dilemmas
again, i'm wondering: when you get something that you think you've wanted for so long and then it isn't what you expected; it's not good enough... what do you do?
i have a great guy that treats me well and cares about me enough to make sure that i'm staying out of trouble and wants me to be a better person... but yet all i can think about is the one person that i can't seem to have, and can't seem to let go of.
maybe it all goes back to the whole thing where i'm really used to getting what i want. this is the one major time that i can think of where i haven't gotten my way in a situation like this.
i need nicknames for these people. it feels weird calling them by their real names in livejournal, especially when i know more and more people are starting to read mine.
the one i can't seem to let go of: "Pansie Smokes"
the one i can't seem to truly adore: "Hero German"
that's better.
ahem.
Hero German came to my volleyball tournament today. it was nice. i'm so used to the people in my life not really caring for me at all that sometimes i'm really surprised when nice things like that happen. I explained this to Hero German the other day, and he thought it was weird. Duh...
But when I got home, I was lost in the shit that i deal with on a daily basis. My parents being suspicious for no reason this time (I hate it when they are suspicious when i'm really not doing anything at all, and they don't seem to have any idea when i'm lying to them and doing things that i shouldn't be) anyway. back to my story. you know how sometimes theres a person who you feel like is the only person in the whole planet that you can talk to without worrying about anything and who helps you forget everything that's bothering you? That's Pansie Smokes. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I called him in my moment of stress, with some elaborate excuse for wanting to speak with him.
he didn't answer.
Pansie Smokes.
So much makes me wonder why i care so much about him... and so much makes me remember everything we've been through; good and bad. it's like i can't go anywhere without a memory or something making me think about him. this is going to sound pathetic, but sometimes i pray to God that I can just stop thinking about him so i'm not so vulnerable to him hurting me even more.
Which should be the introduction to Hero German. It's so nice to have him around, and it's great that I have a distraction... but deep down i honestly know that that's really all he is. And i hate that. I hate it more than anything else right now, including my stressful paranoid parents. I just wish that I could stop having to fake the majority of feelings i have for him.
wait, that's not true.
i'm not faking the majority of my feelings for him... but i am faking some. i don't like faking myself, but I don't know what else to do. How can you make yourself want something more than something else when you know nothing compares to it?
how the hell am i ever going to stop thinking about Pansie Smokes. How am i not going to compare everything - not just relationships, but friendships as well - to what we had?
i find myself testing the waters with Hero German, and this is bad. It's like I wait to see what he will and won't put up with, and eventually will he get sick of it? I find myself talking about Pansie Smokes, maybe not directly, but telling stories that involve him, not giving full details, but leaving enough for Hero German to know what i'm talking about.
I don't really understand myself. Shouldn't i just be happy with Hero German, who has seemed so perfect?
who IS so perfect.
no, i have to obsess over the one who isn't.
i have a great guy that treats me well and cares about me enough to make sure that i'm staying out of trouble and wants me to be a better person... but yet all i can think about is the one person that i can't seem to have, and can't seem to let go of.
maybe it all goes back to the whole thing where i'm really used to getting what i want. this is the one major time that i can think of where i haven't gotten my way in a situation like this.
i need nicknames for these people. it feels weird calling them by their real names in livejournal, especially when i know more and more people are starting to read mine.
the one i can't seem to let go of: "Pansie Smokes"
the one i can't seem to truly adore: "Hero German"
that's better.
ahem.
Hero German came to my volleyball tournament today. it was nice. i'm so used to the people in my life not really caring for me at all that sometimes i'm really surprised when nice things like that happen. I explained this to Hero German the other day, and he thought it was weird. Duh...
But when I got home, I was lost in the shit that i deal with on a daily basis. My parents being suspicious for no reason this time (I hate it when they are suspicious when i'm really not doing anything at all, and they don't seem to have any idea when i'm lying to them and doing things that i shouldn't be) anyway. back to my story. you know how sometimes theres a person who you feel like is the only person in the whole planet that you can talk to without worrying about anything and who helps you forget everything that's bothering you? That's Pansie Smokes. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I called him in my moment of stress, with some elaborate excuse for wanting to speak with him.
he didn't answer.
Pansie Smokes.
So much makes me wonder why i care so much about him... and so much makes me remember everything we've been through; good and bad. it's like i can't go anywhere without a memory or something making me think about him. this is going to sound pathetic, but sometimes i pray to God that I can just stop thinking about him so i'm not so vulnerable to him hurting me even more.
Which should be the introduction to Hero German. It's so nice to have him around, and it's great that I have a distraction... but deep down i honestly know that that's really all he is. And i hate that. I hate it more than anything else right now, including my stressful paranoid parents. I just wish that I could stop having to fake the majority of feelings i have for him.
wait, that's not true.
i'm not faking the majority of my feelings for him... but i am faking some. i don't like faking myself, but I don't know what else to do. How can you make yourself want something more than something else when you know nothing compares to it?
how the hell am i ever going to stop thinking about Pansie Smokes. How am i not going to compare everything - not just relationships, but friendships as well - to what we had?
i find myself testing the waters with Hero German, and this is bad. It's like I wait to see what he will and won't put up with, and eventually will he get sick of it? I find myself talking about Pansie Smokes, maybe not directly, but telling stories that involve him, not giving full details, but leaving enough for Hero German to know what i'm talking about.
I don't really understand myself. Shouldn't i just be happy with Hero German, who has seemed so perfect?
who IS so perfect.
no, i have to obsess over the one who isn't.