Happy Day After Thanksgiving
A really long time ago, which happens to be a span of almost exactly eleven years, I was sitting in my dorm room staring furiously at the forest green carpet. I wasn’t actually angry at the carpet, outrageously ugly as it was according to my outrageously gay neighbor (who would describe himself as such whenever someone asked how he was doing-“I’m outrageously gay!” he’d say), I was actually desperately trying to avoid looking at the clock, which I’d been doing for hours.
It was the day after Thanksgiving, and a certain girl from the other big state school was coming south for the annual rivalry game. I still hadn’t figured out how to allay my partisanship; how to cheer for my school and still make an agreeable impression on this particularly attractive girl from the wrong side of the state. Home school or Hot Girl? Home school or Hot Girl? It was a difficulty of dizzying proportions, and my vertigo seemed to magnify each time I tried tackling it. Onto the hideous green carpet.
My mind was still doing cartwheels around the admittedly revolting carpet when she arrived, and it continued its lame acrobatics when we walked into the Arizona student section of the stadium. In the end, it simply shut down, and I seem to recall that I went into my usual routine, which was to shape my hands into pistols and shoot the crowd, then high-five everyone in sight. We won on a missed field goal by Arizona State, one that went wide right, and after my celebrations were over, my mental gymnastics suddenly stopped in mid flight, leaving the rest of me to careen back into my seat. She took it all in stride, even while walking home, when a few guys in a passing car screamed pleasantries and commented positively on the good fashion sense of short shorts.
When she finally left, I sat alone in my room and stared at the carpet. While Tivoing my mistakes, I suddenly felt the need to retch, and it was in that moment that I realized the true purpose for forest green carpet. And incense.
But anyways, it all worked out for the best, as I’ve since moved well away from the carpet, but not the girl. Not at all, in fact. As it turns out, we got married some years later and (once again, some years later) had a daughter. Who will cheer for Arizona the Friday after Thanksgiving. Because my wife is forgiving about such things.
Otherwise, why would she have put up with me for so long?
It was the day after Thanksgiving, and a certain girl from the other big state school was coming south for the annual rivalry game. I still hadn’t figured out how to allay my partisanship; how to cheer for my school and still make an agreeable impression on this particularly attractive girl from the wrong side of the state. Home school or Hot Girl? Home school or Hot Girl? It was a difficulty of dizzying proportions, and my vertigo seemed to magnify each time I tried tackling it. Onto the hideous green carpet.
My mind was still doing cartwheels around the admittedly revolting carpet when she arrived, and it continued its lame acrobatics when we walked into the Arizona student section of the stadium. In the end, it simply shut down, and I seem to recall that I went into my usual routine, which was to shape my hands into pistols and shoot the crowd, then high-five everyone in sight. We won on a missed field goal by Arizona State, one that went wide right, and after my celebrations were over, my mental gymnastics suddenly stopped in mid flight, leaving the rest of me to careen back into my seat. She took it all in stride, even while walking home, when a few guys in a passing car screamed pleasantries and commented positively on the good fashion sense of short shorts.
When she finally left, I sat alone in my room and stared at the carpet. While Tivoing my mistakes, I suddenly felt the need to retch, and it was in that moment that I realized the true purpose for forest green carpet. And incense.
But anyways, it all worked out for the best, as I’ve since moved well away from the carpet, but not the girl. Not at all, in fact. As it turns out, we got married some years later and (once again, some years later) had a daughter. Who will cheer for Arizona the Friday after Thanksgiving. Because my wife is forgiving about such things.
Otherwise, why would she have put up with me for so long?