also, because it's important......
' NEVER IS A PROMISE '
Words & Music: Fiona Apple
You'll never see -- the courage I know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow -- the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention -- to you
You'll say you understand, but you don't understand
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie
You'll never touch -- these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown -- to you
You'll say, Don't fear your dreams, its easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie
You'll never live the life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message I give
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention -- to you
You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie
downloading music is fun, but not enough fun to make up for the shit in my head.
someone please explain to me why people think i'm stupid enough that they can lie to me and get away with it? someone also please explain to me why people lie in the first place?? i don't get it. i will NEVER get it. NOTHING is worth dishonesty or misdirections. lies are the only thing that can make me hate, make me angry beyond forgiveness. hurt me.
so why do people keep insisting on doing it??
there are some people that i wish i could pull a liar, liar on. make a wish, and have them have to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing BUT the truth for a whole day. no technical truths or anything, the ACTUAL truth. i mean, sure, nothing in life is anyone else's business (unless it has to do with them). but if someone asks you a straight-out question, and you lie in response, what does that say about the strength of the foundation of the relationship? what does that say about what you think of the person you're lying to?
ugh. i hate it when my mind gets so wrapped back up in things that i've been dealing with so well for the last eight months or so. *sigh* honesty, dishonesty, openness, frankness; these are all things i thought i was done dealing with. i *thought* that, when the lovely oz left my life -- actually, you know what? i've decided that oz is my new official nickname for him. not oz like the wizard of. oz like in buffy. think about it, those of you who are buffy-familiar, and it will make a whole lot of sense. -- anyway. i thought that, when oz left me, i was done having to worry about word games, worry about half-truths, even *shudder* manipulation. (not that it's something the lovely oz ever really did, it's just something i had to look out for more when i was with him, from the rest of the world and from him both.) now, all of a sudden, i find myself deeper and deeper every day in a mire of shadows and hot coals. it's too much. i wish i could just sit everyone i know down and start firing questions at them, with the understanding that if they lie in response to any question asked, they'll no longer be my friend. plain and simple. there's nothing wrong with saying, "it's none of your business", or "you don't want to know". i'm going to try to find out anyway, and if i find out it's going to be worse, sure, because i'm going to wonder why you were hiding it in the first place. but there's nothing wrong with trying it. but lying in response to a direct question is the single worst thing a person can do to me. and i hate it, because it's lost me too many friends in the past. but it's the way it is.
so if you're my friend and you're reading this? good. don't lie to me if i ask you a direct question, no matter HOW worried you are about hurting me. you're not going to hurt me if you're honest, no matter how much what you have to say may hurt me. and how would you know if it's going to hurt me anyway? and why do you not trust me to know what i can and can't deal with? steph has learned well, especially these last few days: tell me what you have to tell me, don't hide it, and i'll tell you what i can and can't deal with. but for the love of GOD, people, stop trying to protect me. i'm a big girl. i can take care of myself. trust me. if you knew half of what i've dealt with in the course of my life -- which, believe me, most of you have NO idea -- then you'd see what i mean. lies ruin EVERYTHING. i'm going to flat out say that lies are EVIL. not good, happy, fun, simon and hecubus evil. EVIL. lies are darkness and negativity and bad karma all rolled into a happy neat package. don't lie to me.
this now concludes the ali, seemingly-out-of-nowhere-because-i'm-not-reminding-myself-of-what-caused-it-by-bothering-to-journal-about-it rant session. thank you for joining us, and good night to all.
mwah.
~a