Long meme responses demand ham sandwich napkins. *points to icon*
Anyone who was interested in having responses to this meme sooner really needs to curse lj boycott day. Because I was all set, Thursday night, to start writing up some of the responses. And then 8pm rolled around and I couldn't. Or rather, I could've, but my flist got dead quiet and I wasn't in a rebelly mood that day. :( :( :(
Just so anyone wondering knows I'm not just ignoring responses at will: Linds' "friendships (I) have left behind" and Jenna's "song attached to a bittersweet memory" ones will be a semi-long time coming, because I plan on making them series. There's more than one for both, and both just beg for detailed writing instead of short, quick bursts.
But here're a few of the (likely) quicker responses.
Regret
Regret's kind of a touchy subject for me, because on the one hand, I don't really believe in regrets, because everything that I've done and that's happened to me has gotten me where I am today, and to who I am today, and that's not such a bad thing. But on the other hand, I'm human, so of COURSE there are things I regret, and decisions I regret, and I regret things I've said all the damn time, so it's really tough to reconcile those things.
I guess the point I usually try to make with regards to regret (and fail at miserably) is that I don't *actively* regret anything I've ever said or done. There's nothing really that I look back on regularly and say, "man, I really wish I hadn't done that". But of course when asked about regrets, there are a few moments/decisions that jump to the top of my consciousness, and I can't deny that my life would've taken a drastically different turn with/without them, which of course opens the opportunity for things to have been "better".
They are as follows (I'm limiting myself to five, because without these major ones, I truly think that what followed would've been drastically different):
(Many of you may not be at all aware of....well, any of these things. And in that case, I can do little other than direct you to my college journal, which existed before the days of LJ land!, and was simultaneously more interesting and much, much more cryptic than this here tends to be. There was a high school journal before that, but it's long lost to the days of the Internet Archive, and that's not mostly a bad thing.)
Insecurities
All of the above kind of leads me into talking about insecurities. Because one of my biggest insecurities is the idea that other people will see me as a waste. A waste of air, a waste of talent, a waste of space. And on the dark days, I can't argue with those statements.
I'm majorly insecure about my looks. I'm insecure about my words, and I have no self-esteem. I have very little faith in my own thoughts and opinions, and so I have this horrible tendency to overcompensate by kind of shoving them at people.
The amazing part of all of it is, I'm arrogant in my insecurity. I mean, some part of me *knows* I'm smart, *knows* I'm talented, *knows* I'm good at what I do, etc. (The looks thing isn't going to go away anytime soon, because while I think I possibly have a pretty face, there's too many other things about my looks that I don't like, and therefore to be insecure about.) And yet me telling myself that? Does absolutely not an ounce of good. I constantly need to hear it from other people, and then even when I do, I don't really believe it. It's like I've still got a six year old inside of me, constantly striving for attention, but then suddenly getting shy when she actually has it.
...Actually, that's exactly what it's like.
I grew up at a time when gifted & talented programs were just starting up. I was a girl who could read before she entered kindergarten in an educational environment where no one knew how to handle smart kids. I was a girl who could do fractions in first grade, who could multiply before most kids had subtraction down, and whose preference of books over tv was published for the world (well, her town) to see -- at the age of seven. To say that there were high expectations set upon me might just be the understatement to end all understatement. So from a young age, I'd come home and literally be asked, "why isn't this an A+?" on tests, homework, report cards -- for subjects that were more often than not two years beyond what the rest of my class was working on.
I can't really blame my parents for any of it. If I were them, back then, in the situation they were in, I don't begin to know what I would've done with a kid as precocious as me. My parents didn't want to have me skip grades because they thought I wouldn't socialize as well -- I was already young for my grade, and small for my age, and chubby even then, so it would've been really, really tough. And they couldn't begin to afford private school of any kind, and alternative education wasn't being talked about, there wasn't a Montessori school or anything like that that my parents could manage, so it was really difficult, I'm sure, on them.
But I can't help but think that my childhood pretty much forced upon me all of the insecurities that choke me today. And I try to overcome them, but it's so damn hard. I'm in a job that, while I love everything I do there, and while I get a LOT of encouragement in, doesn't really fit. I'm in a corporate environment that *definitely* doesn't fit. And it's difficult to meet new people, because I don't have anywhere I *do* fit -- that's not a thousand-plus miles away. I learned how to be myself, I learned how to not pretend to be someone else, but I didn't learn how to do so in a non-threatening way, in a way that wouldn't alienate people.
But then, are there a lot of people who worry about being threatening while being themselves? Isn't that an impressive display of insecurities unto itself? Uh, yeah.
Let's move on.
Daydreams
I don't daydream very often, actually. I admire people who do, because they always seem much more relaxed, much more down-to-earth, in some sort of paradoxical way. But I don't. When I do, they're usually really boring. Like, man, I wish I was in Florida. (Stop.) Or man, I wanna move to Northampton! (Cut to: an hour of looking for jobs at the Five Colleges. Stop.) But for the most part, almost all of my momentary thoughts are grounded solidly in reality.
...Huh. Maybe that explains part of my stress management issues lately.
* * * * *
I know that last one was short, but what more is there to say about something I don't do? Also, the rest of it more than makes up for the brevity of that. Next up: love/sex (which I'm assuming means the intersection between love and sex? Or just love in general and sex in general? i_am_may?), and why I don't like Bach's fugues. (Which will be good and quick, for those of you who aren't music geeks like Linds. )
Thanks to the 1.3 of you who made it through this. We now return to your regularly scheduled programming.
mwahs!
~a
Just so anyone wondering knows I'm not just ignoring responses at will: Linds' "friendships (I) have left behind" and Jenna's "song attached to a bittersweet memory" ones will be a semi-long time coming, because I plan on making them series. There's more than one for both, and both just beg for detailed writing instead of short, quick bursts.
But here're a few of the (likely) quicker responses.
Regret
Regret's kind of a touchy subject for me, because on the one hand, I don't really believe in regrets, because everything that I've done and that's happened to me has gotten me where I am today, and to who I am today, and that's not such a bad thing. But on the other hand, I'm human, so of COURSE there are things I regret, and decisions I regret, and I regret things I've said all the damn time, so it's really tough to reconcile those things.
I guess the point I usually try to make with regards to regret (and fail at miserably) is that I don't *actively* regret anything I've ever said or done. There's nothing really that I look back on regularly and say, "man, I really wish I hadn't done that". But of course when asked about regrets, there are a few moments/decisions that jump to the top of my consciousness, and I can't deny that my life would've taken a drastically different turn with/without them, which of course opens the opportunity for things to have been "better".
They are as follows (I'm limiting myself to five, because without these major ones, I truly think that what followed would've been drastically different):
- Not having taken junior year off from Juilliard
- Not having *looked* at more/different colleges
- Having wasted the college I did go to
- Having denied Em's desire to carry on long-distance
- the Greg/Matt/Oz trifecta. (Because without a single decision, about four years ago, my life would've *definitely* been *ridiculously* different.)
(Many of you may not be at all aware of....well, any of these things. And in that case, I can do little other than direct you to my college journal, which existed before the days of LJ land!, and was simultaneously more interesting and much, much more cryptic than this here tends to be. There was a high school journal before that, but it's long lost to the days of the Internet Archive, and that's not mostly a bad thing.)
Insecurities
All of the above kind of leads me into talking about insecurities. Because one of my biggest insecurities is the idea that other people will see me as a waste. A waste of air, a waste of talent, a waste of space. And on the dark days, I can't argue with those statements.
I'm majorly insecure about my looks. I'm insecure about my words, and I have no self-esteem. I have very little faith in my own thoughts and opinions, and so I have this horrible tendency to overcompensate by kind of shoving them at people.
The amazing part of all of it is, I'm arrogant in my insecurity. I mean, some part of me *knows* I'm smart, *knows* I'm talented, *knows* I'm good at what I do, etc. (The looks thing isn't going to go away anytime soon, because while I think I possibly have a pretty face, there's too many other things about my looks that I don't like, and therefore to be insecure about.) And yet me telling myself that? Does absolutely not an ounce of good. I constantly need to hear it from other people, and then even when I do, I don't really believe it. It's like I've still got a six year old inside of me, constantly striving for attention, but then suddenly getting shy when she actually has it.
...Actually, that's exactly what it's like.
I grew up at a time when gifted & talented programs were just starting up. I was a girl who could read before she entered kindergarten in an educational environment where no one knew how to handle smart kids. I was a girl who could do fractions in first grade, who could multiply before most kids had subtraction down, and whose preference of books over tv was published for the world (well, her town) to see -- at the age of seven. To say that there were high expectations set upon me might just be the understatement to end all understatement. So from a young age, I'd come home and literally be asked, "why isn't this an A+?" on tests, homework, report cards -- for subjects that were more often than not two years beyond what the rest of my class was working on.
I can't really blame my parents for any of it. If I were them, back then, in the situation they were in, I don't begin to know what I would've done with a kid as precocious as me. My parents didn't want to have me skip grades because they thought I wouldn't socialize as well -- I was already young for my grade, and small for my age, and chubby even then, so it would've been really, really tough. And they couldn't begin to afford private school of any kind, and alternative education wasn't being talked about, there wasn't a Montessori school or anything like that that my parents could manage, so it was really difficult, I'm sure, on them.
But I can't help but think that my childhood pretty much forced upon me all of the insecurities that choke me today. And I try to overcome them, but it's so damn hard. I'm in a job that, while I love everything I do there, and while I get a LOT of encouragement in, doesn't really fit. I'm in a corporate environment that *definitely* doesn't fit. And it's difficult to meet new people, because I don't have anywhere I *do* fit -- that's not a thousand-plus miles away. I learned how to be myself, I learned how to not pretend to be someone else, but I didn't learn how to do so in a non-threatening way, in a way that wouldn't alienate people.
But then, are there a lot of people who worry about being threatening while being themselves? Isn't that an impressive display of insecurities unto itself? Uh, yeah.
Let's move on.
Daydreams
I don't daydream very often, actually. I admire people who do, because they always seem much more relaxed, much more down-to-earth, in some sort of paradoxical way. But I don't. When I do, they're usually really boring. Like, man, I wish I was in Florida. (Stop.) Or man, I wanna move to Northampton! (Cut to: an hour of looking for jobs at the Five Colleges. Stop.) But for the most part, almost all of my momentary thoughts are grounded solidly in reality.
...Huh. Maybe that explains part of my stress management issues lately.
* * * * *
I know that last one was short, but what more is there to say about something I don't do? Also, the rest of it more than makes up for the brevity of that. Next up: love/sex (which I'm assuming means the intersection between love and sex? Or just love in general and sex in general? i_am_may?), and why I don't like Bach's fugues. (Which will be good and quick, for those of you who aren't music geeks like Linds. )
Thanks to the 1.3 of you who made it through this. We now return to your regularly scheduled programming.
mwahs!
~a