random disjointedness.
another night of swearing up, down, left and right that i'd be in bed early. (you can see how well that worked.)
erin mckeown's "the taste of you" is, i think, my new favorite song. or maybe it's "float". or maybe "an innocent fiction"....or the live version of "james!".....or....or....or. and i wish that this version of "you were right about everything" on lafayette was a little better in tune, because if it was, it would definitely be on this list too.
i tried to start writing my memoir-type-thingie last night and it turned out stupid. it's like, one big journal entry, and it's just.....really, really dumb. how the hell do you start writing a memoir when you're not like, a crazy famous person who's had a crazy exciting life, anyway? and when you're not like, dying and have your whole life to reflect on? furthermore, how do you write a memoir when the pieces of your life you can remember aren't in much detail, and disappear at will from your memory, only to sneak back up on you in the middle of the day at work one day when you can barely keep it all together?? if i didn't know better, i'd think that like, something horrific and traumatic had happened at some point in my life, because dude, my memory likes to treat EVERYTHING like something to be repressed. i'm sure there's some deep psychological reasoning behind that. maybe someday i'll get to the bottom of it, but i'm figuring that nanowrimo isn't what's going to get me there. so, yes, four days in, i've pretty much given up on that goal. it was a stupid goal anyway.
i went to blockbuster tonight for the first time in a few weeks, probably, and the cool guy who i was talking about ugly betty and heroes with was there, but he was outside smoking so i didn't see him until i was leaving, and he told me to check out dexter. which considering everyone else i know who watches it thinks it kicks ass, probably means i'll get there. but also, he's kind of cute, and he likes tv, and he's the kind of boy i could see myself maybe dating or hooking up with or whatever. and the fact that he remembers me from like, weeks out, that's kinda funny, right? so it made me a little smiley.
also, i'm a little bit lonely and i don't know what to do about that. because it's not a loneliness like, just random miscellaneous human loneliness, it's a physical loneliness and yearning and whatnot, and i haven't had that in a REALLY long time, and so i don't know what to do with it. this quiet desperation just keeps roaring through my head, and i don't know how to handle it.
and i can't help but think that maybe that (combined, of course, with all the hormonal bullshit i totally brought upon myself) is what's made me so freakin' snappish and moody the last week or so, and that's kind of a really, really big problem, because if that's true, then i just CAN'T let it affect me like that at work, but there's also nothing i can do about it.
and people keep calling me and i keep not calling them back because i don't want to risk my bitchiness oozing out onto them. and so now people have STOPPED calling me, and while on the one hand that's a good thing because the snapping hasn't stopped, it also turns into this downward spiral of loneliness, because it's loneliness compounding loneliness, and it starts feeling like it'll never get any better ever. and that sucks.
and hey, how did this turn into one big bitchfest? done now, for sure.
how's it going, flist?
mwah.
~a
ps. note to linds: the lavender sage that we bought and split is like, my FAVORITEST scent ever, of course. and also, of course, it is discontinued and so i cannot buy like, a ton more of them (even though i've gone through almost half of my tealights of it already, no joke). i sent an email to yankee candle asking if there is anyway to order directly from the factory store, that's how serious about them i am. bastards.
erin mckeown's "the taste of you" is, i think, my new favorite song. or maybe it's "float". or maybe "an innocent fiction"....or the live version of "james!".....or....or....or. and i wish that this version of "you were right about everything" on lafayette was a little better in tune, because if it was, it would definitely be on this list too.
i tried to start writing my memoir-type-thingie last night and it turned out stupid. it's like, one big journal entry, and it's just.....really, really dumb. how the hell do you start writing a memoir when you're not like, a crazy famous person who's had a crazy exciting life, anyway? and when you're not like, dying and have your whole life to reflect on? furthermore, how do you write a memoir when the pieces of your life you can remember aren't in much detail, and disappear at will from your memory, only to sneak back up on you in the middle of the day at work one day when you can barely keep it all together?? if i didn't know better, i'd think that like, something horrific and traumatic had happened at some point in my life, because dude, my memory likes to treat EVERYTHING like something to be repressed. i'm sure there's some deep psychological reasoning behind that. maybe someday i'll get to the bottom of it, but i'm figuring that nanowrimo isn't what's going to get me there. so, yes, four days in, i've pretty much given up on that goal. it was a stupid goal anyway.
i went to blockbuster tonight for the first time in a few weeks, probably, and the cool guy who i was talking about ugly betty and heroes with was there, but he was outside smoking so i didn't see him until i was leaving, and he told me to check out dexter. which considering everyone else i know who watches it thinks it kicks ass, probably means i'll get there. but also, he's kind of cute, and he likes tv, and he's the kind of boy i could see myself maybe dating or hooking up with or whatever. and the fact that he remembers me from like, weeks out, that's kinda funny, right? so it made me a little smiley.
also, i'm a little bit lonely and i don't know what to do about that. because it's not a loneliness like, just random miscellaneous human loneliness, it's a physical loneliness and yearning and whatnot, and i haven't had that in a REALLY long time, and so i don't know what to do with it. this quiet desperation just keeps roaring through my head, and i don't know how to handle it.
and i can't help but think that maybe that (combined, of course, with all the hormonal bullshit i totally brought upon myself) is what's made me so freakin' snappish and moody the last week or so, and that's kind of a really, really big problem, because if that's true, then i just CAN'T let it affect me like that at work, but there's also nothing i can do about it.
and people keep calling me and i keep not calling them back because i don't want to risk my bitchiness oozing out onto them. and so now people have STOPPED calling me, and while on the one hand that's a good thing because the snapping hasn't stopped, it also turns into this downward spiral of loneliness, because it's loneliness compounding loneliness, and it starts feeling like it'll never get any better ever. and that sucks.
and hey, how did this turn into one big bitchfest? done now, for sure.
how's it going, flist?
mwah.
~a
ps. note to linds: the lavender sage that we bought and split is like, my FAVORITEST scent ever, of course. and also, of course, it is discontinued and so i cannot buy like, a ton more of them (even though i've gone through almost half of my tealights of it already, no joke). i sent an email to yankee candle asking if there is anyway to order directly from the factory store, that's how serious about them i am. bastards.