Faranth forbid," laughter in his voice now as he gives her hands a pat and leans back. "I could blindfold you and set you down half a dozen miles from him, and you could walk straight to his side. --Well," he amends, teasing laughter even stronger, "Assuming you didn't walk into a tree first. He can't ever leave you; you can't ever leave him. You're never alone. Not any more.""
"I don't know why he'd go to Telgar," Javeri says with a snort. "There's no fruit there this time of year." Quite likely she's become intimately aware of the growing season for anything categorized as fruit. She laughs too, but just for a minute before shaking her head. "That just means if I screw up that I screw us both up. That I let him down." Like it's that easy!
"S'why I said 'Faranth forbid'," Mic retorts with an easy-going snort. "You're assuming he'll -let- you screw up. Didn't you just tell me he's scary-good at visualization? And anyway, you're leaping ahead of me. Point is, you can't ever be alone, even Between, 'cause Chadamalith's there with you."
Javeri says, "He is, yea," Javeri answers with some pride. "He's never let me down." The unspoken yet remains just that. Unspoken. "We're together, I know. I know. It's why I have no table." Darn the lack of table! It will forever be a sore spot. "I know he's there. He tries hard to make sure I know he's there.""
"I have no idea what you're talking about with this table thing," Mic admits, settling back against Aath's leg with a grin. "And - don't take this wrong, or anything - but I don't think you /do/ know it. Not like you know that, oh, water's wet, or the ground is down. I think that's why you're still nervous about Between, and I think that's why he still has to make sure you know it. You just said he's still trying hard to tell you he's there for you."
"It's nothing," Javeri mumbles thus relegating the whole table thing to the waste bin of conversational topics. Slumping forward she sits silent. "Because I'm scared that's all. He just...he's more there when I am scared is all. Not that he's not when I am not. He's just...I don't know. I know he's there."
T'mic reaches out to try and capture her hands again. "He loves you, Javeri," he says, all his usual laughter gone from his voice, leaving it quiet and full of empathy. "He loves you, and he doesn't want anything bad to happen to you. Ever. He's never going to leave you, and you're never going to leave him." Baldly the greenrider states these facts - not like he's trying to convince her of something, but like he's stating that the ground is down, and water is wet. Simple.
Her hand is there for catching because she's now using her foot to fidget. And for once there's very little for her to say. Javeri who's usually quite happy thank you to natter on just sits in silence and tries to figure out exactly what it is that is being said. Because he had to use the l-word of course and that leaves her with nothing to say. So, rather than say something she just sits. Quietly. Not a word comes forth.
Mic gives her hand the gentlest of shakes, like he's trying not to wake up a grumpy bear. "Javeri?"
"It's not that easy," she finally says since her silence was invaded. Javeri lets out a rather loud sigh before she turns her head to give a not so believable smile to him. "Thanks. I know you're trying to help and I appreciate it. I truly do. It's just not that easy. I should get going though. I've completely interrupted your afternoon haven't I?"
"Annnd you close me out again," he says with a smile that isn't one, but he does back off, both literally and figuratively, releasing her hand and leaning away just enough to release the pressure on her. "I can only help as much as you let me, Javeri. That's exactly how much Chadamalith can help you, too. And you're not an interruption. Three in the morning, middle of lunch, I'm here for you, whatever you need." But his chin tilts in a silent 'go ahead', freeing her to rise and make her escape.
"At least I'm good at something," Javeri says when he makes his first remark. If there was anything more sad in her tone than there was she'd be all weepy, but she's not. The bluerider doesn't leap up right away to run off but she gathers herself up to leave anyway. Without thinking about it she leans over to give an impulsive hug. Then she stands up. "Thanks. Really. It's not that- I just need to go think is all. Umm. Maybe next time we can go get a drink or something and talk. Or not. I mean whatever. I'll see you later."
T'mic greets this sally with the humor it deserves - that is, very little - and just watches her out of the corner of his eye. This means he's not surprised by the hug, when it comes, and he reciprocates without lingering. "Sure," he agrees without rising, letting her get on with things but not brushing her off, either. "A drink'd be good - maybe back at my place. And I meant what I said: any time, any reason. You aren't a bother."
And she seems to have forgotten she was just at the beach because when Javeri leaves that's where she heads. But then that's where Chadamalith's landed so there's good reason. If there's no spring in her step like when she arrived at least she's not running away. Considering her last serious conversation here that's a step up.