(no subject)
i was in chicago all of last week for a work conference. there was only one word to describe the experience -
lonely.
even though i was with a coworker and other directors from across the nation that i've met before, the codeswitching got tiring. when the switch is on, im all about my job cuz i believe in what our program does. but after the workshops, after the working lunch and dinner meetings - i had no more energy to offer. and academic jargon turns to no jargon. i freeze up and have nothing more to say. and i would stay confined in the hotel room and live the rest of my night as a sleepless zombie, watching dog whisperer episodes and reruns of oprah. the next day would be the same thing all over again. more workshops. i tried to budget in some processing time, and ate by myself a few times. it's an isolating experience. i listened to myself chew and counted the number of brown folks i saw in the restaurant and did a mini ISDA of the area. i went to the gym on my own and concentrated on my breathing; listening to how shallow, lonely, and tired my breaths were.
CITY OF REFUGE
i found my city -actually community - of refuge from the 9-5 work, and threw myself back in to the community work with kasamas. i was looking forward to a kasama's birthday kick-it. i thought about it in chicago and couldn't wait to get back to the bay. once i got to SFO, instead of taking the bart to my place, i took a taxi cuz i wanted to make it on time. i get home, and was bout to jet out to the haight, and realized my car battery was dead. after cussing and checkin under the hood as if i knew wut i was doin - i called another cab to take me to the haight. it's amazing how an hour or so of kickn it with good folks can help me forget bout the weeklong drone of ongoing workshops. this nite was important, because it was celebrating the birthday of a friend who has unconditionally looked out for me from DAY 1. im constantly trying to be the educator that she is, and learn from her discipline and energy.
CALM: calm
/kɑm; older kæm; spelling pron. kɑlm/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kahm; older kam; spelling pron. kahlm] definition: the opposite of me.
im back in the office, and my shallow breathing has turned into deep heavy breaths to keep my blood pressure from going crazy. i had 60 emails and 20 voicemails to sort through before 8am. a couple of which are crisis emails. breathe in. breathe out.