i am mostly only posting because i'm grateful lj is finally back up. sad, i know.
good day. ran errands with drew, then came home and watched the sisters (maria bello is *really* pretty! and eric mccormack, who knew?) and the first half of angels in america. was a little startled by the ending of angels, not like, by the ending itself, but rather in that, "that's it?!" sense.
and tomorrow (well, today) will be chamber music with mom. my first classical music concert in.....eight or nine years, about. i'm nervous. i'm nervous about how i'll react, how i'll respond, how it may (or may not) change......anything.
because i'm going through a lot of questioning, doubting, reevaluating here, and i'm doing it all by myself. which is not really the best thing for my brain, my constantly moving and shifting mind, but what can you do?
i went back the last few days and reread some old, old emails, a year or two back at least, from.....let's just call them people who are no longer in my life and leave it at that. struggles, about my life, my lifestyle, my philosophies, my loneliness, what have you. and it led me to two revelations, as you will. one, that certain people never had a motherfucking clue who i was (am) or what they were talking about. and two......it kinda really bugs me. because i mean, i'm overall a pretty transparent person. so to not have a clue who i am, especially when i'm letting you in......you've either gotta be trying really hard to be ignorant, or be really fucking dense. and i don't understand people who *keep* themselves ignorant. i don't. and it bugs me, is all.
and now what was supposed to be a hit-and-run has turned into something long (as usual), so i will conclude, leave it at that, and say bonne nuit.
mwah.
~a
and tomorrow (well, today) will be chamber music with mom. my first classical music concert in.....eight or nine years, about. i'm nervous. i'm nervous about how i'll react, how i'll respond, how it may (or may not) change......anything.
because i'm going through a lot of questioning, doubting, reevaluating here, and i'm doing it all by myself. which is not really the best thing for my brain, my constantly moving and shifting mind, but what can you do?
i went back the last few days and reread some old, old emails, a year or two back at least, from.....let's just call them people who are no longer in my life and leave it at that. struggles, about my life, my lifestyle, my philosophies, my loneliness, what have you. and it led me to two revelations, as you will. one, that certain people never had a motherfucking clue who i was (am) or what they were talking about. and two......it kinda really bugs me. because i mean, i'm overall a pretty transparent person. so to not have a clue who i am, especially when i'm letting you in......you've either gotta be trying really hard to be ignorant, or be really fucking dense. and i don't understand people who *keep* themselves ignorant. i don't. and it bugs me, is all.
and now what was supposed to be a hit-and-run has turned into something long (as usual), so i will conclude, leave it at that, and say bonne nuit.
mwah.
~a