Like A G6
I've been so frustrated with myself and my life lately.
I'm clearly the complete opposite of successful right now and it's been enough of a battle in my head between what little pride I have left and an overwhelming sense of depression that I want to cry. (Even though I won't because I hate crying so much. Cry moar, emo girl.) The only way to get out of this is to get a job, because that would easily make my life so much better, I just don't know if I have the strength for it. I feel like I do everything wrong in normal life - job hunting just makes that a thousand times worse. Clearly I will need to get past that, and the only way to get past that is to do it, but then I get the catch-22 of only getting past that fear by encountering it and that's fun.
I've had such low self-esteem lately that when people suggest I should start cooking for myself, my automatic response is that I'm not worth it - why bother? I'm not important enough. Same with keeping a clean room - why bother? I'm not worth it - I'm a mess in life and in my room too. I'm not worthy of much right now because I haven't achieved anything, and that gets even harder with an overly-successful father and a mother who (it feels like, anyway) actively hates my very existence and is clearly frustrated with everything I am not doing in life. My parents' frustration is understandable and perhaps even reasonable but it does nothing to encourage me to do anything - instead it just makes me want to resist them even more.
Society and my life demands I do something with myself and I've failed at it so expertly that I feel like I will never be anything even remotely like those women that I idolize in life - those who've done something with their lives so remarkable that admiration is the only permissible response, and perhaps even more importantly, they're simply living a good life day to day and they have their shit together. I feel like I will never be like that, even if I did somehow get my shit together. I feel like I will always be an outlier in the bad sense of the word - never fit in, always do everything wrong, and maybe only be notable for my failures in life and nothing else.
I'm clearly the complete opposite of successful right now and it's been enough of a battle in my head between what little pride I have left and an overwhelming sense of depression that I want to cry. (Even though I won't because I hate crying so much. Cry moar, emo girl.) The only way to get out of this is to get a job, because that would easily make my life so much better, I just don't know if I have the strength for it. I feel like I do everything wrong in normal life - job hunting just makes that a thousand times worse. Clearly I will need to get past that, and the only way to get past that is to do it, but then I get the catch-22 of only getting past that fear by encountering it and that's fun.
I've had such low self-esteem lately that when people suggest I should start cooking for myself, my automatic response is that I'm not worth it - why bother? I'm not important enough. Same with keeping a clean room - why bother? I'm not worth it - I'm a mess in life and in my room too. I'm not worthy of much right now because I haven't achieved anything, and that gets even harder with an overly-successful father and a mother who (it feels like, anyway) actively hates my very existence and is clearly frustrated with everything I am not doing in life. My parents' frustration is understandable and perhaps even reasonable but it does nothing to encourage me to do anything - instead it just makes me want to resist them even more.
Society and my life demands I do something with myself and I've failed at it so expertly that I feel like I will never be anything even remotely like those women that I idolize in life - those who've done something with their lives so remarkable that admiration is the only permissible response, and perhaps even more importantly, they're simply living a good life day to day and they have their shit together. I feel like I will never be like that, even if I did somehow get my shit together. I feel like I will always be an outlier in the bad sense of the word - never fit in, always do everything wrong, and maybe only be notable for my failures in life and nothing else.