How NOT to have sex: a guidebook for Tumblr-using virginis (but I repeat myself)
It's dawned on my rather strongly that the vast, vast, VAST majority of Tumblr users are hopelessly inexperienced teenagers or early 20-somethings that have absolutely no idea what they are doing with their lives, but are certain that reblogging enough animated gifs or "advice" will help them find the answer. Here's a perfect example. I only made it through the first image before I realized it was time to write a blog post. This one is all about how to "improve" your sexual relationships. You have been warned.
Am I the only person who sees that and thinks this?
Not off to a good start.
Who comes up with this shit? Yes, dear. Please continue to grind on my cock while I relive "The Balance of Terror." Seriously. If you think lying back, working a Vulcan joke, and jamming your knuckles against your partner's outer labia is anyone's idea of a good time, you need to experience the Vulcan nerve pinch. Preferably before you shout out "paper beats clam!" or "give me your tribble, baby.
Either that or she's trying to knock you unconscious with pelvic gyrations to end the incredible awkwardness of the whole situation. Or maybe she's trying to pick out a wedgie because you were too dumb to remove her panties in the first place.
Oooh, you clever dog, you. If you get a pube stuck between your teeth, just lick her thigh until she gets off. It's a well-know fact amongst us players that a woman's inner thigh has the same abrasive properties as sandpaper AND contains a second sub-dermal clit, and is sure to do the trick. If she starts snoring, keep it up! Most women snore right before achieve orgasm. The next day. With a lover who isn't a hopeless twerp who gets his sex advice from Tumblr.
Be sure to go bare-back when you do have sex, too! There's no way those swimmers hiding in your urethra from the previous session could still be alive, right?
This message brought to you by Coconut Corp and the government of Benin. Guys? Don't shave a thing. Nothing excites a lady more than seeing your virile manhood sprouting out of the pube jungle like an oversize palm tree.
I'm not sure that "violently" is the term I'd like to use when describing my partner's orgasm. If she's orgasming "violently" odds are you're about to end up with a black eye and a restraining order.
Do it just like this. Fully clothed, with the door open and a horrified look on your face. That shit drives guys wild! But hey at least the air freshener in the corner there looks like he's having a good time.
Any old rag will do. In a pinch, use your boxers for that extra-special personal touch. Coming from the folks who thought that licking the inside of a woman's thigh would totally fool her into thinking that you didn't have a pube stuck in your teeth, I'm not sure that a luxurious "hot towel massage" is really what she's looking for.
Be sure to use your pillow, though, if you're planning on spending the night. If not, use hers. That way, she'll be sure to remember you!