(no subject)
so, my great aunt passed away on tuesday. (it's my cousin and her brother who's in jersey boys' grandmother.) she was a really great lady, from what i can remember, and none of my immediate family is going to the funeral. the wake is on sunday, in plattsburgh, which is a 5+ hour drive from here. and i'm considering going. partly because she was cool, partly because i feel guilty that my grandma and dad and aunt can't go, and partly because since my brother told me, i've had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that this year is going to be a BAD year for my family, in terms of continuing to breathe and exist on this planet. my mom's dad has been sick for a while, as most of you know, and he and i have already made our peace, but still. my dad's mom has been sick forever, but she just seems to keep getting worse, and now that one of her sisters is gone, i'm afraid for her. my *mom's* mom has had breast cancer twice now, and she's not doing so hot in general either (although if you listen to her she's been dying for at least ten years now, hahaha). and several of my mom's aunts......well, anyway, i think you see where i'm going with this.
so the point is, i can't remember having ever been to a funeral. i know i've been to at least two, for my great-grandmother and my most beloved grandfather (dad's dad), but i can't remember them. i was only like, 11 when grandpa died, and granny died before that even. and since my brother told me yesterday about my great aunt, i've just had this feeling of forboding. everyone's old. people are starting to die. and i'm not ready.
it's selfish, i know. my great aunt just passed away and i'm sitting here worrying about myself. *i'm* not ready. i can't believe i just wrote that! but at the same time i can. because these whole last few months have been about growing up for me. figuring shit out, and moving on, and planning ahead, all that. and i guess this is just another part of that.......
and i'm hoping against hope that the only reason this is hitting me so hard is that whole hormonal thing my body likes to do cause of the girly parts and all. because i'm tearing up randomly, and the only time that EVER happens for me (as, again, most of you know) is when i'm either menstrual, trying to cope with a breakup, or watching a movie/tv character die. well, or when i think about my absolutely beloved grandpa. so maybe it's not the menstrual thing.
mwah.
~a
so the point is, i can't remember having ever been to a funeral. i know i've been to at least two, for my great-grandmother and my most beloved grandfather (dad's dad), but i can't remember them. i was only like, 11 when grandpa died, and granny died before that even. and since my brother told me yesterday about my great aunt, i've just had this feeling of forboding. everyone's old. people are starting to die. and i'm not ready.
it's selfish, i know. my great aunt just passed away and i'm sitting here worrying about myself. *i'm* not ready. i can't believe i just wrote that! but at the same time i can. because these whole last few months have been about growing up for me. figuring shit out, and moving on, and planning ahead, all that. and i guess this is just another part of that.......
and i'm hoping against hope that the only reason this is hitting me so hard is that whole hormonal thing my body likes to do cause of the girly parts and all. because i'm tearing up randomly, and the only time that EVER happens for me (as, again, most of you know) is when i'm either menstrual, trying to cope with a breakup, or watching a movie/tv character die. well, or when i think about my absolutely beloved grandpa. so maybe it's not the menstrual thing.
mwah.
~a