LIFE HAS HAPPENED!

[all_messed_up9]

and swallowed me whole. When I look back throughout this journal my life seems to spiral upwards and downwards. So many things have changed for me. I am definitely not the Ronni I used to be. I def have an addiction to marijuana. But you can be addicted to the things you love too. Smoking pot is the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. I feel like I have given up a few things for this lifestyle though. but I'm just gonna try and balance all of that out. The guys I like are way diff...but I still have the same exact problems. I have been ditching school...a lot. Never used to do that. But when life gets tough...schools the first thing I lose track of. I want school to be priority because it makes sure I have a future ahead of me. Nazareth school grounds has become my new sesh spot. Ha, who would have thought four years later I would still end up in that very spot...where my life all really started and where I was safe from the real world. The very real world that I wanted sooooo desperately to be a part of. Now I am back peddaling & wishing that things could have stayed that simple. I miss all of the old people that had become my family. Friends have really made me a harder and less trusting person. I had some money stolen from me...and that I will never forget as the moment I knew...people are just more prone to being bad, so I sould always think the worst of them. that's a fucked up way of thinking but like I said...I have chaged a lot. I have been welcomed to the realm of thizzlam by my very good friend Sam R. But that has also changed. I had a magic mushroom experience that I will never forget. I saw a UFO that night. I've met a kid P.A. who has made me think differently about some things and def confused the hell outta me. Funny thing is I can't even explain what it is about him I can't figure out. New years Eve this year...i don't remember it because I got so drunk. I got that drunk on purpose, to not feel. To not feel alone, scared, and pathetic. It made me think of the first time I got that kiss on new years eve that changed it all. Justin...wow I do not even speak to the boy anymore who I thought at one time I really loved. That was a lie though too. I get used a lot...but insures I won't get hurt. Lately though, I've been wanting to feel the hurt for something that matters. Hurt isnt always bad...but when it's bad it is baaaaad. I think thought, I'm finally ready for it...to feel the hurt. Take a chance on things and risk the inevitable pain at the end. I don't think I've ever said these words..."I am ready."

This weekend is my birthday. I am not seeing it so much as a beginning but more as an end for me.
My family is unraveling like my heart.