(no subject)
because what i always forget, after, is how far a fall back down it is.
florida is *such* a ridiculous high. even when i fight with the people down there, even when i feel awkward or paranoid or whatever the hell else happens in the fucked up chemicals in my fucked up head, it's about fifty times better than i feel, on average, up here. it's my family. it's the people who love and care about me -- *me*, no matter how screwed up i am. they love each and every part of me: the crazy teenage valley girl who can't get enough of things, the crazy pop culture girl who obsesses over meaningless minutiae, the crazy marketing girl who likes to spend the money she makes on anyone (including, but not limited to, herself). (see the theme here?) being completely lost as to what to do is just fine by me, as long as i'm surrounded by these lovely creatures. (even when i can barely stand the sound of their voices. :P)
and then i come back here, to "reality", i guess. i'm alone, the only people readily accessible are the family that's stuck with me, and who *don't* love me unconditionally (no matter what they say), and who three-quarters of the time can't be bothered with me anyway.
the problem, if i'm honest with myself and everyone else, is i don't even think i *want* to live in florida that badly anymore. i mean, i like it there, i like the weather and the people and the comfort everywhere. but i don't think i could be a grownup down there and actually like, get by. what i need is to figure out a way to build what i have (had?) down there, up here. but i didn't technically build what i have down there in the first place. oz did. that's the only good thing i think he ever did for me, was find the beautiful people who are now mine down there. and without him, i don't know how to do it for myself, because i'm so bad at the people thing. (and, sadly, i don't think there's any of you reading this now who can argue with that.)
i don't know. i don't even know why i'm writing this. it doesn't matter much anyway, does it? i'm not going to do anything about it. i just....i just wanted to say thank you, i think, to everyone who loves me. who has taken the time to not only get to know, but actually *understand* me. and i guess i just....i think i need to remind myself of why i don't go down there more often, now that there's nothing (honesty, ali: no ONE) dragging me there. because i come back with this romanticized idea of what it's like down there, when really? it's only that way because i'm there for such a short period of time. because i know that i'd probably be happier down there, if i could find a job that's actually *good* and not just barely scraping by, than i am up here. but i don't think i'd be *so* much happier down there. i mean, maybe i would; i don't know. but i really do like it up here. i just need to get reacclimated to the.....loneliness, i guess. it's totally understandable, after not being alone for more than five minutes for the past week, that i would have a hard time readjusting. i just need to do it, i guess.
or maybe i'm just writing to hear myself think. who the fuck knows anymore. what i do know is it's probably time for me to just shut up already. so <3.
mwah.
~a
florida is *such* a ridiculous high. even when i fight with the people down there, even when i feel awkward or paranoid or whatever the hell else happens in the fucked up chemicals in my fucked up head, it's about fifty times better than i feel, on average, up here. it's my family. it's the people who love and care about me -- *me*, no matter how screwed up i am. they love each and every part of me: the crazy teenage valley girl who can't get enough of things, the crazy pop culture girl who obsesses over meaningless minutiae, the crazy marketing girl who likes to spend the money she makes on anyone (including, but not limited to, herself). (see the theme here?) being completely lost as to what to do is just fine by me, as long as i'm surrounded by these lovely creatures. (even when i can barely stand the sound of their voices. :P)
and then i come back here, to "reality", i guess. i'm alone, the only people readily accessible are the family that's stuck with me, and who *don't* love me unconditionally (no matter what they say), and who three-quarters of the time can't be bothered with me anyway.
the problem, if i'm honest with myself and everyone else, is i don't even think i *want* to live in florida that badly anymore. i mean, i like it there, i like the weather and the people and the comfort everywhere. but i don't think i could be a grownup down there and actually like, get by. what i need is to figure out a way to build what i have (had?) down there, up here. but i didn't technically build what i have down there in the first place. oz did. that's the only good thing i think he ever did for me, was find the beautiful people who are now mine down there. and without him, i don't know how to do it for myself, because i'm so bad at the people thing. (and, sadly, i don't think there's any of you reading this now who can argue with that.)
i don't know. i don't even know why i'm writing this. it doesn't matter much anyway, does it? i'm not going to do anything about it. i just....i just wanted to say thank you, i think, to everyone who loves me. who has taken the time to not only get to know, but actually *understand* me. and i guess i just....i think i need to remind myself of why i don't go down there more often, now that there's nothing (honesty, ali: no ONE) dragging me there. because i come back with this romanticized idea of what it's like down there, when really? it's only that way because i'm there for such a short period of time. because i know that i'd probably be happier down there, if i could find a job that's actually *good* and not just barely scraping by, than i am up here. but i don't think i'd be *so* much happier down there. i mean, maybe i would; i don't know. but i really do like it up here. i just need to get reacclimated to the.....loneliness, i guess. it's totally understandable, after not being alone for more than five minutes for the past week, that i would have a hard time readjusting. i just need to do it, i guess.
or maybe i'm just writing to hear myself think. who the fuck knows anymore. what i do know is it's probably time for me to just shut up already. so <3.
mwah.
~a